Partner doesn’t want me to set my alarm earlier than his

[Daisychain67]

We have an 8yo, and as he sets off for work at around 7.30, I get her ready for school.
She and I both have ADHD and mild autism and it can be quite hectic in the morning as she struggles to get herself dressed and can’t stay still and we end up all over the house when I’m getting her dressed, brushing teeth and hair etc. this can take up to an hour, plus I have to get myself ready and often forget things in the panic.

My partner moved in around 4 years ago and since then he has told me he doesn’t want me setting my alarm before his alarm. He sets his for 7am.

As I have ADHD, I struggle to sleep and struggle to wake up, so have to set 2 alarms in the morning to make sure I’m awake. I have been setting my alarm for 7am and 7:15am, but I have explained to him that I am struggling to get the both of us ready on time for school and we are at least 10 mins late every single day.

I have asked him if I can set my alarm for 6.30am as I want to get up before I wake our daughter so that I can half an hour to get myself ready. He has said he doesn’t want me to do this as I will wake him up and he won’t be able to get back to sleep. He has previously moved out for a few weeks before because I set my alarm and woke him up.

Is he being unreasonable or would you be annoyed if you were in his position? I will feel bad for waking him up but do not want to keep being late for school and rushing around

So what does this prince among men think the solution to getting his daughter to school on time is? Or is it fine for her to be persistently late because he will neither help himself or graciously allow you to set an earlier alarm to do it all yourself, on pain of his moving out?

Let me guess, you also work and do 90% of everything around the house?

Im guessing he also wants morning sex when he wakes up???

Did you read the bit where I said he’s not disturbed by it? I do wear a smart watch, but it doesn’t help.

If it bothered him I am sure he would have mentioned it by now so we could work out how to fix it.

And being woken repeatedly for two hours may well have been terrible for you but my alarms are spaced over 40 minutes not two hours and my health and wellbeing is probably permanently affected by my terrible quality sleep-but ho hum these are the cards life dealt me!

You said he had to learn not to be disturbed by it. I find that to be a very selfish perspective and I'm very glad my husband isn't similar

If commenting only to the alarm situation. You can get a smart watch that vibrates or you can sleep in separate rooms or have knly one alarm and get up when it rings leaving him in the bed.

However, this is not about the alarm. He can't dictate what time you wake up. You don't need to ask permission when to set your alarm. He sounds controlling and not really understanding or contributing to family life.

He's her dad? And still prioritising himself above the needs of his daughter and her mother who is working her arse off to get her ready and out the door on time to school?

Tell him to get to fuck and get him out of your home.

OP - you don't have to ask his permission. If he doesn't like it he can move out.

I don’t think anyone should tell you when to get up. He sounds controlling and why would someone who loves you want your life to be harder and for your child to be late for school.
I am autistic as is dd my first alarm is 625 for 830 leaving. Dh goes to the gym before work and gets up at 530

He is being unreasonable. My husband sets his alarm for 3.30am to get himself ready for work and leave by 4.30am.. sometimes I wake him up, this is not suppose to be an issue, all normal couples do this. this is life when 2 people run off different hrs of the day. My alarm doesnt go off until 6.30am. He is finding ways to control you and has become way to comfortable in your home.

When you live with someone and share a bed with someone they cannot tell you not to set your alarm for when you need it. The OP has an adjustment to help her which is two alarms. It doesn't really matter whether he 'likes' it or not - that's what the OP needs. If he can't accept it, he's free to sleep elsewhere or leave. The number one priority is the the OP getting up to get her kid to school.

Why does he get to decide when you wake up? If you didn’t need to wake up til 8 would he set his alarm later and be late for work? Of course he wouldn’t. He can go to bed half hour earlier if he needs that exact amount of sleep.

Wow...it should have stayed that way.

He does not get to dictate this. Would he expect to have his alarm at a time to suit him if it were the other way around?

I would also look at a Fitbit or similar with a vibrating alarm, I find it very effective.

He can set his alarm whenever he wants….as long as it’s not in your bedroom!! He has no right to tell you when you can or cannot set your alarm.
I find it’s easier to get things done at a more leisurely pace by setting the alarm earlier and not having a mad last minute rush and that is without having a child to get ready, much less with ND.

Why are you asking if you can set an alarm for a certain time? You need to be up so you set the alarm

That’s ok. He can see his alarm any time he wants but with that, as he doesn’t leave you enough time to get dd ready as well as yourself. Just get yourself ready and then leave before him so he has to make sure she is ready and get her to school on time.

Woah, WHAT????!!!! I read it at first as he’s just a boyfriend, in which case I was going to say he can fuck right off and then fuck off even further, telling you what time you’re allowed to get up in your own house. But he’s your daughter’s FATHER???!!! So why the bloody HELL is he not ALSO getting up and HELPING get her ready for school??! Or taking it in turns, one day he does it one day you do it?! It would take HALF the time if he was making breakfast while you were making sure she gets dressed, he was supervising hair and teeth brushing while you were getting yourself dressed etc.

By the way, one hour is a completely normal amount of time for one adult and one child to get up and ready in the morning. Half an hour isn’t really feasible without a lot of stress and rushing, and that isn’t fair on your child.

So YOU are the one who should be making demands on HIM: start acting like an actual bloody father and start HELPING in the mornings, or get the hell out of your house, but he does NOT get to control you like that.

Also, it’s perfectly normal for one partner to have to get up before the other, if they start earlier. My DH has to get up an hour earlier than me. It’s a mild annoyance if I do wake up, but it is what it is, you have to accept things like this when you live with someone else. If your “partner” (he’s not really much of one, is he?) doesn’t like it, he can go to bed half an hour earlier. I am furious on your behalf at the entitlement and laziness of this “man”.

What an absolute fanny he is.

Me and my husband made a compromise regarding my alarm as he goes to bed much later than me and I wake up 2-3 hours before him. I got an Apple Watch an use the alarm on that as it vibrates and doesn’t make a sound. I actually find it easier to wake up this way.
but I agree with PP about having no to ASK to set your alarm earlier is a red flag.

He’s happy for his partner to be frantically rushing around every morning and for his DD to be late for school every day, just because he doesn’t want to wake up 30 minutes earlier? What an absolutely shit father and shit partner he is. It’s 30 minutes before he gets up anyway; it’s not like you’re flicking the lights on at 4am for an early morning yoga session.

If he needs a certain amount of sleep each night, then he needs to either go to bed half an hour earlier or find somewhere else to sleep. The suggestion that everyone else in the household should be inconvenienced so sleepychops can have an extra 30 minutes is fucking insane. Insane. As is his decision to abandon his family until you all bow down to his whim. Who the fuck does he think he is? Mariah Carey?

I have a zero tolerance policy for this sort of crap. Your response surely has to be ‘I’m setting my alarm for 6:30am. I don’t give a shit whether you like it or not. Get up and help me get our DD ready for school by making breakfast, and do it with good grace, or fuck off to live somewhere else’.

It worries me that you’re asking if we would be annoyed if we were in his shoes and saying that you’ll feel bad for waking him. I suspect this is not the only area where his needs take precedence over yours and your DD’s needs. Fuck how he feels. Your entire household is currently working around how he feels. What you should be concerned about is how you feel. And how your DD feels when she’s worrying about her teacher being cross with her for being late again. And the thing to be feeling is outrage that this hormonal teenager in a grown man’s body is being such an entitled fucker.

No way would I let him tell me what time I can and can’t do things , he’d be well
gone by now, you put your foot down and tell him that’s what your doing and if he doesn’t like it to leave, it will only get worse if you allow him to dictate to you what you can and can’t do, I’d rather be single and happy than live like that.

Excuse me? You asked him if you were allowed???? Why on earth would you put him in the position where he can grant you permission for anything, let alone a basic reasonable function to exist?

You can say I'm going to be setting my alarm for this time going forward, you can even explain to him your reasonings if you like, then you can discuss how that might affect him and make decisions based on that. He can sleep on the sofa if it's going to bother him or a spare room, or he can go back to having his own place. What he doesn't get to do it make yours and your child's life harder and more stressful so that he gets 15 minutes more peace. Nope. And stop giving him the opportunity to feel like he has the power to make these decisions about your life. Especially as it's clear he has his own interests at heart before yours or your child;s.

He’s bitching about 30 minutes?? If you were setting an alarm for 5am he might have some reason to be annoyed, but 6.30 when his is set for 7 is just petty, selfish and controlling.

He either gets over it or moves out.

And then he left again when you needed to set your alarm at a time to get HIS daughter ready for school?
He sounds pretty shitty in general OP, do you need him to live with you at all?

He's being unreasonable, BUT there are other ways of waking, e.g. a wristwatch that vibrates with an alarm.