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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner doesn’t want me to set my alarm earlier than his

231 replies

Daisychain67 · 02/01/2026 00:50

We have an 8yo, and as he sets off for work at around 7.30, I get her ready for school.
She and I both have ADHD and mild autism and it can be quite hectic in the morning as she struggles to get herself dressed and can’t stay still and we end up all over the house when I’m getting her dressed, brushing teeth and hair etc. this can take up to an hour, plus I have to get myself ready and often forget things in the panic.

My partner moved in around 4 years ago and since then he has told me he doesn’t want me setting my alarm before his alarm. He sets his for 7am.

As I have ADHD, I struggle to sleep and struggle to wake up, so have to set 2 alarms in the morning to make sure I’m awake. I have been setting my alarm for 7am and 7:15am, but I have explained to him that I am struggling to get the both of us ready on time for school and we are at least 10 mins late every single day.

I have asked him if I can set my alarm for 6.30am as I want to get up before I wake our daughter so that I can half an hour to get myself ready. He has said he doesn’t want me to do this as I will wake him up and he won’t be able to get back to sleep. He has previously moved out for a few weeks before because I set my alarm and woke him up.

Is he being unreasonable or would you be annoyed if you were in his position? I will feel bad for waking him up but do not want to keep being late for school and rushing around

OP posts:
soccermum10 · 02/01/2026 09:18

Tell him to bog off

BillieWiper · 02/01/2026 09:19

You don't ask permission in your own house to set your alarm for whenever you need?!

You just do it.

And yes it's fine for him to move out if it's a deal breaker for him.

In fact tell him you feel exactly the same way. You'll wake when you choose to and if he doesn't like it he can sleep elsewhere.

Owlbookend · 02/01/2026 09:21

You should set your alarm at a time that works for you and your daughter. Someone who is kind and supportive would understand this.

Explain you are going to set it earlier as DD has additional needs and you need longer to ensure you can get her ready for school in a calmer and more organised way. If he objects, ask yourself what that says about him and his attitude to you and DD. You are and adult caring for a child with additional needs. You dont need his permission to wake up a bit earlier. He should be supporting you in getting DD ready not fussing about a slightly earlier alarm. He can go to bed earlier if he is tired.

allthingsinmoderation · 02/01/2026 09:22

If he needs to leave for work at 7.30 you setting your alarm for 6.30 seems reasonable for both of you.
Working together in that hour could improve things for you all in the mornings.
i would have more empathy for him if the alarm time you were suggesting was unreasonable for him and suggest strategies .
Also the nature of long morning routine for you and your daughter might be improved if your partner works with you both and this would benefit you all,surely waking up an hour before leaving the house for work for him would be worth it to help the family?

CautiousLurker2 · 02/01/2026 09:22

I agree with many here - Am AuDHD, as are both my children but I’ve also been a childminder/brownie and cub-scout leader… 630/645 on a school day is absolutely normal wake up [first alarm] time for 90%+ of families I’ve known - NT or ND - on a school/work day.

Both my children and I have ‘second’ alarms but we do also get up earlier on days that are important. You HAVE to be at school on time - regular late arrivals can lead to sanctions and even the safeguarding team getting involved. It’s disruptive to teachers and classmates and will ultimately negatively impact your child’s education as they will be missing the lesson set up/instructions/context of the first lesson of every day. And if she is arriving late she will feel anxious, dysregulated etc - so with your DDs AuDHD she actually needs to be there earlier.

I’m afraid you DP/DH needs to a) wake up to the fact he is a parent and his child’s needs take precedent; b) that he is in a relationship and his needs have to be negotiated WITH his partner, not imposed upon them; and c) that his child [and partner] are ND and this will not change so he needs to grow up and step up.

If he is not willing to move on this, I do think you need to reevaluate your relationship. I know it may be that you wanted a ‘normal’ family set up for your child, but you don’t have that with him living with you. You have one family member riding roughshod over the needs of everyone else. And, as others have mentioned/asked, I am willing to bet that it’s not the only area where he is controlling (meal timings and content, TV usage, etc?)

As I say I am AuDHD as are the kids and my DH has struggled with periods of chaos and our learning how to function as a family. Excessive MH issues for my eldest (and me, if I am honest with anxiety/depression) mean that our family life has been hard, but DH has always understood that the children's needs, safety, futures are what we both prioritise together. There are other men out there who would support you better - but it is actually okay to go it alone and not rely on a partner at all. I hope you have friends/family IRL who can support you as it is clear your DP isn’t.

WalkDontWalk · 02/01/2026 09:26

Why doesn't he get up at 06:30 on alternate days and get her washed and dressed so you can give her breakfast when you get up at seven, while he gets ready for work?

BlackCat14 · 02/01/2026 09:32

He sounds awfully controlling. You shouldn’t have to “ask” him if you can set your alarm for a certain time. Why does he get the over riding say? You need to set your alarm for the time that works for you and your daughter.
Im a teacher and hate when my boyfriend’s alarm goes off at 7.30 on weekdays when I’m off, but I just get over it and deal with it. This sort of thing is all part of sharing a life with someone, compromises need to be made!

Elsvieta · 02/01/2026 09:33

Is this the usual dynamic - he announces what he "doesn't want" and you humbly beg permission to do anything else? Yeah, sod that.

Set it for the time you need to - put your phone on the other side of the room so you have to get up the first time. Why not put your outfit for the day in the living room or whatever, the night before? Then when the alarm goes off, you're up, into your dressing gown and out the door in seconds, without turning the light on, and DP can go back to sleep if he wants. Then shower and dress - having the outfit ready will make it easier to not get distracted.

And if that's not good enough for DP, get rid.

MaybeNotNo · 02/01/2026 09:36

I have a Samsung watch, and it has a vibration alarm. This means it doesnt wake DH when I need to get up

That said - he seems to be an arsehole

BlokeHereInPeace · 02/01/2026 09:38

Sorry but why put up with this shit. Tell him to get the fuck up and help get the kid to school or fuck off. Get up when you want.

Seriously, a new year resolution. Don't put up with shit.

KellySeveride · 02/01/2026 09:39

What the fuck would he do if you had to get up to be in work for 7am??

I have ADHD, I have upwards of 6 alarms some days, I don’t sleep well-because of the ADHD and therefore I find it very hard to wake up. My DH wouldn’t dream of dictating to me what time I should set them for.

TheCurious0range · 02/01/2026 09:40

DH used to do this set an alarm earlier than he needed to get up and snooze it 3 times. It woke me up not him and much earlier than I needed to be awake. It was infuriating. Interestingly he's been recently diagnosed with ADHD. The solution was a smart watch, he can set as many alarms as he wants and it just vibrates on his wrist, it's actually more successful at waking him and doesn't wake me. He goes to the gym at 5:30 and ds gets up between 7 and 7:30 I don't need to be up that early.

TheCurious0range · 02/01/2026 09:40

KellySeveride · 02/01/2026 09:39

What the fuck would he do if you had to get up to be in work for 7am??

I have ADHD, I have upwards of 6 alarms some days, I don’t sleep well-because of the ADHD and therefore I find it very hard to wake up. My DH wouldn’t dream of dictating to me what time I should set them for.

Do you not think it's unfair to your partner for them to be disturbed 6 times?

blackpooolrock · 02/01/2026 09:42

You are an adult - you don't need to ask permission from anyone else as to when you can set your alarm for.

Can he wear ear plugs? if not then he can always move out.

He sounds abusive.

Jugendstiel · 02/01/2026 09:43

Obviously you 100% should set your alarm for when you need to wake up not for when your partner says you can, which sounds, as PP have said, very controlling of him. But broken sleep day in day out can be very disturbing. Can you get an alarm that just vibrates under your pillow rather than a noisy one that disturbs him?

KellySeveride · 02/01/2026 09:47

TheCurious0range · 02/01/2026 09:40

Do you not think it's unfair to your partner for them to be disturbed 6 times?

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Not really no, for two reasons, I was like this 18 years ago when we met so it’s not like it’s a new thing, secondly he’s learnt to not be disturbed by it.

OneCoolSnail · 02/01/2026 09:48

I use silent alarm (vibrate) on my Fitbit when I need to be up early. Maybe that would be an option. However, surely he should be helping get his child ready in the morning?

Rileysp · 02/01/2026 09:48

Jugendstiel · 02/01/2026 09:43

Obviously you 100% should set your alarm for when you need to wake up not for when your partner says you can, which sounds, as PP have said, very controlling of him. But broken sleep day in day out can be very disturbing. Can you get an alarm that just vibrates under your pillow rather than a noisy one that disturbs him?

It’s not broken sleep though. It’s an alarm for 6.30am what is a more than normal time for an adult to be getting up for work

godmum56 · 02/01/2026 09:49

you have to ask him permission to do things? Fuck that!

Soontobe60 · 02/01/2026 09:50

Set your alarm for when it works best for you. When I had small DCs, I’d set mine for 6am so that I had half an hour to get ready before waking them up. Any noise I made when getting ready would help them to wake gently before they had to get up.
Handy tip - once you’re ready, which includes having everything ready that DD needs that day, have all your DDs clothes ready so when you go in and wake her you help her get dressed before she leaves her bedroom. Then toilet, wash, teeth before breakfast. No TV, no devices to distract. If she goes downstairs it’s a nightmare getting her ready!

EmeraldShamrock000 · 02/01/2026 09:52

Hmm I'm on the fence, if your snoozing the clock and falling back asleep.
I set mine for 6.30 without snoozing. It's a hard task that you can learn to do. Pre children i'd snooze the alarm 5 times so I know that it can be learned.

TheCurious0range · 02/01/2026 09:54

KellySeveride · 02/01/2026 09:47

Not really no, for two reasons, I was like this 18 years ago when we met so it’s not like it’s a new thing, secondly he’s learnt to not be disturbed by it.

Show quote history

There are ways you can wake yourself without disturbing him, my husband wears a smart watch for exactly this purpose. You can compromise it doesn't have to be all one way. Being repeatedly woken 2 hours before I needed to be up was terrible for my health and wellbeing and was actually impacting my heart condition. This seems a very selfish approach. I need to set multiple alarms don't care about anyone else it might affect they need to just deal with it.....

JH0404 · 02/01/2026 09:54

6.30 is a reasonable and normal time to wake up on a weekday. If he is so disturbed by this he moves out so be it, it’s weird behaviour. Choose to get your daughter to school on time over his comfort

Driftingawaynow · 02/01/2026 09:57

My ex used to have a pre-alarm set to gently wake him so he could hit snooze, it just used to wake me up early and I found it really callous of him as I would be permanently tired . Is this the actual issue- that you are waking him up but not getting up yourself? If so you are being unreasonable

Noshadelamp · 02/01/2026 09:59

Daisychain67 · 02/01/2026 01:57

Yes he’s her dad, we split up for a couple of years when she was first born but got back together around 4 years ago

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As her dad he should be getting up earlier anyway and involved in the morning routine.

You don't need to ask for permission to set your alarm, you're a grown adult with as much rights as he has.

Let him move out, and he'll need to get up earlier on the days he has your dd.