When can I share the real reasons I divorced my ex?

[Supportedinstep]

Kids are 15/16 and I divorced their father in 2020 when the police removed him. He was financially and coercively controlling and I had been trying to amicably split since 2018 and we were all over long before that really.

He continues to attempt to control me in any way he can, spoiling plans, cancelling things, refusing to pay his share, and now the CMS have been involved, as have the police.

I met my lovely partner in 2021 and he has been nothing but kind to my children. We don’t live together, have no plans to, and he is never put in the position of a parent.

I paid my ex off as a part of our divorce which is why I still have a mortgage. He rarely sees the kids and doesn’t think he should have to use his annual leave or pay for childcare as that’s what I’m for, because I wanted the divorce.

I’ve kept the details of the divorce and his behaviour from the children. I kept the house, and am very happy. He saw the children over Christmas and one of them remarked he had been hiking for the afternoon with my partner. My ex went mad and said that if it wasn’t for him, my ex would have kept the house and that I was seeing him before we divorced and that my ex is “financially ruined” because of me. NONE of this is true.

This confuses the children and they say they don’t know who to believe. I feel like showing them a copy of the consent order which details the payments made and our situation and also the appalling behaviour which I put as grounds for divorce and which my ex husband signed. They’re currently not speaking to my partner as “he ruined Dad’s life.”

WWYD?

Yes, I would tell them in this situation.

You need to be clear though that you’ve no wish for them to pick sides and you want them to have a good relationship with both you and dad regardless of the circumstances of your separation. You’re sorry that dad feels this way and has involved them in this.

I would advise them that when dad kicks off to say that they love both of you and don’t want to hear negative things about the other parent, they don’t want to be involved and won’t be picking sides. He will either stop or they’ll get sick of hearing him slag you off and distance themselves from him.

This is the position I was in and I sort of drip fed information from the ages of 15, 16. My DC are in their 30s with their own DC now and have fairly good relationship with their dad but my son especially had a very rocky few years. I wish I'd been more open and honest earlier because he was quietly trying to poison them for years and rewrote our story in so many little and big ways. He's hitting retirement now and recently told them he couldn't retire as I'd stolen all his savings! We broke up 30 years ago he kept the house and all his pension I barely got child maintenance. My son flat out called him a liar but I hate that he still lies to them.

What a load of rubbish what are you a counsellor a job we parents do day I day out

I started from the moment a question was asked the earlier the better then when they hit their teens it's nearly all said and they have the information, I do not believe in waiting till their teenagers by then their told different stories from father that are not true

What a load of twaddle you speak keep it neutral you tell them the truth age appropriate but by bit so they know what's happening why dads not there why your struggling to pay bills how important it is to pay bills and keep a roof over your heads and as they get older if he hasn't been paying child maintenance let them know he wants the fun times without having to support them and that you the mother has all the stress 😬 which they can get as well because you Re a family going through it not the absent father

Yes I agree that's what I wish I'd done.

Listen just tell them the truth that's what they want and need then they can make their own minds up there not babies, the longer you waffle the more confused they are

If he was a shit that didn't support them don't sugar coat it let them know why should he get off Scott free ,NO they need the truth all children do this is how problems Start keeping secrets

To Alex stocks what a load of BS you write they are not five, if he was a absent wanker if a dad they need to know why should the mother carry the burden if his lies and stress

I would tell them most of it. I didnt do this with my absolute fuck knuckle of an ex and he then alienated one of my children against me, and told both of our children what a shocking, terrible person I am. This isnt true and if I could go back in time I would set the record straight before he had a chance to drip poison in the ears of my children.

He’s still controlling you and your children and it’s affecting your partner.

Ask them if they want to see the papers and warn that the truth maybe painful, otherwise this jerk may make your partner leave you because of the actions controlling ex. Which means that you have not really completely severed the ties

Wrong it's not the mothers difficult life it's hers and her children's age is living it, I've been there worn the t-shirt and I told my child from day one but by bit and she is the happiest smartest child and by her teens she knew everything no more questions needed net her father when he could be bothered and saw and heard him fir herself and made her own decision to cut Tues with him seeing what a nasty piece of work he was, the truth always wins, it only doesn't work if you're lying

Anything before your deathbed is clearly irresponsible, even if they are 65 their father has been remarried 6 times 😏

I’d say something along the lines of “would you like me to show you XYZ which proves that is not the case?”

They will either so no but realise dad’s lying or why would you offer to show them, or say yes and dad is proven a liar. They have the option not to know everything then, if they don’t want to

There's a middle ground between pretending the shit ex is a saint and starting everyday off with a litany of his shitness and twenty reasons he's a deadbeat dad. Just tell the truth and then answer questions .

Age appropriate truth. Always.

show them the receipts if you have to

he doesn’t get to blacken your name

I'd say just show them the evidence. I wouldn't offer them much in the way of opinions or explanations. Let them see what happened from the evidence and draw their own conclusions. Of course, acknowledging that this is a difficult situation for them to confront.

I think children need to know about he tried to control you because he is now starting on them. And the knowledge might help protect them.

I would say when they are pulled in the middle of parental conflict it’s more confusing and upsetting. You can tell them the truth and stay neutral. It lets your kids know that you are not the problem parent and they can talk to you about how they feel. If they think you’re just going to slag dad off as much as he’s doing it to you it doesn’t help them and causes even more harm no matter how old they are.

I actually think they are old enough to know more of the truth in an age appropriate way.

Your dad says X. What really happened was Y.

No one is slagging anyone off they are old enough to be told the truth and be shown by thinking hiding things is ok it's not in this scenario this is why mother and children are in this situation now, he should not have been allowed to be lying all this time from the start

And as for conflict this had only happened because they were not told the truth in the beginning, now they need to be told so they can make a judgement on how they go forward that is life we all have to make adjustments if we are told the truth then we can make informed choices in this situation

I spoke gently to them, separately and said they can see the paperwork when they want and it will show what actually happened. They both declined but I think they’ll revisit it at some point.

My ex husband is currently complaining that I told the kids that they were conceived via IVF because it “wasn’t my decision to make.” Cheeky fucker. It’s all about control.

Critical thinking skills need to be developed too. Knowing me and X as you do what do you think.

Here are the facts. Here are the court and police documents. Here is the CMS paperwork.

I will answer any questions. Facts are your friends.

I’ve always used this as an opportunity for the kids to develop their critical thinking skills. They stopped seeing their dad. He lost parental responsibility. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer bloke.

Problem is when they’ve been told one “truth” all their lives, by a parent they love and trust, with no reason to question that narrative, it can be very difficult to accept your whole life is a lie and that one person you thought told you the truth is actually a nasty manipulative liar.

dh’s kids won’t even see him or speak to him to hear his side. Won’t even consider that what they know is not what happened.

in some way I can understand. To accept the truth means also accepting their mum is not the person they thought she was, and their bond was built on lies and deceit. That has to be hard. Harder on dh though who likely won’t ever see his kids again.

going from my mum was always there for us, protected us from dad who split the family up, paid for everything when he wouldn’t, to mums had an affair, kicked dad out, stole all their savings and used him not paying to justify us not having things when he paid every time… that’s a switch. Then you add in evil step mum with no morals who’d sleep with a married man with kids, vs a “lovely stepdad” who’d been living in their house since before they could remember.

That was the scenario with my late husband. Two years before he died, he tried to tell his now middle-aged daughter the truth. Her response? "I don't want to hear that."

Mind you, part of the reason for that might have been that the daughter was the OW in the break-up of someone else's marriage. It was possibly a bit too close to home.