MIL refused our gift

[Hohummumbum]

MIL has just moved, selling the family home she has lived in for 50 years and downsizing to newly built lodge, she has found this quite stressful understandably especially as she is a bit of a hoarder who does not like change.

DH has a strained relationship with his mum but he made her up a little hamper of fancy cheese, crackers and chutney, thinking if she couldn’t be bothered to cook it would be nice and also as she is going away for Christmas, she could have it when she came home as she would probably feel tired after travelling.

So we took the gift round yesterday to wish her merry Christmas before she went away, we hadn’t even got through the door before she said quite abruptly that she didn’t want any gifts, she had too much to deal with and we needed to take it away, she hadn’t looked at what the gift was or expressed any thanks just repeated she didn’t have space and didn’t want it, DH offered to just put it in the fridge but she said no and to take it away.

We left soon after as the atmosphere was tense, DH saying why did he bother and it just feels it has caused more strain in their relationship.

AIBU to feel upset on DH’s behalf or should we be more understanding of the stress MIL has been under?

It wasn’t thoughtful or she wouldn’t have refused it.

I don't think anyone's suggesting it does. It wasn't OK for her to act as she did. But acting nastily isn't the same thing as being a nasty person overall. It doesn't hurt imo to show some understanding that someone might be struggling emotionally and not able to drum up the conventional responses to things.

I think she’s just stressed and possibly quite upset at leaving her home. I’d cut her some slack and give her the gift in the new year when she’s settled in.

Completely agree.
There's no point posting what someone says when they're in a really bad place. We all say things we don't really mean when we're very upset about something.

This is not a key to her character. It's a key to the fact that someone is upset and needs a bit of sympathy.

MILs have feelings too.

Good for you!
Out with misogyny!

Short answer, yes it is rude. But how old is she? Moving house is stressful at the best of times, worse when you're older and it probably reminds you of people you've lost, and your own mortality. I hate to use the men are useless stereotype, but could she feel let down by him due to past behaviour? And at the very beginning of dementia, getting over stressed/being rude seem to be quite common, at least in people I've known of who had it.

Well, that would be the last gift I buy for her.

I have a thousand MIL stories but I’m not going to tell them here, some people have questioned if she could be ND and I have sometimes wondered the same, she is tricky, we expect that but this just seemed really unpleasant.

We do exchange small gifts every Christmas, and thought had gone into it, we know she doesn’t want ‘stuff’ but everyone has to eat, if she had just said thank you but I am really struggling with everything right now, please take it back and enjoy it yourselves that would have been fine but she didn’t and we were just taken aback by how abrupt she was.

Nope, she is rude and an ungrateful and I’m not surprised DH has a strained relationship with her. Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter how old you are, you always want your mother’s love and approval and it hurts when you don’t get it. It is probably better for him to go no or low contact. Enjoy your cheese and crackers!

Perhaps.
No, you probably can’t but it’s quite likely that one day you will no longer be “you” and honestly, you’ve no idea how you will behave.

What are you on about.

The OP clearly stated they gave thought to buying cheese and crackers so the MIL wouldn’t have to think about making tea one day. The epitome of a thoughtful gift.

I 100% know that I never would make any child of mine feel like shit in such a way. Speak for yourself.

Maybe she doesn’t like cheese? I’m told it happens, unlikely as that seems 😁

Either way, no need to be so rude to another poster.

I’m sorry but no, you really don’t. On my last visit to my mum last week, my stepdad told me that the following morning, she asked him “who was that girl who was here yesterday”.

Unfortunately, I can’t speak for myself because I’ve no idea if I’ll be the same at 85. I hope not, obviously, because the me of now would rather end it all than hurt our beloved children or grandchild.

I’m afraid you don’t either.

Dementia is cruel and completely changes a person’s character. it’s not their choice or fault.

Under any circumstances thst is really quite rude. S Being stressed isn't a reason to cause stress for others. Lovely gesture from your DH. He has done absolutely nothing wrong. You are right to support him.

Did she have gifts for you? If not, perhaps she didn’t want to be faced with receiving something without the ability to give in return and was embarrassed and overwhelmed?

As a one-off I agree, however from what else the OP has said, this person has considerable form for being a bit difficult, shall we say.

They might have thought about it but only from their own perspective. They didn’t think about what the recipient might like or want. Truly thoughtful gifts always please because they’re chosen to suit the person they’re given to.

I’m sorry about that it sounds really upsetting, if that’s the case here then I’ve missed a massive update. The OP gave no indication that dementia might be relevant- organising house moves and holidays lends the impression that the MIL is in possession of all her faculties.

Oh, no worries. Several things that OP has said immediately suggested dementia to me.
My mum hid hers for a good couple of years (during lockdown).

Of course you would never consciously do anything to hurt your children! I’ve learned in the last few years that sometimes, sadly, it’s beyond our control.

Lots of us healthy people probably need to reframe our thinking.

Merry Christmas 😊

She has said that, just not in a way you like. She sounds really overwhelmed. You're not being unreasonable to be upset or annoyed by it, but I would just recognise it for what it is.

Maybe if she was a hoarder its hard enough with the change of downsizing to cope with taking things in and probably finding it hard to beat the habit and just say thankyou. Just enjoy the hamper and break for now

She could've at least let you tell her what your gift was & given you a few moments to explain the heartfelt meaning & thoughtfulness behind your compassionate, kind, caring gift for her 🫂I would've just told her & be done with it "It's a delicious hamper treat for when you're too tired to cook a meal"
I mean I would also be upset for my loved ones & had to just this one simple sentence, & it wouldn't take longer than her consistently repeating "no I do not want any presents, just take this away from me"
She might've softened & accepted if she heard this one simple sentence, even if it needed to be said over her refusing rants
How immensely ungrateful, unless she's suffering from dementia or alzheimers
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best 💚🙏💚

Yes I just can't imagine so rudely refusing a gift, especially one so thoughtful - Much less, refusing a precious present from my Sweet Sons
💚😢💚

Is your sense of humour usually this unpleasant?

Oh wait. You’re the unpleasant MIL, aren’t you. You’re the one who wants to throw thoughtful gifts away.
You’re the MIL who can’t even be arsed to say “thank you.”
That’s you, isn’t it.
So wrapped up in your own stuff you can’t manage a smile or see the sunny side of the street.
You might want to look farther than your own kitchen table, your own sitting room, your own bed.
There are people who are reaching out to you.
The love in your heart wasn’t put there to stay.
Love isn’t love till you give it away.

Voila! Phone call no longer necessary.