Would you find this invitation cheeky?

[christmasnamechangeforthelotofthem]

Just looking for opinions

i have a friend who has a birthday coming up in feb. to celebrate, she wants to hire a private dining room and have a dinner with friends.

after running through some options, she’s found the minimum spend for the place is £1500. She’s not sure who she wants to invite yet, as in hasn’t confirmed numbers. She’s sent a message to those already on the list (including me) saying:

“Hi guys

I’d love if you could join me in celebrating my birthday on 14th Feb 26. We will be going to X at 8:30pm for a fun night of food and drinks then on to X for cocktails.

The pricing is looking to be around £170 per person to meet minimum spend at restaurant. Obviously this is going to vary depending on numbers on the night.

I need to put a deposit down of £750 to secure the date so would appreciate if you could confirm and transfer your share which I will then deduct at the time.

cant wait!”

now a few things..

1. I’m happy to go but somethings not sitting right with me
2. Surely she should foot the deposit then be reimbursed by attendees?
3. All attending aren’t friends so I imagine the price per head will vary wildly based on what drinks are being ordered (we’re usually a split equally amongst the group type of friendship)
4. If people drop out (likely) the price is going to go up even further. I get that this is the norm however due to the already variable cost it could basically end up 3-4 people footing a £1500 tab?

do you think it’s a little cheeky? How would you approach this? I don’t want to decline the invite but I do want to make clear I don’t want to have to consider further costs. It’s also worth noting that this restaurant is about 2 hours away in another city so will be factoring in travel and hotel probably as well

I’ve never heard of such a thing. If you want a birthday party, you pay for it or you don’t have it. What a brass neck!

Yanbu - if you're close to bankruptcy surely she knows you attending at all would be irresponsible? Just say you can't afford it.

That’s a liberty

My DH hired a private dining room for my 40th for about a dozen people. He covered total cost.
It’s one thing suggesting to some pals that you all go out to a restaurant to celebrate your birthday with everyone paying for their meals/drinks (usually coming in at about £40-50/head), it’s another inviting them to a party which has a high defined spend. I mean where is this place that has such a high number? If she can’t afford to cover the minimum then she needs to find another venue.

This is wild - This is the sort of thing you either pay yourself as a treat to guests, or you give them a set cost (say £100 a head) and then pay the difference if you really want to be in such an expensive place, the uncertainty shouldn't be on others!

This comes up a LOT.
If you want a party and to hire out a hall or room then YOU FOOT THE ENTIRE BILL for the room, some food and drink and invite people to come and celebrate.
Otherwise it is tacky and entitled and no different than saying, I want you, dear friends, to throw me a party.
If you want a party with friends where everyone pays then you say, I want to go to X for my birthday. Who can join and I'll make a reservation.

The only response here is ‘gosh OP, thanks for the invite. Unfortunately I can’t afford anywhere near that amount of money I’m afraid. Let’s meet up separately somewhere I can afford. I hope you have a lovely time’

Tbh I think you need to have a chat with yourself as to why you are even considering this when your bankrupt. Are you a people pleaser who struggles to say no and need people to like you regardless of all the problems it's creating in your life. Maybe it's time to take a step back.

I've been there and had to put the brakes on it, I was stressing myself out paying for fancy holidays I couldn't afford. My friends as nice as they are didn't give a shit about my circumstances. Now I don't put myself under pressure to spend to keep up with others as I know if the situation was reversed I wouldn't expect them to do it for me as they shouldn't, it was all about my insecurities and the need to feel accepted and wanting people to like me.

Just tell her you love her and want her to have an amazing night but you're going bankrupt and can't afford £170 let alone the +++ that she will likely ask. As PPs have said suggest you go out for dinner another night togwther at somewhere more affordable. Just be really clear not being able to spend the money is not about not valuing her and says nothing about your relationship, but rather your financial position and the need to be sensible and frugal. If she comes back and moans at you or tries to bully you into it then she is not a real friend and you should not pay anything under any circumstances.

It’d be a no from me ! 🤣
I have very little disposable income so had to turn down a wedding invitation ( distant family) and a big birthday celebration of a friend ( not a close friend) because the cost of travel , hotel for 2 nights due to distance , gift , outfit and shoes for the wedding was too much ££
The big birthday celebration again I had to pay for travel , hotel for 2 nights ( again a fair distance away ) a gift for birthday girl and of course buy drinks it was all too much 🙁

Wow. That would be over £400 per person that is crazy. I wish I had the self esteem to think people would pay that to celebrate my birthday!

Abdolutely not! She’s being entitled and expecting her friends to foot the bill. If she wants a posh dining experience she needs to pay for it.

No actual way!! 😡

Years ago when dinosaurs roamed the Earth & I was getting regular DJ bookings my management team would get requests wanting one or more of us to play on a lineup with proceeds going to xyz charity, so of course fees all waived & rightly so but then it got a bit out of hand & every second Tom, Dick Promoter started pulling the same thing.. no accountability about monies raised & more significantly no official responses from the various charities of thanks &/or this is where the money raised is going blah

So this type of shit boils my blood, it's so exploitative, many people at these gigs had been directly affected & supported by whatever cause so were absolutely manipulated into throwing their money staright into the promoters pockets, it's sickening, same with charities/foundations deducting expenses

I was going to say the invite isn't cheeky, it's absolutely outrageous! But OP you say you've previously paid £1500 towards a table in a club for this girl though, so if it's the norm/there's history of you and her other friends paying such astronomical (to me!) amounts then I can kind of understand why she might not think its an unreasonable ask. £170 compared to £1500 is a lot less! Assuming she knows your financial situation has changed after your divorce, maybe she thinks this figure would actually be okay for you? Is she offering you her guest room/sofa for the night (assuming she lives in the same city as the restaurant you're going to)? That could make it more affordable for you.

I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and factor in that you clearly live in a different world to me, but honestly she sounds like such an entitled princess! If someone asked me to pay a minimum of £170 for a meal I would laugh in their face.

The fact she's struggling to find 10 friends to invite is so sad to me. Also asking people to go out for your birthday on Valentine's Day is a bit awks. It's unfortunate for her if her birthday falls on Valentine's Day, but she should appreciate that's a night that many couples like to spend together. If your birthday was 25th December you wouldn't expect people to come to your party that day would you!

She has a superiority complex!

need to reply . Hi would love to attend but honestly A little dear probably because it’s V day . Travelling up 2 hrs and have a hotel to book . Maybe a re thought on dates and venue . But definitely can make drinks after .

on a re thought it’s simple "Decline the invite" . No need to give detailed explanation. Just pre booked , it’s V day lots of events , dates etc

Remind her that you are about to go bankrupt which means that you can’t afford to make any financial contribution towards her party. You can afford to buy her one drink and that’s all.

It’s only on mumsnet that people charge their friends for attending birthday parties…

I would decline this without any hesitation. You would have to have money to waste and not care to be involved in this plan.

Your friend has champagne tastes and lemonade pockets. You don’t organise a meal like this and then expect everyone to pay, it’s a bit ‘all fur coat and no knickers’ as my Nan would have said - I’d tell her you simply cannot justify a spend like that. I love a nice restaurant and good food but minimum £170 a head is outrageous and no doubt loads of people will drop out so I would get yourself declared out and leave them to it.

Gross behaviour.

I liken it to people who solicit money from their friends so they can jump out of a plane/run a marathon/climb a mountain/other kinds of personal jollies/etc 'for charity' ... yet fund their trips off the top from the donated funds. And yes, a lot of people do that.

We had a similar situation for a birthday recently and as we invited everyone for dinner and attendees would be paying accommodation and travel costs, we paid for the meals and just asked everyone to cover their own drinks. It worked quite well.

@christmasnamechangeforthelotofthem She sounds more of a grifter than a diva. She's wanting everyone else to pay for her fantasy lifestyle. Maybe she has enough friends who are mugs, but you seem to suggest not and as few as four could end up having to pay for this silly expensive dinner. And you say not everyone (supposedly) attending is a friend?

I'd say no thanks.

You need to decline this invitation as soon as possible. It's much kinder than agreeing only to let her down nearer the time. It's very likely that others will decline as well and the costs will spiral well beyond £170 per person. She ought to rethink her plans before she pays the deposit.