When can I share the real reasons I divorced my ex?

[Supportedinstep]

Kids are 15/16 and I divorced their father in 2020 when the police removed him. He was financially and coercively controlling and I had been trying to amicably split since 2018 and we were all over long before that really.

He continues to attempt to control me in any way he can, spoiling plans, cancelling things, refusing to pay his share, and now the CMS have been involved, as have the police.

I met my lovely partner in 2021 and he has been nothing but kind to my children. We don’t live together, have no plans to, and he is never put in the position of a parent.

I paid my ex off as a part of our divorce which is why I still have a mortgage. He rarely sees the kids and doesn’t think he should have to use his annual leave or pay for childcare as that’s what I’m for, because I wanted the divorce.

I’ve kept the details of the divorce and his behaviour from the children. I kept the house, and am very happy. He saw the children over Christmas and one of them remarked he had been hiking for the afternoon with my partner. My ex went mad and said that if it wasn’t for him, my ex would have kept the house and that I was seeing him before we divorced and that my ex is “financially ruined” because of me. NONE of this is true.

This confuses the children and they say they don’t know who to believe. I feel like showing them a copy of the consent order which details the payments made and our situation and also the appalling behaviour which I put as grounds for divorce and which my ex husband signed. They’re currently not speaking to my partner as “he ruined Dad’s life.”

WWYD?

id have a big talk to the kids that they have brains and need to use them, and that their dad doesn’t always tell the truth, tell them about the first time you met your partner, and how long after the break up it was, gently say and of course your dad was with other women before we divorced but he won’t tell you that, and ask them does it look to them like your partner stole the house from your dad? That he doesn’t even live in after having been with me for 5 years? Does any of that feel true to you? Then explain that when two people split, they agree on splitting the finances, and it’s important they understand that includes the pension, which is money adults pay from every pay cheque to invest for their retirement, and cna be a lot, and when people buy a house really the bank buys most of it, so you only own a little bit and you pay them every month. So pensions, which you own all of, are actually often more valuable than houses, because if i owed 300k on the house , which we did when we split up, and I sold it for 420, which is approx fair, I pay the bank the first 300, then I get 120k for it.

basicaly I’d say they clearly need a basic primer on finances, they are old enough.

Additionally, @Supportedinstep , you can give
them a full timeline of your new relationship. Again without being rude about their Dad, you can explain that you are aware he was with someone else. You can also point out that up until now you have never said anything about any of this so they could be kept out of the drama - however, their Dad has lied about you and you have every right to defend yourself and set the record straight. And if that damages the kids’ view of him, well, all on him.

Sounds like you were in the relationship with my ex’s twin brother. He is telling the kids that I robbed him etc. and at the same time not declaring his whole income (long story) so child maintenance is much lower as a result and not buying anything for the kids or have them for the weekend ever. I could report him but that means I would be even more bad mouthed by him and honestly can’t be arsed…The karma though is my best buddy and really makes his life colourful. Kids always stick with him as he plays victim and was always pathological liar so I don’t bother to straight the stories anymore even though I showed my 2 all in white and black (letters from child maintenance, his debts etc) they still believe his stories.My 2 will be finishing schools in few years so I am waiting patiently for the moment I can delete his no and block him . Don’t waste your energy on him once controlling b… will always be one. Kids are to naive and no life experience to understand the situation, I hope my will look at the matter differently once they have their own families…

I wouldn't show them the paperwork, but it seems to me that you've had years to figure out how exactly to explain.
What I can't figure out is why this is in AIBU?

I never understand why women lie to their children when their ex is a shit. Children aren't stupid , why gaslight a kid into thinking their father is a good man when he isn't and they'll resent the mother.

Oh thank goodness. It’s the thread police. I was hoping you’d turn up. I can’t understand a bloody word of this thread because it’s in the wrong place.

So agree with this.
I cannot understand it, especially as they are old enough.
I wouldn't dream of allowing his lies to stand.
For goodness sake the police were involved.
He's lying about you cheating.
Why on earth are you protecting him?

Show them (even though it's very dry and legalistic). They are old enough to know. Explain that they may find the facts uncomfortable or upsetting, but they are the facts and their father agreed that they were the facts.
Courts are very bad at allowing coercively controlling partners to see DC, when they are liable to continue coercive control through them.

I would be asking them how your current partner ruined their df’s life given you didn’t know each other at the time and your dp has no financial interest in anything to do with you or their father.

I would also point out the amount of money you gave to their father to buy out his share of the family home and if he wanted to, he too could have got a mortgage and bought a place for himself. He could have got on with his own life rather than still trying to control yours.

These children need to understand that their father has an unhealthy interest in controlling you and them and he is using them as a tool to create tension in the household by feeding them lies. Their father doesn’t have to do much but tell them a few fibs wind them up and stand back and watch the fireworks.

Time for your divorce documentation to be shown to them and their dfs signature pointed out to show them he was agreeing to the description of what he had done
Also point out that your current partners name doesn’t come up in any of the divorce documentation and if their father thinks that your partner was the reason you divorced then why didn’t he mention it at the time.

I remarried - to a man I met after I had separated from my ex - a year after the divorce. I introduced him to my DC (teenagers like yours) as soon as I knew the relationship was going to work and continue (he introduced me to his mother and to his family).
People who say you should keep relationships secret from kids are bonkers.

Tell your children the truth about their father. Don't hide it from them. You will not protect them, in my opinion you will put them at risk of being manipulated by him.

What, so tell them off?

Perhaps you're not making yourself clear.

Got any advice on the emotional angle or is it just the money tutorial you recommend?

I think you’re having a go at me and not sure why. I read the thread and the op says the documents don’t convey the behaviour, so I’m not commenting on showing the kids the docs. Slightly more than the first third of my post addresses an age appropriate level of being honest with the kids attitude, then I thought I’d comment on something not yet discussed. Does this not meet your high standards for appropriate mumsnet posting?

It’s obviously your call. I wouldn’t, they are aware that things weren’t good, you moved on, off loading will cause more damage longterm, wait till they are adults before telling them.

Tell them the truth they are old enough to hear facts. Abusive exes use the children post separation to maintain control. He needs to be held accountable for his behaviour to you. Children can be told its ok to love your Dad but not like his behaviour

Tell them and prove it. In detail. Doing otherwise is signing up for a lifetime of misery and misplaced blame

Mine learned for themselves as they grew up. He had them believe i robbed him. I'd paid him off generously to keep the family home.
They're working adults now and their respect for me is amazing while the disrespect they have for their df is sad to watch.
Hold it together @Supportedinstep.
🏆

My ex used to try to poison my DC against my new partner at the time. One day I went out and left court file on dining room table. Eldest DS 17 at the time read the file and gave me a big hug when I got back. I never had to say a word.

Given he started this by telling them incorrect info, I think it’s fair enough to tell them the truth. My kids were very young (2 and 5) when ex and I separated. We remained quite close as a family for many years, holidays together, saw ex most days. Kids never asked why we split. But then a situation happened which I could see going the same way and I was furious ex was moving some woman and a teen son from overseas to live in the house his teen DD of same age was living in half the week. So I told DS the truth. He was 19. It wasn’t pleasant and he cried a lot, and I made the call not to tell DD.

Part of me wishes I hadn’t said anything but I was hoping DS could help speak to his dad to tell him that DD will stop going to his house if he proceeded with this plan. He didn’t listen, DD lasted 6wks staying over and never went there again until this woman and her son moved out as the whole thing fell apart! In your situation, I’ll tell them as he has made you look like the bad guy and you’ve every right to defend yourself. Just keep it factual.

I agree with this approach. I was 16 when my parents divorced and was traumatised to the point of breakdown by being involved and shown documents etc.

I think yabu not to have told them the truth from the start. Lying isn’t helpful.

I think you need to wait until they have the emotional tools to deal with the truth and at 15/16 they do/

I have never bad mouthed my EX to my DC but from 15 - they asked questions and I started to be honest with them. When the EX told them he gave me the house - I showed them the bank transfers of more monies than his share of the house was worth - he gave me nothing - I was the one paying him out.

It was hard and none of the emotional abuse you suffered OP and they asked questions - some very probing and difficult to answer but they do know the truth.

Their half sibling is now 12 and they suffered quite abit of emotional abuse and estrangement from their DF when he was with the mother of their sibling. They are v vocal on the subject and know that I was blamed for a lot. I have repeatedly told them, they can not tell him their version of the truth until he is old enough to process it. He is not 12 and is asking questions - clever kid and he knows that things do not add up.

I have never lied, allowed them to develop their own relationships with their DF - who I get on well with now and their sibling - I just waited until they were old enough to understand more. Their understanding has evolved over the past few years - they love thier Dad but know the truth.

I'd tell them now.

Show them. Don’t bad mouth your ex. Try to stay calm and factual else they’ll switch off or get upset. Give them a verbal précis of the background to the divorce then show them the proof.