MIL refused our gift

[Hohummumbum]

MIL has just moved, selling the family home she has lived in for 50 years and downsizing to newly built lodge, she has found this quite stressful understandably especially as she is a bit of a hoarder who does not like change.

DH has a strained relationship with his mum but he made her up a little hamper of fancy cheese, crackers and chutney, thinking if she couldn’t be bothered to cook it would be nice and also as she is going away for Christmas, she could have it when she came home as she would probably feel tired after travelling.

So we took the gift round yesterday to wish her merry Christmas before she went away, we hadn’t even got through the door before she said quite abruptly that she didn’t want any gifts, she had too much to deal with and we needed to take it away, she hadn’t looked at what the gift was or expressed any thanks just repeated she didn’t have space and didn’t want it, DH offered to just put it in the fridge but she said no and to take it away.

We left soon after as the atmosphere was tense, DH saying why did he bother and it just feels it has caused more strain in their relationship.

AIBU to feel upset on DH’s behalf or should we be more understanding of the stress MIL has been under?

Well now you know never to buy her gifts again. Enjoy the contents of the hamper.

Moving is hard and it can’t be easy at her age. I’d take it on the chin and have left it on the doorstep.

You know she's a hoarder and you took her more stuff?

She’s a bitch.

On the plus side, you can eat it

This.. (unless there’s a massive thing coming up later in the thread…)

Oh dear! She sounds hard work. My gran was like that in her 70s.

Don’t let dh take it to heart - in a few years he’ll laugh about it.

“Remember that year you went to all the trouble of making that lovely hamper and MiL turned us away at the door!”

It’ll become a family classic anecdote.

So she knew and agreed you were coming and then pretty much told you to jog on when you arrived?

Yanbu. She is rude and not worth wasting your time or gift on, atm at least. Run in the other direction and stop bothering.

Also we have supported her during the move, numerous tip runs, cleaning, taking furniture and belongings to storage, but couldn’t help her sort her belongings as she needed to make a decision about every single item individually, it wasn’t ’can you pack those books on the bookshelf into that box’, every single book had to be picked up, looked at, considered before she decided it it was going to charity, storage or new home.

Some of the requests were unreasonable such as asking DH to drive the 30 minutes to her house, pick up a 20 year old PC and drive another 30 minutes to PC World where she would get a £5 voucher for recycling it, when DH said it would cost him more than that in petrol she sent him quite a nasty text saying she drove to our house to drop him off a birthday gift (pack of Bakewell tarts) so he should be more willing to help her.

That was really rude, yes. However, I can’t imagine selling my family home of more than 50 years. Especially if she was a bit of a hoarder. Can you imagine the stress of trying to decide what can go with you (presumably not very much) and how to get rid of the rest. I’m not very organised and i’d have found it a massively overwhelming task. She probably was at her limits, and couldn’t cope any more. So lost it at a minor thing, and was a kind thought of your dh. She does sound in a tough place. Sorry for your dh though.

Your MiL was rude and abrupt. She was also clearly stressed. In my view your role is to support your DH, but remember that above all else he will want, as most of us do, the love and acceptance of his mother.

So I suggest that you don’t stoke him up by emphasising her poor behaviour but calm him down, console him, and think about how in the New Year, you can restore a little of the relationship that he wants.

This. Moving after so long, breaking her hoarding. That's a lot. And two days before Christmas is the last time I want someone poking around in my fridge!

It was a kind thought, but I think you need to give her some leeway.

Whenever I declutter and get the house nice again I have a visceral reaction to people bringing more stuff into it. I'm not rude about it, but it's definitely something I have to control.

I wouldn’t bother with her again. Rude cow.

Sounds really rude, also sounds like she is overwhelmed and stressed. Both can be true.

You mention the relationship is strained, so I am guessing this is not out of character.

However, I on the basis that she's just moved house, clearly has too much stuff, and is about to go away for Christmas, it doesn't sound like a particularly well thought out gift. If that had been me I would have been polite, but then silently cursed you after I'd gone as it was one more thing to deal with. I suspect it falls into the category of gifts that the giver thinks were thoughtful, but the recipient didn't.

They took her a gift of food, you eat it and it's gone. Unless she never eats anything and hoards all her food.

I know how she feels. We moved on Friday, much smaller place too. People asking for our address, I've said please dont send anything not even a card we have no room. Huge bouquet arrives, we literally have no surfaces, no vases. I would have no room to store cheese or chutney ey either. Moving is a lot

Had she told you in advance that she didn’t want a gift? I feel that’s the main piece of information needed to ascertain whether she was unreasonable.

If she’d told you she didn’t want gifts and you took one then you are unreasonable.

If you weren’t told she didn’t want a gift in advance then she is unreasonable.

Take it to the closest care home and donate it. Someone will appreciate it!

If that had been me I would have been polite, but then silently cursed you after I'd gone as it was one more thing to deal with.
Wut? Who gets stressed by cheese and biscuits?

My mum in her latter years could be a bit.. abrupt.

I would have said don’t be silly mum, you’ll be glad of it when you come back, put it in her fridge for her, made her a cup of tea and given her a hug.

I think some posters really have no empathy at all.

She was rude but your timing was misjudged. Leave her now until after her holiday. Presumably none of this goes off immediately.

What a ridiculous attention-seeker drama queen. Of course you are not BU, she's very lucky that your DH and you are so kind and trying to be helpful.

There's nothing to do about someone so selfish, just roll your eyes and don't take it so personally.

I agree with the poster above, try to laugh about it, let her moan and speak to her like you would to pacify a toddler 😂

But sometimes that is the reason for this sort of behaviour. Although I agree that people often seem to make trite assumptions of dementia on MN if anyone they deem elderly is acting strangely (and it annoys me too), OP's post rang several bells with me as my DM who has Alzheimer's now gets very stressed by presents, both the act of opening them and having unfamiliar objects around once they've been opened. I hope that's not what's happening with OP's MIL, but at the same time (assuming she hasn't already been checked out for this) I don't think it's that far beyond the realms of possibility, sadly. Hopefully I'm wrong.

I also think she's likely to be mourning her old life and Christmas is probably touching on raw nerves. OP, to be clear, I do still think she was really rude and it must have been hurtful for your DH to have his very thoughtful gift refused - I don't think her behaviour was OK at all - but I suspect it speaks more to your MIL's current state of mind (regardless whether there's any dementia in the mix) than anything else.

Yes this.

@Hohummumbum I don't understand why you're taking it so personally?

Surely you understand it's her reaction, she's either struggling or isn't an easy person generally. Either way, enjoy the cheese and chalk it up to experience.

A hoarder moving after 50 years - that's an awful big shock to their system.