Partner doesn’t want me to set my alarm earlier than his

[Daisychain67]

We have an 8yo, and as he sets off for work at around 7.30, I get her ready for school.
She and I both have ADHD and mild autism and it can be quite hectic in the morning as she struggles to get herself dressed and can’t stay still and we end up all over the house when I’m getting her dressed, brushing teeth and hair etc. this can take up to an hour, plus I have to get myself ready and often forget things in the panic.

My partner moved in around 4 years ago and since then he has told me he doesn’t want me setting my alarm before his alarm. He sets his for 7am.

As I have ADHD, I struggle to sleep and struggle to wake up, so have to set 2 alarms in the morning to make sure I’m awake. I have been setting my alarm for 7am and 7:15am, but I have explained to him that I am struggling to get the both of us ready on time for school and we are at least 10 mins late every single day.

I have asked him if I can set my alarm for 6.30am as I want to get up before I wake our daughter so that I can half an hour to get myself ready. He has said he doesn’t want me to do this as I will wake him up and he won’t be able to get back to sleep. He has previously moved out for a few weeks before because I set my alarm and woke him up.

Is he being unreasonable or would you be annoyed if you were in his position? I will feel bad for waking him up but do not want to keep being late for school and rushing around

Your DD needs to be at school, on time.

Set the alarm at the time that makes this happen.

Your DP sounds a controlling, selfish, dick.

Hes unreasonable.

He moved in your home and you have an alarm to get Dd to school. You need to be up at 6.30am so thats when the alarm is set. If hes willing to leave over a 30min alarm he doesnt like you enough and he should leave.

You shouldnt need his permission to set your alarm, you shouldn't have to "ask" he could wear earphones, he could get up, he could ask if you get up at 6.30 with her would you make the morning teas and drink his in bed, he could sleep in a spare room. Your daughters schooling is a priority over his mood.

She also doesnt deserve the instability of him coming and going based on whether you do as your told over an alarm. Tell him next time he leaves, understand he wont be coming back. Its his choice to go but yours to have him back.

It’s 6.30 in the morning. Not 4.30

he needs to be up anyway

Separate bedrooms OR separate houses OR separate lives. No other way.

He will leave his family because he would rather HIS DD was late for school than "allow" his DP to set a 6.30am alarm?

Next time he goes dont let him back. He doesnt love either of you enough.

There is no way that anyone would ever tell me when I can and can’t set my alarm.

He’s not your parent.

I think I would laugh in someone’s face if they tried telling me I couldn’t set my alarm at a certain time.

Wtaf 🫣 You absolutely do not bow down to him!

so he doesn’t need long himself to get up and ready for work.

imagine, he could be getting up at 6.30am, half an hour earlier, and helping you and his child - it isn’t a huge sacrifice, it’s 30 mins. He could go to bed half an hour earlier. It’s not gonna rock the world.

Otherwise he can fuck right off, his demands are a detriment to your child and you

I think it's perfectly reasonable if he doesn't want to be woken up by your alarm. He can now set his own alarm and be responsible for having your DD ready for school before he leaves, and you won't have to set an alarm at all.

Sleep somewhere else and set the alarm earlier. He's completely unreasonable of course and you shouldn't have to do that, but if you're not prepared to tell him he has to help or put up with it, this could work too.

You don’t have to ask permission to set your alarm for the time you need to get up. Does he control you in other ways??

He can set the alarm for whatever time he wants when he moves out

You set your alarm at the time you need to to get your daughter to school in a timely manner.

He'll have to deal, sleep in another room on school nights, or move out.

He's being extremely controlling. Why would you agree to him controlling when you wake up to the point your daughter is late every day? You're showing her it's ok for you to let a man dictate your schedule and it's ok to be late. Why doesn't he get up and get her ready too?

Honestly, I’m in a very similar set up with dd, and I would advise you to try work on ways of getting more efficient rather than giving yourself more time. Sooner or later you will end up up at six, spend at least 2hrs chaotically crashing around and arguing and be knackered before you even get out the door. From experience 🫩

This

@Daisychain67 you asked if you were allowed to set your alarm to get up in the morning . Wow
He has his alarm set for the time he needs so you must set yours for the time you and daughter need .
I can see if you shared to set in a Saturday for a 5.30 run , if then ask if you slept in another room that night as I need/like my sleep .

He then finishes you by moving out for not doing as your told .
Id re assess the relationship .I bet there is more to his behaviour.

Hello op. I’ve not read the thread but I’m going to just come in with my two penneth.

firstly, nobody on earth tells me when to set my alarm. Nobody. It’s a fundamental thing, sleep.

Secondly, no man tells me how to parent my kids. Ever.

Thirdly, I think both you and dd would benefit from some strategies to make mornings less stressful for both of you.

good luck. YANBU

WTAF have I just read?

I have asked him if I can set my alarm for 6.30am as I want to get up before I wake our daughter so that I can half an hour to get myself ready. He has said he doesn’t want me to do this as I will wake him up and he won’t be able to get back to sleep. He has previously moved out for a few weeks before because I set my alarm and woke him up.

this prick moved in with YOU.

and your child.

HE fits in with you or lives somewhere else.

now, I’ve been in some SERIOUSLY controlling relationships with partners who controlled my fucking access to hair conditioner at one point

not once did ASKING to set an alarm ever appear on my list of things to do.

ive only read your op @Daisychain67 , so im hoping you’ve already had the essential epiphany of realising that he absolutely has to go.

you TELL him that your routine is critical, that NOTHING and NOBODY will get in the way of you (a) parenting (b) working (c) living your life.

he can get earplugs, but that’s not going to solve your problem. He is a controlling abuser in the making. The timeline fits with his mask slipping.

your child’s health is at stake, YOUR life is at stake and his presence in it will only ever damage you.

get him gone TODAY!

rip off the plaster, I guarantee you in a WEEK’S time you will feel better, lighter and more free.

then you will kick yourself for every day extra you spent with him when he should have gone and stayed gone

I voted YABU as you shouldn’t have to ask both him in the first place when to set you alarm but also us the question of whether you are being unreasonable.

You tell him no that’s when you have to get up. Either he gets up with you and helps get your child ready or he sucks it up!

I get up way before my husband as I start work earlier and have a longer commute. I have a shower, put on the main light and use my hairdryer and he doesn’t give a shit. I don’t think he wakes up but even if he does he would go back to sleep, he never mentions or complains about it.

I disagree that not wanting to be forced awake earlier than he has to be is controlling or makes him a dick. It's a very understandable point of view; but it does mean that you're not well suited to sleeping together in the same room. You are both the parents of your DD though, so you need to be able to have a conversation about how you can all move forward.

I think if you are not waking up to your 6:30 alarm and only use it so you can be fully awake at 6:45/7:00 then you should find another way to wake yourself up at that time, waking him up with your alarm only for you to snooze it and go back to sleep would annoy me to be honest.

My DH gets up at 4:30 on his early shift and he is up and quietly out as soon as the alarm goes off, because to keep snoozing it would be inconsiderate, but for the sake of half an hour, I think he is being a bit precious, surely there's a compromise to be had there somewhere? I don't see why he gets to set the rules??

I'm actually the same as you with sleep, but we have an alarm clock in our daughters bedroom that goes off the same time as mine, and when it goes off I have to get out of bed to go and turn it off.. once I'm up I don't fall back to sleep again, I much prefer to snooze and have a few extra minutes, but it really throws our schedule off, so this works for me to get me up promptly!

FGS set the alarm when you want to,you DO NOT need anyone’s permission.

You need to compromise. You need to set an alarm for when you have to get up. That’s non negotiable, and if he doesn’t like it, that’s tough. However, you shouldn’t set multiple alarms in the run up to your get-up time, that’s not fair. If you need to get up at 6.30, set your alarm for 6.30, and get up quietly.

There are many threads on here about men who like to press the snooze button for half an hour, and that is always deemed unfair.

6:30 is very early if you don't have to be up.

Yes, we can discuss whether in this case he should be up or not, because his child is involved.

Still, the first person getting up shouldn't disturb the second person's sleep unnecessarily. One alarm, sure. Several long ringing one - not fair

First post nails it.
Even though he's you daughter's dad, he still doesn't care that she gets to school on time.
Tell him to go to bed half an hour earlier if he's not getting enough sleep.
You say you and DD have ADHD. Is it possible her dad is also ND? Or is he just inflexible with a boss complex?

Sorry for double post, but my DH wears a smart watch to bed that just vibrates as an alarm. I am only ever aware of it if I'm already awake. Might that work?