MIL refused our gift

[Hohummumbum]

MIL has just moved, selling the family home she has lived in for 50 years and downsizing to newly built lodge, she has found this quite stressful understandably especially as she is a bit of a hoarder who does not like change.

DH has a strained relationship with his mum but he made her up a little hamper of fancy cheese, crackers and chutney, thinking if she couldn’t be bothered to cook it would be nice and also as she is going away for Christmas, she could have it when she came home as she would probably feel tired after travelling.

So we took the gift round yesterday to wish her merry Christmas before she went away, we hadn’t even got through the door before she said quite abruptly that she didn’t want any gifts, she had too much to deal with and we needed to take it away, she hadn’t looked at what the gift was or expressed any thanks just repeated she didn’t have space and didn’t want it, DH offered to just put it in the fridge but she said no and to take it away.

We left soon after as the atmosphere was tense, DH saying why did he bother and it just feels it has caused more strain in their relationship.

AIBU to feel upset on DH’s behalf or should we be more understanding of the stress MIL has been under?

Honestly, unless she's always like this I'd try to encourage your DH not to take it personally. I've had a lot of involvement with older adults and many - not all - easily get worked up about things that would not have stressed them at all when they were younger. A generalisation, of course, but many are also less inhibited about appearing rude or hurtful. One relative, now in her 80s is still resentful of things her own mother said 20 years ago. She doesn't seem to realise that she is even more insensitive and wrapped up in her own (very real) worries than her mother was. It's often just part of life and I find if I'm prepared for an odd reaction or comment it doesn't bother me half as much.

Thanks everyone, I don’t think she has dementia, she’s always been difficult but it has got worse over the last few years.

some of your insights about hoarding have been helpful, she does value everything and doesn’t like replacing or throwing anything away even when it is really old and tatty, her bedroom curtains were in shreds from being rotted by the sun but as she could not get the exact same pattern she did not replace them.

She has put a lot of things in storage that in reality will sit there until she is no longer with us and then they will be disposed of as they are old and worn out and have emotional value to her but no monetary value.

I agree she is overwhelmed with the move and will try and help DH see it isn’t personal, it’s not another swipe at him but just her not coping well, with all these changes.

I didnt jump to the 'She's rude' conclusion others have but feel that she is possibly overwhelmed and finding it hard to come to term with her new life situation.
She may always have been a difficult person but you can still feel trauma when faced with a difficult change.

I would try and see it through her lens rather than get upset.

Crikey what an old bag he has for a mother. My NY resolution would be to have as little as possible to do with her and offer no help in the future unless she apologises for her rudeness.

She’s rude.

I can look really grumpy when stressed but I’d still say polite words. And then apologise for grumpy attitude if need be afterwards.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect an apology for the way she treated you. I can understand why your DH is upset. I’d be too, for MILs behaviour and lack of consideration and the thoughtfulness of the gift.

That sounds hurtful for you and your DH. I think she sounds hurt, whether reasonably or unreasonably- did she want to spend Christmas with you or is it just because your DH won't go to excessive lengths to help her with trivial things?

She should not have been so rude. I'd imagine her reaction was the result of the weight of the move, the stress of Christmas and a bit of being annoyed/hurt (even if unreasonably so!).

Oh just to add, my parents moved from a house they had lived in for 25 years and it was a huge adjustment. I can imagine she is almost grieving the loss of her family home after 50!

Obviously she was rude to refuse the gift but it sounds like maybe she's not coping very well and was feeling really overwhelmed. Not making excuses for her. Just saying maybe there's more to her reaction than her just being ungrateful.

I think some older people do have undiagnosed mental health issues that in there younger days were not even understood well... I was not diognoced untill I was getting on with being on the autistic spectrum and a form of adhd.. I have huge problems with parting with stuff that I don't really need I really don't like change... because it's all so difficult it builds up until it's ridiculously stressful over miner things.. I think your MI sounds like she's finding things difficult even day to day and has become angry but can't except help or advice.. all you can do is offer help if needed but stand back and let her get on with it as she is standing her ground. And🙏💖💞💕

One thing I can’t tolerate is people who take things out on others.
If someone offers you a gift that they have clearly put thought into, you accept it graciously. If you don’t want it, you can sort that out later once they have gone.

’Painful memories’ is no excuse to be a bitch. I have zero time for snappy, drama queens.

Lots of older people aren’t doing it on purpose.
My mum has dementia, not drama queen Otis. She will be overwhelmed and confused at Christmas. It won’t be her fault.
I hope people will be more understanding towards you, should it come to that.

Has this lady got dementia?

I recall soon after getting engaged my MIL responded to an invitation to have coffee one weekend “oh no I’m not going to do that, I’m always busy”. I though it was just me but when her sister died my DH (who had been quite close to aunt) was told by MIL “you are not needed at the funeral, don’t come”. She’s a cow. Years of trying led to me telling DH to deal with her on his own. Unsurprisingly he visits once or twice a year for the shortest possible time with our sons. She moans she is bored etc but no shit Sherlock - that’s what happens when you are unpleasant to people, they avoid yoi. Big hugs, OP

Bloody hell, I feel really sorry for your husband.
I don't care how stressed she is there is no need for that level of rudeness.
Disgusting behaviour imo.

That’s the trouble, people can mask it for a surprisingly long time. Some of OP’s comments suggest to me that it’s certainly a possibility.

Could it also be that she did not get help with the massive move and she is stressed from handling it alone, mixed with some bitterness that (in her eyes, not mine) her son comes swanning in with a gift after what she really needed was practical removal help?

Just a thought. It would partly explain why she had a short fuse; doing a big move is horrendous, more so when full of the aches and pains of aging and at a time when everyone is fussing about Christmas as if it's all there is to life. :)

OP said they did lots of helping- helped her get rid of tons of junk from her own house and spent an inordinate amount of time sorting out her stuff.

Yes, she sounds incredibly stressed

A sad situation for you ..all three.
I would think that MIL thinks her move has all been a terrible mistake as she has been overwhelmed by it, misses all her stuff from downsizing, and has no idea how she fits into her life any more. This sort of move, on her own, is incredibly hard as you get older. She was having a hissy fit with your DH as he is probably one of the closest to her….much like a child coming out of her first day at school lets her mum have it as soon as she gets home.

Let it go if you can, and gently enquire if she is ok and needs anything as soon as she is back. It takes time to adjust to a new situation for some older people and especially for a hoarder who has been forced to get rid of stuff that means so much to her. Keep an eye on her and hopefully she will settle in time.

I agree that this could be the case. Some of these replies are absolutely horrible.

I felt like this but didn't share it when people sent flowers when I broke my wrist...it was a hassle, I was tired (think I moved the bones stupidly cutting stems - had to be manipulated again, put in a new plaster pot). It seems unreasonable but has a reason. Maybe having had a big tidy up..she has resolved not to add any more stuff. Speaking bluntly is not ok, though perhaps she just didn't want it and said so. Maybe she is in pain, that makes you Low energy and irritable.
Perhaps after the shock your DH could just say he was wanting to share his love and regard and say "love you Mum" in some way? Call, card?

I have a mother like this. It’s rude and hurtful. Sadly she is unlikely to change.

SummerHouse · Today 08:33
This just strikes me as someone who is at the end of their tether. Massively rude but she clearly needs understanding and support if you can see past the gift snub.
I’d think this too

I agree with this

Horrible and ageist. 'Old biddy' 'Old bag' 'nasty old woman'

There was a time MN would delete ageist comments like this. Sadly not anymore.