MIL refused our gift

[Hohummumbum]

MIL has just moved, selling the family home she has lived in for 50 years and downsizing to newly built lodge, she has found this quite stressful understandably especially as she is a bit of a hoarder who does not like change.

DH has a strained relationship with his mum but he made her up a little hamper of fancy cheese, crackers and chutney, thinking if she couldn’t be bothered to cook it would be nice and also as she is going away for Christmas, she could have it when she came home as she would probably feel tired after travelling.

So we took the gift round yesterday to wish her merry Christmas before she went away, we hadn’t even got through the door before she said quite abruptly that she didn’t want any gifts, she had too much to deal with and we needed to take it away, she hadn’t looked at what the gift was or expressed any thanks just repeated she didn’t have space and didn’t want it, DH offered to just put it in the fridge but she said no and to take it away.

We left soon after as the atmosphere was tense, DH saying why did he bother and it just feels it has caused more strain in their relationship.

AIBU to feel upset on DH’s behalf or should we be more understanding of the stress MIL has been under?

Sounds to me like she was very stressed and this was a misunderstanding.

And it's little wonder why hubby has a strained relationship with his mum.

Next year just do not bother, leave her to it. I think whatever you do or don't do it will never be what she wants so don't put yourselves through it?

I had a grandma who lived with us like that. No matter what I bought her as a little kid, it came with disapproval. Like when I spent my entire pocket money on a large bar of dark chocolate for her, which I knew she loved, to be met with a tut and a "Are you just trying to make me fat?". My dad told me to stop trying, it's easier!

Not when you read what type of person she is.

Enjoy the cheese and wait for the inheritance

As a test measure and out of idle interest, I reported the first post, a few posts in, that called MIL a nasty OLD woman (or something similar). To MNHQ's credit, they promptly deleted that post

Horrible and ageist. 'Old biddy' 'Old bag' 'nasty old woman'

Being "old" is factual. If we decide that it's an insult or a swear word, it's actually very offensive to old people 😂

They didn't delete the one I reported.

Which one was that? I'll give it a go

I tend to mentally replace the word 'old' with 'Jewish' or 'black' and see how that reads. And then I go wide eyed with faux innocence and say to myself, but oh, it was just factual - she really was a '[Jewish] bag'

Ten posts have now been deleted - so that's something (though TBF someone posts were being deleted for quoting ageist slurs)

The 'old bag' one posted at 12.36 is still there.

Oh come off it. She snapped. It’s a foible and my point is that this doesn’t warrant being cut off/punished.

it's not the same at all, is it, and you know it.

Wow, what a nasty, nasty woman. God knows I’m stressed out myself but I could never fathom treating my children like this. She can’t be that stressed if she’s going away at this time of year anyway. Just a case of a horrible person being horrible.

Your mother-in-law sounds very overwhelmed and unable to cope well with change. It’s not your or your husband’s fault and she could have tried much harder.

Would her behavior over the years be explained as a personality disorder or autism?? It’s still no excuse for bad behaviour.

Tell your husband to put a line under it - he did a thoughtful thing and he comes out on top.

If I was his wife I would be annoyed for him too. Would I say something to her?? I probably would. It might cause further disharmony but you know then where to place boundaries.

She was very rude but my immediate impression was of someone stressed and overloaded. If she’s a hoarder does she have any space for your gift? Perhaps she didn’t want you to see inside her fridge, maybe it’s stuffed full and needs cleared out and seeing your gift was the final straw, a reminder of yet another task she has to to do. Has she bought gifts this year? Maybe she thought that with the gift came an expectation she would buy you both a gift although I’m sure that wasn’t your intention. Your OH needs to check in with her about her mental health.

Doesn’t sound like he should take it personally. She seems stressed. Not defending her but she is what she is, clearly. Not all moms are the same.

What a load of tripe. It’s all about context. Nobody ever says ‘young cow’ or ‘young bag’. It is specifically used to reinforce an insult, with the implication that being old is part of the problem. If someone needed to describe a woman they had seen somewhere and the woman was in her eighties, describing her as, say, an ‘old woman in a blue coat and black boots’ would be factual. It is disingenuous to suggest that tacking the word ‘old’ onto ‘bag’ is anything other than ageist.

Haha best reply on here

Is she used to getting gifts? I’m not defending her here, just musing about possible reasons why she’s done this. When I first got together with my ex, I’d never ever been bought flowers and never received any gifts from any boyfriends. As I child I’d not really had many gifts and none which were thoughtful and given with love. So what was my reaction when he had a big box of beautiful flowers delivered? To snub them and pretend I wasn’t remotely interested. I don’t know for sure why I reacted like this, except for the fact that I’d never received anything like it before and frankly, had no idea how to react. I was overwhelmed and afraid of not responding correctly.
I was 100% bang out of order and downright bloody rude and cruel but there was a backstory. A very sad one actually if it all was to be shared.

FWIW whilst cheese and biscuits is nice, it’s not THAT special

I mean I always leave goodies in my mum’s fridge if she’s been away and vice versa.

The woman was overwhelmed for goodness’ sakes

So was the gift for her or for your own gratification. I am speaking as someone who constantly tells my in laws we have no room in our flat and getting lots of (crappy) gifts is stressful and gives us the job of having to get rid of them, then they pile on the crap anyway.

She didn't want the gift. Take it back with grace. It was too overwhelming for her. If she acts a dick in other aspects then that's a different issue for another thread.

Being massively stressed doesn't give anyone the right to be nasty.

Honestly, I think she sounds at the end of her tether. It doesn't excuse her rudeness but it should make your DH realise it's not personal. Cut her some slack and try and help him realise that.

The fact that you can only recognise certain 'isms and not others says it all 😒