Page 5 | MIL refused our gift

Littlejellyuk · 23/12/2025 10:23

Hohummumbum · 23/12/2025 08:25

MIL has just moved, selling the family home she has lived in for 50 years and downsizing to newly built lodge, she has found this quite stressful understandably especially as she is a bit of a hoarder who does not like change.

DH has a strained relationship with his mum but he made her up a little hamper of fancy cheese, crackers and chutney, thinking if she couldn’t be bothered to cook it would be nice and also as she is going away for Christmas, she could have it when she came home as she would probably feel tired after travelling.

So we took the gift round yesterday to wish her merry Christmas before she went away, we hadn’t even got through the door before she said quite abruptly that she didn’t want any gifts, she had too much to deal with and we needed to take it away, she hadn’t looked at what the gift was or expressed any thanks just repeated she didn’t have space and didn’t want it, DH offered to just put it in the fridge but she said no and to take it away.

We left soon after as the atmosphere was tense, DH saying why did he bother and it just feels it has caused more strain in their relationship.

AIBU to feel upset on DH’s behalf or should we be more understanding of the stress MIL has been under?

She was rude and sounds like hard work, but she did you a favour. 💯
You now have a tasty cheese hamper 🧀
and you now know, not to make the effort again with her next year. 😉

Win win. 👏
Enjoy your cheese 💃

senua · 23/12/2025 10:24

TorroFerney · 23/12/2025 10:12

Why are they sorry? That suggests in some way the husband caused his mum to react like that. He’s not that powerful to be able to control his mums behaviour she did that herself.

Show quote history

It's an oft-used passive/aggressive thing, the old "Sorry that you feel that way".
He's not sorry that he caused upset. He's sorry that she was upset at him.

As you say, it's her behaviour that is the problem.

Littlejellyuk · 23/12/2025 10:25

Floatlikeafeather2 · 23/12/2025 09:30

On the contrary, it's a very well thought out gift, for all the reasons the OP stated. It's not like they gave her a massive coffee table or a life size statue of a labrador. It was cheese and crackers which, hey presto!, disappear when you eat them. She was very rude. Stress is not a get out card, though a lot of people on here seem to use it as an excuse for bad behaviour. It was a slap in the face for OP's husband and seems calculated to hurt, as she almost met them at the door, already waving it and them away.

Show quote history

A life size statue of a labrador had me howling 😆 🤣 😂

CountFucula · 23/12/2025 10:26

she sounds horrible.

YourMintTraybake · 23/12/2025 10:29

It's a thoughtful gift and she was rude and ungrateful

She might be stressed but it's her fault she has been hoarding things a s and shouldn't take that out on you. Presume she doesn't work so has all the time to go through stuff and get rid.

There a people who move house working full time, taking care of kids and parents etc who are stressed but don't act like that.

She should be grateful how much you help her, my dad is a hoarder and he would never be so rude

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 23/12/2025 10:32

The more I read this thread, the more I sympathise with the MIL!

I am awaiting surgery meaning a reduced diet, and if someone turned up with a hamper of cheese I'd really want to refuse it. I can't eat it, it makes me physically ill, and I need to lose weight pre-surgery anyway.

People behaving like they are on this thread whilst I try to navigate a low fat, low dairy and low alcohol Christmas are what's making life hard for me!

gamerchick · 23/12/2025 10:32

Yes she was rude. She also sounds completely overwhelmed.

Enjoy the hamper, let her acclimatise to her new life for a bit. She can get in touch when she's ready.

cockandbullstories · 23/12/2025 10:33

I'm wondering if she is still upset from her move and a loss of many of her possessions. Maybe in her mind it's like moving into God's waiting room and there is nothing to celebrate?

BauhausOfEliott · 23/12/2025 10:33

BrickBiscuit · 23/12/2025 09:01

You know she's a hoarder and you took her more stuff?

It was some bloody cheese, FFS. That's not 'more stuff'. It's food, that she can eat. Read the post.

gamerchick · 23/12/2025 10:34

And stop running around after her so much. Let her strop. If it's not convenient then it doesn't happen.

Katflapkit · 23/12/2025 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It beat you ...
Ridiculous. Clearly the MIL move or no move is a thoughtless, cantankerous dragon

ExtraOnions · 23/12/2025 10:36

I don’t understand why it’s “rude” to decline something that you never asked for in the first place.

BrickBiscuit · 23/12/2025 10:37

BauhausOfEliott · 23/12/2025 10:33

It was some bloody cheese, FFS. That's not 'more stuff'. It's food, that she can eat. Read the post.

Show quote history

They didn't tell her the stuff was food. They presented her with stuff. Read the post.

YourMintTraybake · 23/12/2025 10:37

ExtraOnions · 23/12/2025 10:36

I don’t understand why it’s “rude” to decline something that you never asked for in the first place.

It's Xmas .... You dont ask everyone for a gift

BauhausOfEliott · 23/12/2025 10:37

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 23/12/2025 10:32

The more I read this thread, the more I sympathise with the MIL!

I am awaiting surgery meaning a reduced diet, and if someone turned up with a hamper of cheese I'd really want to refuse it. I can't eat it, it makes me physically ill, and I need to lose weight pre-surgery anyway.

People behaving like they are on this thread whilst I try to navigate a low fat, low dairy and low alcohol Christmas are what's making life hard for me!

Don't be silly. There's a colossal difference between your situation and the MIL's. If the MIL was on a diet like yours, clearly nobody would think she was wrong to refuse some cheese. This isn't about you or your diet.

BauhausOfEliott · 23/12/2025 10:40

BrickBiscuit · 23/12/2025 10:37

They didn't tell her the stuff was food. They presented her with stuff. Read the post.

Show quote history

DH offered to just put it in the fridge

I think this part of the post makes it pretty clear that the MIL was made aware that it was food. The fridge element is the giveaway here.

BauhausOfEliott · 23/12/2025 10:41

ExtraOnions · 23/12/2025 10:36

I don’t understand why it’s “rude” to decline something that you never asked for in the first place.

There's always one

DreamTheMoors · 23/12/2025 10:42

Hohummumbum · 23/12/2025 08:58

MIL can be very self centred, sometimes her requests are unreasonable and she doesn’t appreciate that we both work and don’t have time to drop everything every time she needs something, then guilt trips us.

We did phone her yesterday to ask if we could come over as it’s a 30 minute drive so wanted to make sure she was home.

Maybe she WAS tired.
Maybe she WAS stressed.
Maybe she WAS irritable.

But none of that and none of that shit you listed up there IS AN EXCUSE TO BE RUDE TO ANYBODY, MUCH LESS YOUR CHILD AND YOUR CHILD’S SPOUSE.

And if you give me her number I’d be happy to call and inform her of that very important information.
Sending love ❤️

thepariscrimefiles · 23/12/2025 10:47

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 23/12/2025 10:32

The more I read this thread, the more I sympathise with the MIL!

I am awaiting surgery meaning a reduced diet, and if someone turned up with a hamper of cheese I'd really want to refuse it. I can't eat it, it makes me physically ill, and I need to lose weight pre-surgery anyway.

People behaving like they are on this thread whilst I try to navigate a low fat, low dairy and low alcohol Christmas are what's making life hard for me!

Your post takes projection to a new level. There is no evidence that OP's MIL is awaiting surgery and on a reduced diet in preparation. I assume that her son knows that she will normally eat cheese, crackers and chutney so he was shocked at the rude and unkind way that she rejected his gift.

Craftysue · 23/12/2025 10:53

Ponoka7 · 23/12/2025 09:36

Fuck off with the ageism and it is ageism unless you often use other protected characteristics, nasty black woman, nasty muslim woman etc etc.
There's a lack of understanding about hoarding, it's a MH issue. Once something has been accepted without prior thought, it opens the floodgates (in the hoarders mind). Re the £5, hoarders convince themselves that their stuff is wanted/valuable etc, part of being able to let go was that £5. I think read up on hoarding and try to understand why anything unplanned is stressful. If she didn't want it, she still wouldn't have been able to throw or give it away, because of the value placed on it. This is hopefully a new start for her.

Show quote history

Don't lecture me on mental health. After 40 years I've finally cut my brother out of my life. I'm sick of his toxic behaviour and cruelty that is constantly excused by him having poor mental health. He knows exactly what he's doing and saying to cause maximum damage and distress. People don't have a free pass to treat others like rubbish because they have mental or physical health issues!

Rainydayinlondon · 23/12/2025 10:55

If she’s lived there for 50 years she’ll be fairly old. Trying to sort out stuff in order to downsize and decide what sentimental stuff can be thrown away will be incredibly stressful. You see it here in the declutterring threads and most posters won’t have a lifetime of memories to sort through. Thirty year olds get stressed sorting out toys.

OP you caught her at a bad moment. I think your husband needs to show some empathy and go round and help her out.

BrickBiscuit · 23/12/2025 10:59

BauhausOfEliott · 23/12/2025 10:40

DH offered to just put it in the fridge

I think this part of the post makes it pretty clear that the MIL was made aware that it was food. The fridge element is the giveaway here.

Show quote history

She had already told them she didn't want ANY gifts by the time they told her this. She had already refused ANY gifts by this point.

Rainydayinlondon · 23/12/2025 11:00

Pricelessadvice · 23/12/2025 09:10

I wouldn’t bother with her again. Rude cow.

Seriously?? You wouldn’t bother with a relation just because they snapped at you when they were in the midst of sorting through piles of stuff which brought back painful memories?

Blimey. What is the world coming to.

Rainydayinlondon · 23/12/2025 11:04

cockandbullstories · 23/12/2025 10:33

I'm wondering if she is still upset from her move and a loss of many of her possessions. Maybe in her mind it's like moving into God's waiting room and there is nothing to celebrate?

Absolutely. People on MN have zero empathy.

This thread has actually made me feel quite sad.

The OP and her husband are not going through the same emotional stress . OK it’s a bit disappointing, but it’s not as if they’re 10 year olds. They’re adults who should have some sort of understanding

Katypp · 23/12/2025 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yet if the MIL had given the OP a gift she didn't want, there would be posters telling her to refuse the gift.
Boundaries and not people pleasing are so popular on here but only when it's the op's boundaries apparently.
And by the way, nasty old woman is extremely offensive and rude.