MIL refused our gift

[Hohummumbum]

MIL has just moved, selling the family home she has lived in for 50 years and downsizing to newly built lodge, she has found this quite stressful understandably especially as she is a bit of a hoarder who does not like change.

DH has a strained relationship with his mum but he made her up a little hamper of fancy cheese, crackers and chutney, thinking if she couldn’t be bothered to cook it would be nice and also as she is going away for Christmas, she could have it when she came home as she would probably feel tired after travelling.

So we took the gift round yesterday to wish her merry Christmas before she went away, we hadn’t even got through the door before she said quite abruptly that she didn’t want any gifts, she had too much to deal with and we needed to take it away, she hadn’t looked at what the gift was or expressed any thanks just repeated she didn’t have space and didn’t want it, DH offered to just put it in the fridge but she said no and to take it away.

We left soon after as the atmosphere was tense, DH saying why did he bother and it just feels it has caused more strain in their relationship.

AIBU to feel upset on DH’s behalf or should we be more understanding of the stress MIL has been under?

I understand that you are upset, but please cut her some slack. She going through a period of upheaval in her life. She's on her own. She has a lot of adjustments to make. Ok, so it wasn't the nicest response, but she's your husband's mother and she's getting older.

🙄

I work in mental health and I urge you to read up on Obsessive - Compulsive Personality Disorder as listed in DSM-V.

Whatever MILs problem may be you and your partner need to think of your own wellbeing. The problem you have is that unless MIL has some insight to her unreasonableness (which she doesn’t seem to) then you’re fighting a losing battle and every interaction is likely to be emotionally damaging. You could try writing her a very frank letter, but it will undoubtedly cause her narcissistic injury and she will initially lash out. Although you never know, it might trigger some reflection and insight if she thinks about it.

If a serious intervention like that has no effect, the only way to protect yourself might be to go no contact. Best of luck x

Did she say beforehand that she didn’t want any gift for Christmas?

My husband has this friend that he’s known since school. Lovely chap. He’s pretty well off but not at all in a flashy way. Every Christmas we tell him we do not want anything for Christmas and that we don’t do gifts for anyone outside the immediate family due to budget constraints.

We have a moderate income but things are tight at Christmas time like most families. We often don’t even buy each other presents (me and hubby) because all our money goes on buying presents for our two children.

Every year this particular friend completely ignores our wishes and turns up with lots of gifts for us and the kids and says, don’t worry we don’t expect anything in return. It’s so embarrassing and just highlights to us that we’re poorer than him.

He’ll do it on birthdays too. We’re adults who no longer buy gifts for our adult friends or siblings unless it’s a big birthday. We only buy for our close friends’ kids or nieces/nephews. We just don’t have enough ‘spare’ money left over at the end of the month but also stress to them we absolutely don’t want any bought for us either. This same friend will always buy my husband an expensive gift for his birthday, even when we ask him not to. It’s embarrassing!

My point is when someone says they don’t want a gift for Christmas, believe them and don’t buy them one. It’s rude. If she hadn’t mentioned anything before you turned up on the day then that’s a different story…

How lovely. Do you make a habit of dismissing mental illness as being wrapped up in one’s own stuff?

Sorry? You work in mental health, and you go from "AIBU to feel upset on DH’s behalf or should we be more understanding of the stress MIL has been under?" (OP) to "the only way to protect yourself might be to go no contact"? Best of luck indeed!

Yes I love this quote & not been reminded of it for such long time
Thank you immensely for the beautifully brilliant reminder in
"The Love In Your Heart Wasn't Put There To Stay, Love Isn't Love Til It's Given Away" 💚🤗💚
God Bless You&Yours

i wouldn’t buy someone a perishable gift just before they go on holiday. Never mind a known hoarders who has just downsized. I think YABU here.

She’s an extremely rude woman.
Doing anything nice, is wasted on people like this.

I’m not surprised his relationship with her is strained.

Just wanted to say being a hoarder as nothing to do with being a selfish person

How could you ever be unreasonable here? You know you're not.

Okay, so maybe something had occurred before you turned up which triggered her rudeness, but that is no reason to be so unkind to you both. I'd assume if something had happened, she'd have thought about her comments and rung to apologise.

There is no law that says you have to like your parents.

Go on you’re going to have to explain? You think this couple should put-up with every interaction with MIL being hostile and upsetting? Why?

Yes Completely Concur With You Sincere Soul 💚🙌💚Sentimental, really good hearted, compassionate kind caring folks, are most oftentimes hoarders & mostly just can't bear to lose touch with precious items & belongings beholding such beautiful meaningful memories
💚🤗💚

I think this comment from another thread today sums it up:
"My dh is completely non contact with his whole family because they are abusive and narcissistic. We’re talking serious abuse. This isn’t that. You just have to learn to suck it up and smile and nod for the sake of your sister."
I've crossed out the last sentence as it doesn't apply. Rather, our OP asks whether to be upset or more understanding. They need boundaries, a bit of distance and perspective. I assume things won't ever improve, but surely they can be lived with.

Again that doesn’t answer the question. Why should OP feel obliged to give any of their personal time to another adult where the OP has to ‘manage’ and endure that adult’s dysregulated behaviour? Why?

Because that’s what being part of a family sometimes entails. You can’t just cherry pick the good bits.

Why? Because that's what the OP is asking about. How to manage and endure MIL's dysregulated behaviour. Not cut her off and never see her again.

What a completely bonkers response! Seriously? In what way exactly do you "work in mental health"? The approach you're suggesting would probably be detrimental to the mental health of all involved. Going non-contact is only appropriate in a minority of circumstances. This isn't one of them.

Family dynamics change over time and adapting to those circumstances can be challenging as our parents age. I hope the OP and her partner have more insight and maturity than some of the PPs with their scorched earth approach.

That’s an interesting response to a post that suggests other things with no contact only as a last resort (which it is.) Why jump to anger and denial that ‘no contact’ is an option?

There's no anger there at all. I'm simply stunned at the lack of both emotional intelligence and an understanding of interpersonal relationships. It seems more like trolling, given that you claim to work in mental health. Going no contact is an inappropriate and immature response in this scenario. Either you are posting with an intent to do mischief, or you have some issues of your own that are impairing your judgement. It's probably pointless engaging with you further, so I hope the OP can see your contribution for what it is. Have a lovely day.