Partner doesn’t want me to set my alarm earlier than his

[Daisychain67]

We have an 8yo, and as he sets off for work at around 7.30, I get her ready for school.
She and I both have ADHD and mild autism and it can be quite hectic in the morning as she struggles to get herself dressed and can’t stay still and we end up all over the house when I’m getting her dressed, brushing teeth and hair etc. this can take up to an hour, plus I have to get myself ready and often forget things in the panic.

My partner moved in around 4 years ago and since then he has told me he doesn’t want me setting my alarm before his alarm. He sets his for 7am.

As I have ADHD, I struggle to sleep and struggle to wake up, so have to set 2 alarms in the morning to make sure I’m awake. I have been setting my alarm for 7am and 7:15am, but I have explained to him that I am struggling to get the both of us ready on time for school and we are at least 10 mins late every single day.

I have asked him if I can set my alarm for 6.30am as I want to get up before I wake our daughter so that I can half an hour to get myself ready. He has said he doesn’t want me to do this as I will wake him up and he won’t be able to get back to sleep. He has previously moved out for a few weeks before because I set my alarm and woke him up.

Is he being unreasonable or would you be annoyed if you were in his position? I will feel bad for waking him up but do not want to keep being late for school and rushing around

Blimey! Do people really live like this? You have to ask your "partner " permission to get up earlier?
This is no way to live, you are an autonomous, grown up woman , with rights and responsibilities. And he is a massive bell end.

He's a controlling arsehole.
You set your alarm for the times that suit you and your routines in the morning.

Being consistently late for school will raise issues regarding attendance & cause problems for your child, especially as they get older & when they move to secondary school.

Im a 2 alarm person - I'm not a morning person & that's what it takes for me.

I think if you need to be up at 6:30 then you should but I think your ADHD paralysis and disorganisation will fill the extra time anyway ( i have been there) and make no difference to getting to school on time.

Try setting your alarms for 7 and 7:05, which will give you an extra 10 mins. Then write out a morning plan with times to achieve certain tasks by and set alarms for them, so you dressed by x time, wake dd x time, start breakfast x time, finish breakfast x time etc and share the plan with dd, even set alarms for her for starting to get dressed , brush teeth time, shoes on time etc. Give her her own check list. And pack they bags the night before so you aren't forgetting things.

I think the plan and sorting the routine will be more beneficial than the extra time but thats just my opinion from being in the same position in the past.

I had some sympathy with him until this!

He needs to be up, waking you up if necessary and helping get his own daughter ready for school.

I thought he should be getting up when you do to show you support before I knew she was his daughter. Now, I wonder what use he is to you as a partner. I hope he earns plenty and spends it on you both!

Tell him you need to set your alarm for 6.30 and if that’s too much of an issue for him then he needs to move out again, permanently. Yanbu, don’t allow yourself to be controlled.

There are lots of reasons why a partner might be disturbed during the night. Medical issues, pregnancy (so needing to wee more), children waking up and a difference in working etc shifts. Most people just get on with it, your partner is completely unreasonable to decide that he shouldn't be put out at all, although sadly, it doesn't seem uncommon for men to think that the household should run around their wants. As said, perhaps try both of you getting up 15 minutes earlier. That isn't a great hardship. I cope by organising everything the night before. Making lists and setting 10 minute alarms, my alarms start to count down from 7.45. I don't worry about anything if I have lists. My lists can start as soon as I know something is happening, like a day out, or night away. It doesn't matter if it is months away. Decluttering and a place for everything and I've trained myself to put everything in its place. Also to not move around the house, so much. My DD, whose ADHD is extreme, operates by the same rules. He needs to be on-board with what's needed.

He can wear ear plugs or suck it up. 6:30 is a perfectly normal time to set an alwrm on a school and work day.
It won’t do him any harm waking up a bit earlier than he needs (he might get used to it and start sleeping through it).
But it is creating problems for you getting up later.

Is he controlling in day to day life?

The split and reconciliation was a massive drip feed.

id kick him out again. You sound subordinate to him. It shouldn’t be like that

Ask him How does he expect you & child to be ready ?
How about he get Dd ready while you get ready? That will take the smile off his face.
Actually, No Tell him to Fuck off.

🚩🚩 this isn’t normal behaviour of your partner OP. Getting up at 7 isn’t particularly early, most families are up earlier.

He shouldn’t be dictating what happens, you’re a family and everyone’s needs should be considered.

It sounds like he’s not a kind person. I’d suggest living separately and quietly reevaluate what you want from a partner and family life. Someone who puts themselves about you and your child, probably not.

Get a personal alarm eg one that vibrates on your wrist so that he is not listening to a beeping alarm I think this is fair.

My husband's alarm goes off at 4am and I can't sleep after that so I understand how your partner feels. However, your priority should be you and your daughter and doing what's best for you both. His needs in this scenario do not trump yours.

Why are you even asking him??! You do whatever needs to be done to get yourselves ready in time. Fuck him.

You are being responsible. You know what a struggle it is to get ready and get somewhere on time so you've got plans to get it done. He's got the arseache over half an hour!

It is really important that your DC gets to school on time.

If he doesn't like it he can move out.

If he doesn’t like it tough! Get rid of he’s going to be so controlling over something as trivial as your alarm time - if you need to get up earlier you do it! If you want to get up earlier you do it. Don’t let him dictate

Well, he can move right back on out then, can’t he?

I set my alarm for 6am on New Year’s Day and got up to exercise. No complaints from Dh. I operate on a basis that no one has to sleep in the same bed with me if my sleeping or waking bothers them.

He can sleep somewhere else if he doesn’t like it - spare room or even his own place - and stop being a twat.

He can set his alarm earlier then yours won’t go off before his

Hang on. He gets up at 7 so he can leave by 7.30… so how does he have time to help his daughter in the morning?
would he not be better getting up with you at 6.30 and actually helping you to get into a routine?
He needs to think about what works for the family not just him.

He’s waving a red flag right in your face. How controlling!

Why, why, why do women put up with this shit......????

He left you soon after you had a child, he left you again because of an alarm.

FFS....get rid

I’m shocked at some of the posts on here sometimes! You are an adult you are doing what is best for you and your child so you can decide what time you set your alarm for in the morning. those 10 minutes late every day to school has an impact on your child and will have an impact on you as all those 10 minutes add up and the attendance officer at school will be monitoring that.
I would be telling him to take his alarm with him when he leaves as why is he allowed to control your life!

But it’s nothing like this. The alarm is at 6.30. The guy wakes up at 7 anyway. He’s out of the house for 7.30

if if were getting up for a run at 4am say, he’d have a point

That makes his behaviour even worse! He should be supporting his daughter to get to school on time and if he does nothing else that should mean getting up early enough for her not to have to rush. He could actually get her breakfast ready while you help her.
Don't ever ask his permission to do anything. Tell him what you are going to do. Don't take any nonsense from him.

I suspect the issue is the two alarms.

Dh is dreadful at getting up to his alarm. Along the lines of:
Alarm 1 goes off. Wakes me. He lies there with it going off until I poke him and tell him to switch it off. He picks up phone, drops it, scrabbles to find his reading glasses. Gives up, mutters why isn't his alarm switching off as he swipes upwards. Eventually I leave over, swipe sideways and the alarm stops
He starts snoring. I'm wide awake. I'm just drifting off when alarm 2 goes off. Repeat method for alarm 1.
Repeat with alarm 3.
About 10 minutes after alarm 3 I poke him and remind him to get up. He grunts. Then switches the light on. Now I am totally and utterly awake.

For me. I have my alarm off normally before it's started the music and is still buzzing. I grab my clothes, got ready the night before, and go and dress in the (warmer) bathroom. He doesn't even disturb slightly normally.

I leave before him in the morning, which is a good thing.

I remember pointing out that I could get three under 8s up and out in the morning without disturbing him, but him going out in the morning on his own woke everyone else up too!

So if you're like dh, I have every sympathy for your partner.
If you're like me, then no sympathy at all. 🤣

I can’t see why his schedule takes priority over yours. And you don’t need to ask him re when to put your alarm. You don’t have to bend around him. I don’t know how the rest of your relationship is, but maybe reflect on if you are often trying to accommodate his needs. If so, that’s not how things should work as there needs to be accommodation on both sides. Good luck x