Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner doesn’t want me to set my alarm earlier than his

231 replies

Daisychain67 · 02/01/2026 00:50

We have an 8yo, and as he sets off for work at around 7.30, I get her ready for school.
She and I both have ADHD and mild autism and it can be quite hectic in the morning as she struggles to get herself dressed and can’t stay still and we end up all over the house when I’m getting her dressed, brushing teeth and hair etc. this can take up to an hour, plus I have to get myself ready and often forget things in the panic.

My partner moved in around 4 years ago and since then he has told me he doesn’t want me setting my alarm before his alarm. He sets his for 7am.

As I have ADHD, I struggle to sleep and struggle to wake up, so have to set 2 alarms in the morning to make sure I’m awake. I have been setting my alarm for 7am and 7:15am, but I have explained to him that I am struggling to get the both of us ready on time for school and we are at least 10 mins late every single day.

I have asked him if I can set my alarm for 6.30am as I want to get up before I wake our daughter so that I can half an hour to get myself ready. He has said he doesn’t want me to do this as I will wake him up and he won’t be able to get back to sleep. He has previously moved out for a few weeks before because I set my alarm and woke him up.

Is he being unreasonable or would you be annoyed if you were in his position? I will feel bad for waking him up but do not want to keep being late for school and rushing around

OP posts:
DaughterOfPearl · 02/01/2026 05:51

Why have you asked him if it is okay to set an alarm? 7am isn't even early to be getting up for most working adults.
What would happen if you had a job that required you to be up an hour or so before him?
I personally can't understand how he is getting up half an hour before he needs to leave for work! Doesn't he sit with a coffee or some breakfast to wake up and give his brain chance to start functioning. Either way it smacks of a man with no responsibilities if he can be up and out of the door 30 minutes after crawling out of his pit.

Natsku · 02/01/2026 05:56

You need to set your alarm for the right time for you and he does not get to control that, but I would suggest getting a watch with a vibrating alarm so it doesn't wake him up. Its also a much nicer alarm to wake too than a noisy one blaring. I have to get up at half 4 for work so that's what I use, to least disturb my partner.

PurpleThistle7 · 02/01/2026 06:12

This post is really sad. You need to do what works for your child - that’s the priority. He can and should use the extra time to help her and you.

Having an hour to get ready is totally normal for what it’s worth.

LilyBunch25 · 02/01/2026 06:14

My husband wouldn't dream of - and wouldn't get away anyway with - telling me what time to set my alarm to do what I need to get done! Control red flag.

TeenToTwenties · 02/01/2026 06:17

So really as her Dad, he should get up a bit earlier and start the routine off while you get yourself ready, then you take over.

Whyherewego · 02/01/2026 06:18

A few options ... one is that you agree to not set the alarm earlier but then he agrees to get DD ready. If he's not feeling the pain of the problem then he's not feeling the need to wake earlier.
The other is that you get a watch alarm. My alarm is just my watch buzzing and I find it more effective than a traditional alarm. But it also wouldn't wake DP if he needed to sleep longer.

This is for the scenario that you want to accommodate his need for sleep. I sleep badly and I would be super annoyed if DP set 2 alarms to wake up early as that would definitely wake me too. But I also agree with PP that he's being unreasonable in how he's responded to you. Especially as it's his DD too

Cando6 · 02/01/2026 06:18

Are you going to work after the drop off? 06:30 sounds about right for your timings. And yes, why isn’t he helping with the morning routine?

crumpet · 02/01/2026 06:19

I am willing to bet this won’t the only area in your lives where he feels he is the one to be in charge.

you all have to do what works best for the family overall, and helping your dc not to be late is one of those times when he should suck it up if an earlier alarm helps for a smoother morning for her.

thetallfairy · 02/01/2026 06:20

My bastard ex used to flip out

I had to get up some mornings for 6am

He would lose his mind

He went on to do some very bad things

This is a HUGE RED FLAG

Sorry op xx

HelmholtzWatson · 02/01/2026 06:21

Buy a smartwatch and set the alarm to buzz on that. Drama solved.

TennisLady · 02/01/2026 06:25

I can’t quite believe he moved out previously because of an alarm 30mins before his! Set your alarm, get your child to school on time, he can move out again and pay maintenance if he doesn’t like it.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 02/01/2026 06:27

Hes being ridiculous, set your alarm for when you need it. If hes not doing anything to help in the morning then there is no harm in him moving out.

Logisticalqueen · 02/01/2026 06:27

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/01/2026 00:52

I think it sounds like this man is far too controlling to be living with you. If you need to get up at 6.30, that’s when you need to get up.

I would let him move out.

Same! Getting your child to school on time must be your priority. Do what you need to do to achieve this.

Suggest DP goes to bed half hour earlier - that’s all you can do to help your partner. He can adjust to the new timings or move out.

He’s currently being very selfish and clearly doesn’t see your child as his priority or responsibility and is putting himself first. Someone needs to put your child’s needs above his, he certainly won’t, but you can.

Minjou · 02/01/2026 06:28

HelmholtzWatson · 02/01/2026 06:21

Buy a smartwatch and set the alarm to buzz on that. Drama solved.

Or he could get his lazy ass out of bed and get his child ready for school instead of leaving it all to OP and whining about being woken up.
Drama solved

ChikinLikin · 02/01/2026 06:30

Why not change things up? You set off for work at 7.30. He gets your daughter ready for school then goes to work. See how he likes them apples.

Aplstrudl · 02/01/2026 06:33

OMG! WTF! Seriously, what sort of relationship is it that you have to ASK to at an alarm clock! Just set it early and get your kid to school in time. Bering late every day is very disruptive and rude. Not fair on your kid. I’d get rid of him as I’m sure there are many other examples of his shining selfishness.

TalkToTheHand123 · 02/01/2026 06:35

Minjou · 02/01/2026 06:28

Or he could get his lazy ass out of bed and get his child ready for school instead of leaving it all to OP and whining about being woken up.
Drama solved

Show quote history

OP has clearly stated this was not an option.

LilyBunch25 · 02/01/2026 06:36

HelmholtzWatson · 02/01/2026 06:21

Buy a smartwatch and set the alarm to buzz on that. Drama solved.

While that's a solution I think its more concerning how the partner is being so adamant about this and has moved out before because of it. Going forward I'd be more than a bit concerned.

Purplewarrior · 02/01/2026 06:38

He’s not your boss.

He can fit in or fuck off.

Nopersbro · 02/01/2026 06:39

Why is his need to sleep until 7 more important than your need to get up at 6:30? Couples deal with this all the time - what if you had a job that required you to leave the house at 7? Or at 6? If he genuinely can't work around the situation with ear plugs, etc. then separate rooms would be a more sensible solution that his moving out. As a side note, you shouldn't be asking for permission to set your alarm when you need to and he shouldn't be telling you you can't; your relationship should be based on mutual respect, compromise, and the understanding that BOTH of your needs are important.

Sharpzebra · 02/01/2026 06:41

Time to bin him off

HappyNewBeer · 02/01/2026 06:43

If he goes to bed half an hour earlier, he can get up at 6.30 and still have the same amount of sleep.

This seems to me a reasonable compromise.

If he won’t agree to it, that tells you everything you need to know.

HappyNewBeer · 02/01/2026 06:43

If he goes to bed half an hour earlier, he can get up at 6.30 and still have the same amount of sleep.

This seems to me a reasonable compromise.

If he won’t agree to it, that tells you everything you need to know.

Ooodelally · 02/01/2026 06:44

“He has told me…” “I have asked him…” WTF is this? A ten minute alarm? He can get to fuck, please stop being such a doormat to this tosser! That’s an abusive level of control and I bet it’s just one example of many…

chattyness · 02/01/2026 06:46

You don't have to ask , just do it! Why the heck doesn't he get up and help you anyway? It's his daughter too, he should be helping you with her care and wellbeing. He can't give you half an hour in the morning? He can always go to sleep half an hour earlier at night to make it up.

Swipe left for the next trending thread