Partner doesn’t want me to set my alarm earlier than his

[Daisychain67]

We have an 8yo, and as he sets off for work at around 7.30, I get her ready for school.
She and I both have ADHD and mild autism and it can be quite hectic in the morning as she struggles to get herself dressed and can’t stay still and we end up all over the house when I’m getting her dressed, brushing teeth and hair etc. this can take up to an hour, plus I have to get myself ready and often forget things in the panic.

My partner moved in around 4 years ago and since then he has told me he doesn’t want me setting my alarm before his alarm. He sets his for 7am.

As I have ADHD, I struggle to sleep and struggle to wake up, so have to set 2 alarms in the morning to make sure I’m awake. I have been setting my alarm for 7am and 7:15am, but I have explained to him that I am struggling to get the both of us ready on time for school and we are at least 10 mins late every single day.

I have asked him if I can set my alarm for 6.30am as I want to get up before I wake our daughter so that I can half an hour to get myself ready. He has said he doesn’t want me to do this as I will wake him up and he won’t be able to get back to sleep. He has previously moved out for a few weeks before because I set my alarm and woke him up.

Is he being unreasonable or would you be annoyed if you were in his position? I will feel bad for waking him up but do not want to keep being late for school and rushing around

FFS get this lazy fucker out of your house! What a thing to model to your dc.

What have I just read? He doesn’t get to decide when you set your alarm and being a big baby and moving out because you set the alarm for 30 minutes earlier shows he has no consideration foryou

let him go, do what’s right for you

This. Why does he think he gets to control what time you set your alarm? It;s ridiculous.

Quite apart from the ‘controlling’ aspect (which rings many alarm bells in itself) he is telling you that his needs (or more accurately, ‘wants’ in this case) are more important than that of your daughters.
That sounds like the biggest red flag and I would think very carefully about your future with him.
Sorry that you are going through this OP.

Not BU however this kind of chaos sounds horrendous in the morning. ADHD or not if you can’t get you and one child ready in the morning without it turning into chaos and panic how do you function in the rest of your life?

You really are NOT being unreasonable and he sounds like an absolute arse. But I would also smother you with a pillow if you set multiple alarms and/or hit snooze when I was sleeping. My husband used to do this. He liked a 4 alarm wake up starting from 6am. Absolutely not. One alarm, at the time you need - shift your ass!

But it is extremely unreasonable of your partner to expect you to either rush or worse, be late.

I'm in two minds here.

Of course you should be able to set your alarm as you need.

At the same time, it's polite if the one who has their alarm first tries to minimise the disturbance to the second partner - and the alarm going of several times, being snoozed, taking ages to be quited and so on would be extremely annoying.

(For the record, I'm guilty of that snoozing, but I'm getting up later than my partner. If I have to get up first, I'm trying to do much better - kill first alarm quickly, really get up and deactivate the second one when it's not needed)

Is there some technical solution possible? Maybe your first alarm being watches vibration, so if it manages to wake you up, you can get up quietly and deactivate the loud one?

It is a bit unreasonable of him, but if it were my DH, who is wonderful in every possible way except first thing in the morning, I would try other ways so as not to disturb him. I would definitely not set an alarm at 6:30 and another at 6:45am - that’s just unkind!
If you want to get up at 6:30am I think you should slip out of bed as quickly and quietly as you can.

I've just seen that he is the father, I had assumed he wasn't.

He needs to step up and do some parenting. Why should just you be getting your joint child washed, dressed, ready for school?

It's his job too.

I think on Monday he should do the morning routine while you have a lie in.

Hi OP 👋
Just read your two posts 💕

Could you compromise and set it up for 0645am? Or do you need more time? I personally need more time, so I agree with most posters who say you should set it for when you need to. 💯
However if you're like me, I tend to hit the snooze button, which annoys my hubby no end. 😬

I personally found, if I get all the things I need for me and my DS ready the night before, then I'm not scrambling around in the morning. It is a bit faff, but honestly it helps me to calm down a bit, so I'm not awake half the night (I overthink and worry I will over sleep which ironically keeps me awake, possibly undiagnosed ADHD too) 🤦🏻‍♀️

I usually get his clothes (uniform) underwear, socks, and shoes in a small pile, along with his hair gel tub, hairbrush and even toothpaste and toothbrush in a plastic cup! 😆 Then I do the same for myself, that way, I don't waste time in the morning looking for stuff, as it just stresses me out. 😇

My fella usually feeds our DS breakfast before he leaves for work. We tag team in the morning, so it's not all on me 🙃

Set the alarm for the time you need it.
Get support Off him to help of a morning.
If he doesn't like it, he can always leave.
@Daisychain67

This makes this even worse. He should also be helping get her out of the house. The fact he only gets up at 7 to leave at 7. 30 suggests he literally only thinks of himself, rolls out of bed showers and cleans his teeth and dresses and goes, why is he not pitching in more?

I think separate bedrooms may be a good option

Dunno why it posted twice 🤔 sorry!

I can't bear alarms, no matter how gentle the sound. They wake me with a suddeness that sets off a migraine.

One of DC loves an alarm. And without it sleep carries on till kingdom come. I couldn't refuse DC having an alarm. We reached a compromise that works for us.

But your DP sounds quite controlling and kinda mean spirited. Have you both tried reaching a compromise?

Wow, only just saw this. He’s her dad? Maybe he should get up at 6.30 and help get her ready instead of leaving it all to you.

Get rid of this loser.

WOW! This is a new form of controlling I've not seen and I thought I'd seen them all on here. If you need to get up at 6:30 to get your day to run right then of course you set your alarm for then. Maybe get a vibrating one that buzzes under your pillow to limit disturbance to him?

You don't ask him when you can set your alarm you just set it for whenever you like and if you feel you need to wake earlier so you're not late then do it. He is not the boss of you. What's stopping him getting up and you both supporting your daughter. If he threatens to leave let him, I'd happily open the door for him, he's making your life more difficult than it needs to be,

Separate houses would be even better!

I would have no problem with my husband setting an early alarm BUT if he set more than one, pressed snooze or let it go on too long I would disembowel him.

Set your alarm for 6:30am. Let him do as he will.

But would you be expecting to sleep for an extra half hour while he gets your children ready for school on his own though? Because that’s what’s happening here, so it’s a bit different…

I think it would be a good idea for the child’s FATHER to get out of bed and HELP get HIS child ready for school, rather than moaning that his partner is waking him up when she does it on her own every single day.

YABU - You need to set it earlier, so set it. He is a grown man; he will need to deal with it. It's part of being a parent and an adult.

Please, for your own sake, stop asking his permission. You are also an adult and a parent, you do want you need to do to get your child ready for school on time.

I missed that he's her actual father. I can't say I have a good impression of him. The needs of the OP and the child don't seem to feature anywhere here. It seems obvious that either he shuts the fuck up, or he gets up at the same time and participates in the morning routine.

I hate alarms but they're a necessary evil. Ultimately the whole point is to wake you up. Vibrating alarms are too gentle for me I think as I always go straight back to sleep when it's vibration only.

For the sake of half an hour I don't think the OP needs to be changing anything she is doing to accommodate him. He's clearly getting up and dealing with himself only. She's dealing with herself and a child who needs support. One of them needs to take priority and it's not the greeting whingebag partner.