MIL refused our gift

[Hohummumbum]

MIL has just moved, selling the family home she has lived in for 50 years and downsizing to newly built lodge, she has found this quite stressful understandably especially as she is a bit of a hoarder who does not like change.

DH has a strained relationship with his mum but he made her up a little hamper of fancy cheese, crackers and chutney, thinking if she couldn’t be bothered to cook it would be nice and also as she is going away for Christmas, she could have it when she came home as she would probably feel tired after travelling.

So we took the gift round yesterday to wish her merry Christmas before she went away, we hadn’t even got through the door before she said quite abruptly that she didn’t want any gifts, she had too much to deal with and we needed to take it away, she hadn’t looked at what the gift was or expressed any thanks just repeated she didn’t have space and didn’t want it, DH offered to just put it in the fridge but she said no and to take it away.

We left soon after as the atmosphere was tense, DH saying why did he bother and it just feels it has caused more strain in their relationship.

AIBU to feel upset on DH’s behalf or should we be more understanding of the stress MIL has been under?

She already moved so presumably she has already sorted her stuff and it's not a reason to be rude.

MIL can be very self centred, sometimes her requests are unreasonable and she doesn’t appreciate that we both work and don’t have time to drop everything every time she needs something, then guilt trips us.

yes, all together that would be more than enough to just ignore her from now.

Snapping at someone who's helping you constantly and tried to do something else? What's the world coming to if people think it's remotely acceptable.

No wonder people complain about feral children, rude adults and general unpleasantness. Standards need to get higher.

I've been stressed and right at the end of my tether. I did not take this out on others. No adult should. These are people who have bent over backwards to help her during her move (which was presumably her idea).

I often feel overwhelmed by gifts, not in a good way; most of them are things I wouldn't want to keep, wear or eat, and being given them means I need to make decisions about how to regift/donate them or throw them out (which is wasteful and which I hate), and how to avoid giving offense to the givers, many of whom I am fond of.

So while I don't think I've ever refused a gift, they often stress me out, and I am not an elderly person who has just had a traumatic house move.

I would try to frame it differently in your own mind: her refusing the gift is a sign of how unsettled and stressed she is. She just can no longer cope.

So on this occasion, I'd try to be understanding. Eat the cheese or regift it and try to forget it happened. Hopefully, as she settles into the new place she will settle onto more of an even keel.

(This is in the understanding that this is an isolated incident. If it's a pattern of behaviour by your MIL my advice might be slightly different).

Very rude and unkind but my MIL can be exactly like this when she is in one of her moods.
It is very hard but put it down to old age and that is the way she is.
On the plus side you get to enjoy the gift yourselves.
Your MIL isn't going to change, you have to change how you react to her, if she doesn't get a reaction she might stop being so ungrateful.

She sounds unwell.

Shes rude. There would be precisely zero effort going forward. I wouldn’t even reply to her messages

If she's trying to stop hoarding she won't want anything at all ever and its not a snub she was probably very embarrassed and is trying to get better to help everyone hoarding is very difficult to overcome if she's not rude about anything else I would just not take offence and try keep the lines of communication

It's not 'things' that are going to clutter up the house though, it's edibles.

Don't be ridiculous. Do you often ring complete strangers to give them your opinion?

Ok, yes, she was really rude. But(!) she’s just moved from her home of 50 years which is one hell of an upheaval. Leaving the safety of those walls, where she brought up her family and all those memories….is she widowed?…that would add to the emotional upset. My Mum moved in similar circs - she is so kind the majority of the time but she went through a banshee stage at this time…

And two days before Christmas is the last time I want someone poking around in my fridge!
Is that because you're filling the fridge with Christmas things though? She probably wasn't doing that seeing as she's going away.

Usually I’m all for a kicking off MIL thread but moving in advanced years especially if reluctant can actually kill off some people so I would actually be a bit more understanding.

She was rude but likely stressed and struggling to get rid of her hoard the prospect of new things overwhelmed her.

So maybe theres a bit, she was rude and its reasonable to be upset but I dont think she meant to upset anyone. (Unless theres history of rudeness)

She sounds like she is struggling a little bit with all the upheaval so maybe worth a bit of latitude.

The bonus is you now have an extra hamper of cheese to eat.

Your MIL was rude but I can understand her frame of mind slightly. I moved home before Christmas once and had the sudden shock of realising just how much STUFF we had. As Christmas approached with a toddler and newborn I was just so upset and sometimes angry thinking about all the additional stuff we would end up with. I did manage to hide it from people but I was honestly so angry internally sometimes. My thinking got twisted and I convinced myself people were being selfish buying gifts so they felt good as the giver and poor old me was left with loads of new shite and tat.

if you normally had a nice relationship with her I’d say to give her some slack but tbf if she’s usually horrible maybe not. I was probably in the same headspace as your MiL back then but had the good grace to hide it and knew i was the one in the wrong.

It seems likely that she's not thinking especially clearly at this time in her life, though, with so much going on. You're right that it's not an excuse to be rude, but sometimes it's more about reasons than excuses imo.

I'd be quite excited at the thought of a fresh basket of cheese, chutneys and crackers for myself as what else can you reasonably do?

I agree with this. She really sounds like she is not coping with all the change.

On the face of it, she was extremely rude, but I suspect there is a lot more at play here.

My mum has become aggressive and rude with it, too.

On the surface sounds very rude especially as it was a handmade hamper.

I struggle with day to day organising and de cluttering, I really try and semi succeed but it feels like treading water to me and I get very overwhelmed, we also live in a cottage so storage can be an issue. I have had so many issues with relatives especially parents overstepping boundaries when I directly ask them not to bring gifts. To me it’s not nice, I only see inconvenience, extra work and clutter. No amount of communicating this has completely stopped them from doing what THEY want.

I can see both sides

She sounds a lot like my late MIL. Couldn't say thank you for a present, or even acknowledge them except to make a rude remark. She was also a hoarder and hated change. And had a very strained relationship with her son.

I'm not trying to be an armchair psychologist but would say if your MIL has any other personality quirks it might be worth looking at the general pattern and seeing if they may add up to her being ND. My MIL, we're as certain as you can be without a formal diagnosis, had Asperger's. I'm not saying people with Asperger's are rude, I'm just saying that it can lead to difficulties in social niceties and definitely to a hatred of change and issues with executive function (hence hoarding).

If you conclude similarly it might help you to let her behaviour wash over you.

I agree, it sounds like a stress reaction from my hoarder mum. I do think if food hoarding hasn’t been an issue then DH had a great gift idea.

OP - if DH is open to trying again next year or mother's day he can ask again if a food gift is okay. My mum also likes flowers or seasonal planters which he could also make disposing of it part of the gift. She also might never want gifts again, and be losing her ability to cope with a surprise visit.

But for now just support dh

She's probably feeling pretty unsteady and vulnerable and panicked right now, if she's had to leave her home, downsize AND throw out a lot of her 'things' to boot. This refusal of your gift is not hostile in any way - it's her saying 'I am really angry and hurt and scared and panicking about this entirely new life I've to start,a nd I'm don't know how to verbalise my pain, so I'm going to show you by refusing an act of love'. Go back in a week or so and you may well get a different reaction...