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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL refused our gift

246 replies

Hohummumbum · 23/12/2025 08:25

MIL has just moved, selling the family home she has lived in for 50 years and downsizing to newly built lodge, she has found this quite stressful understandably especially as she is a bit of a hoarder who does not like change.

DH has a strained relationship with his mum but he made her up a little hamper of fancy cheese, crackers and chutney, thinking if she couldn’t be bothered to cook it would be nice and also as she is going away for Christmas, she could have it when she came home as she would probably feel tired after travelling.

So we took the gift round yesterday to wish her merry Christmas before she went away, we hadn’t even got through the door before she said quite abruptly that she didn’t want any gifts, she had too much to deal with and we needed to take it away, she hadn’t looked at what the gift was or expressed any thanks just repeated she didn’t have space and didn’t want it, DH offered to just put it in the fridge but she said no and to take it away.

We left soon after as the atmosphere was tense, DH saying why did he bother and it just feels it has caused more strain in their relationship.

AIBU to feel upset on DH’s behalf or should we be more understanding of the stress MIL has been under?

OP posts:
Floatlikeafeather2 · 23/12/2025 09:30

redskydelight · 23/12/2025 09:12

You mention the relationship is strained, so I am guessing this is not out of character.

However, I on the basis that she's just moved house, clearly has too much stuff, and is about to go away for Christmas, it doesn't sound like a particularly well thought out gift. If that had been me I would have been polite, but then silently cursed you after I'd gone as it was one more thing to deal with. I suspect it falls into the category of gifts that the giver thinks were thoughtful, but the recipient didn't.

On the contrary, it's a very well thought out gift, for all the reasons the OP stated. It's not like they gave her a massive coffee table or a life size statue of a labrador. It was cheese and crackers which, hey presto!, disappear when you eat them. She was very rude. Stress is not a get out card, though a lot of people on here seem to use it as an excuse for bad behaviour. It was a slap in the face for OP's husband and seems calculated to hurt, as she almost met them at the door, already waving it and them away.

verycloakanddaggers · 23/12/2025 09:32

Floatlikeafeather2 · 23/12/2025 09:30

On the contrary, it's a very well thought out gift, for all the reasons the OP stated. It's not like they gave her a massive coffee table or a life size statue of a labrador. It was cheese and crackers which, hey presto!, disappear when you eat them. She was very rude. Stress is not a get out card, though a lot of people on here seem to use it as an excuse for bad behaviour. It was a slap in the face for OP's husband and seems calculated to hurt, as she almost met them at the door, already waving it and them away.

Show quote history

She didn't know what the gift was, because she couldn't face a gift at all.

She sounds disregulated and stressed, so avoidant.

IForgotTheApricotJam · 23/12/2025 09:34

From reading your last post she sounds quite selfish expecting you to drop everything and help all the time, but not respecting that you have your own lives.
It was very rude and I just wouldn't bother going out of my way to do her any more favours..

Sassylovesbooks · 23/12/2025 09:35

Stress or not, your MIL was extremely rude. If the shoe were on the other foot, and your husband had spoken to her in that manner, I'm sure she'd be upset. Your husband gave his Mum a thoughtful gift, he's not responsible for her attitude, that's solely on her.

Ponoka7 · 23/12/2025 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fuck off with the ageism and it is ageism unless you often use other protected characteristics, nasty black woman, nasty muslim woman etc etc.
There's a lack of understanding about hoarding, it's a MH issue. Once something has been accepted without prior thought, it opens the floodgates (in the hoarders mind). Re the £5, hoarders convince themselves that their stuff is wanted/valuable etc, part of being able to let go was that £5. I think read up on hoarding and try to understand why anything unplanned is stressful. If she didn't want it, she still wouldn't have been able to throw or give it away, because of the value placed on it. This is hopefully a new start for her.

Screamingabdabz · 23/12/2025 09:37

Sassylovesbooks · 23/12/2025 09:35

Stress or not, your MIL was extremely rude. If the shoe were on the other foot, and your husband had spoken to her in that manner, I'm sure she'd be upset. Your husband gave his Mum a thoughtful gift, he's not responsible for her attitude, that's solely on her.

It’s not a thoughtful gift - it’s pretty generic and impersonal. And she wasn’t rude, just overwhelmed.

SillyNavyTiger · 23/12/2025 09:39

she could have it when she came home as she would probably feel tired after travelling.

from her son, who knows her and what she likes!
Everybody gets stressed and overwhelmed, no excuse for being as childish and attention-seeking as she is.

The OP and her DH are too kind , running around to satisfy the little Madam. She's overwhelmed and want quiet? Give it to her. Ignore her and let her be alone. She won't stop calling requesting help and favours is she?

2chocolateoranges · 23/12/2025 09:43

Is she always this rude and uncaring.

id be taking a step back.

Topseyt123 · 23/12/2025 09:44

I'm afraid my understanding and tolerance for this wouldn't extend beyond a text saying "sorry you didn't like or want our gift of expensive artisan cheeses and crackers. We'll enjoy them ourselves over Christmas and won't be buying you anything else, as you have made abundantly clear."

Yes, I guess that could be considered passive aggressive, but that would be fine with me. I had years of a MIL who could be surly and rude/childish about gifts if they didn't meet her exacting expectations and learned to block it out any way I could. She wasn't quite as bad as OP describes, but it still left you wondering why on earth you even bothered.

For those pointing out that she probably has no room for gifts, I would guess that that was why she was bought the lovely cheeses and biscuits. Once eaten there is nothing left to store and so it ends up taking up no space or an ever diminishing amount of it.

It was a thoughtful gift and she is a very rude woman, stressed or not. Enjoy the cheeses yourselves now and don't be tempted to try and get her anything else (almost certainly too late now anyway).

NormasArse · 23/12/2025 09:46

JingleMyBellsChristmasSmells · 23/12/2025 08:56

Very rude.
You mentioned she was/is a bit of a hoarder so she will be a rather selfish person which I suspect will have something to do with the strained relationship? Their hoard comes above all else and if she has 'lost' her treasures in the move she will be frantic, that shiny new lodge will be full of crap within weeks and she will be back on an even keel.
Both you and your husband need to create mental distance from her, she won't change.

Wow.

HectorPlasm · 23/12/2025 09:46

Right, apologies first, I shouldn't have made the dementia comment quite so glibly and I do have some experience of it - so sorry again. However, some people are just nasty - that's the point I was trying to make albeit a bit clumsily.

Also - cheese? Amazing gift - I would love that

mamajong · 23/12/2025 09:48

On the face of it very rude, but given the circumstances sounds like a woman in an extremely tough situation possibly with mental health issues. Only you know if this is out of character, base it on that.

Coffeeishot · 23/12/2025 09:48

She sounds overwhelmed and not a particularly polite woman. Most people manage to.keep it in and accept gifts graciously. Your poor husband he must be exhausted and sad about how she is.

Topseyt123 · 23/12/2025 09:50

Screamingabdabz · 23/12/2025 09:37

It’s not a thoughtful gift - it’s pretty generic and impersonal. And she wasn’t rude, just overwhelmed.

Show quote history

It's a very thoughtful gift, and yes, she was very rude and hurtful. Being overwhelmed is not an excuse. She could have taken a little time to even enjoy a few bits of the cheeses with her son and OP during their visit.

I would enjoy a gift like that and wouldn't find it generic at all.

IsawwhatIsaw · 23/12/2025 09:50

It was a kind gift but the timing was wrong. She sounds absolutely overwhelmed .
my DM behaved the same way when I gave her some presents- flustered and upset. It was too much and she couldn’t deal with it. I just took them home.

i can understand it felt rude- after all she rejected a gift. But I’d try to see this as a woman not coping. You say she is a hoarder

Redburnett · 23/12/2025 09:54

Taking a food gift when you know someone is going away for Christmas is a bit strange. And a cheese and chutney gift is possibly one of the least thoughtful gifts ever.

manicpixieschemegirl · 23/12/2025 09:54

I absolutely was thoughtful!

DH has a strained relationship with his mum but he made her up a little hamper of fancy cheese, crackers and chutney, thinking if she couldn’t be bothered to cook it would be nice and also as she is going away for Christmas, she could have it when she came home as she would probably feel tired after travelling.

She was extremely rude and from your other posts, this is probably just the tip of the iceberg. MIL is going through a stressful time (and obviously has other issues) but I don’t imagine your DH would’ve had a great childhood, so it’s commendable that he he’s as thoughtful and supportive as he is.

If I were you I’d back off for now as nothing your DH does will ever satisfy her. Enjoy the hamper yourselves and have a lovely Christmas.

Seeingadistance · 23/12/2025 10:08

BIossomtoes · 23/12/2025 08:43

She’s massively stressed. Moved home after 50 years, sorted out years of hoarding, trying to settle into a new place just before Christmas. How much practical and moral support has her son offered throughout all this? Maybe cut her some slack and reflect on how hard this process has been for her.

I agree with this, and with the other poster who said she sounds like she's at the end of her tether, having gone through a huge amount of change this year. It all sounds quite traumatic for her, tbh.

TorroFerney · 23/12/2025 10:10

NextDG · 23/12/2025 08:31

Honestly it sounds as if she wasn't really up to engaging with the gift. MH issues (as a hoarder) + moving house for the first time i.n 50 years- that's a lot and I can well imagine that she felt a bit beyond social niceties. Did she know you were coming round?

It's a shame because it was obviously kindly meant. In your husband's position I would not let this damage the relationship further and I'd try again another day

Agree with your first paragraph, my mums like this , really emotionally immature so last Mother’s Day child and I took presents round, she had a cold so felt rough but that meant that overrode everything so she ignored the presents and was just bloody I welcoming to her only grandchild. Someone with more emotional maturity would say sorry I’m poor company, thanks for the presents .

I think though husband needs to protect his mental health if they don’t usually have a good relationship, match her energy is a trotted out phrase but it’s true. Is he he fawning to try and please her?

TorroFerney · 23/12/2025 10:12

senua · 23/12/2025 08:59

Maybe send a text along the lines of "sorry that you were upset by our gift". Then leave the ball in her court.

It seems a short-sighted reaction from someone who will probably want help with the move / settling in.

Why are they sorry? That suggests in some way the husband caused his mum to react like that. He’s not that powerful to be able to control his mums behaviour she did that herself.

EscapadeVelocity · 23/12/2025 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Repeating deleted post

This.

And some of you should be ashamed of the language you use to attack a woman obviously going through an absolutely horrendous time.

Spirallingdownwards · 23/12/2025 10:20

She didn't even know it was cheese though did she? To her it was just a big parcel. She was probably overwhelmed. Did she instigate the downsizing or was there pressure on her to do so.

I suspect she is confused/upset by the insistence for her to get rid of her stuff for her son then to turn up with "stuff".

Yes she was abrupt/rude in her delivery but I suspect she is struggling with the change after all that time in one house.

Lilacblu · 23/12/2025 10:20

I think your husband was really kind and thought full and his mum is being rude and completely caught up in herself but I doubt she will see this.. I don't see a solution but I might text her to say thinking of you... these cheese and crackers we bought round to you are delish!! Such a shame you didn't want them... 😁👍😉👋

SwansOnTheLake · 23/12/2025 10:20

She was very rude.

How old is she? I'm thinking if she is well into her 80s she is overwhelmed but it's still rude.

However, on the other hand, you seem to make a big deal in some of your posts about a 30 minute drive- as if it's a long way. It's literally round the corner compared to some people's journeys.

My in laws and my parents are a 5 hour drive away.

Try dealing with that as they get older!

RainbowBagels · 23/12/2025 10:21

CosyMintFish · 23/12/2025 08:30

Maybe both - it’s completely reasonable to feel upset on behalf of your DH, as that sounds pretty bruising. But your MIL sounds lonely and unsettled. No excuse for behaving rudely, but everyone might be happier in the long run if you can respond in a way which removes stress rather than adds to it.

I think what OP's DH did was literally supposed to 'remove stress'. It was a present that wouldn't clutter up the house for a long time as it was food and would be something he thought she could eat when she came home from holiday so wouldn't have to cook. As someone with a DM who used to literally offer peoples presents to other people in front of them, its an absolute nightmare getting presents for people who seem to be habitually unappreciative for whatever reason. I used to get so stressed second guessing what to get her, overthinking it, bracing myself for her handing whatever I got for her to my SIL or straight back to me (although sometimes id buy something Id like knowing shed hand it straight back!) etc. My children have been a godsend in this respect because I just get her the same thing every year- a calendar of pictures of them which she expects every year and keeps!