MIL refused our gift

[Hohummumbum]

MIL has just moved, selling the family home she has lived in for 50 years and downsizing to newly built lodge, she has found this quite stressful understandably especially as she is a bit of a hoarder who does not like change.

DH has a strained relationship with his mum but he made her up a little hamper of fancy cheese, crackers and chutney, thinking if she couldn’t be bothered to cook it would be nice and also as she is going away for Christmas, she could have it when she came home as she would probably feel tired after travelling.

So we took the gift round yesterday to wish her merry Christmas before she went away, we hadn’t even got through the door before she said quite abruptly that she didn’t want any gifts, she had too much to deal with and we needed to take it away, she hadn’t looked at what the gift was or expressed any thanks just repeated she didn’t have space and didn’t want it, DH offered to just put it in the fridge but she said no and to take it away.

We left soon after as the atmosphere was tense, DH saying why did he bother and it just feels it has caused more strain in their relationship.

AIBU to feel upset on DH’s behalf or should we be more understanding of the stress MIL has been under?

This must be a first - an MN thread taking the side of a horrible MIL.

She sounds a bundle of joy! Don’t let it affect you, enjoy the hamper yourselves or regift to someone more appreciative, Putin perhaps, or Trump 😵

It's a hamper. Can I recycle it? Would a charity shop take it? Should I keep it in case I can refill it for another gift? Do I need it for storage? And what about the chutney jars? Can they be washed out and kept for reuse? What if I can't eat it all in time? Do I have to live on cheese and crackers for a whole day? Are crackers OK in the fridge with the cheese or will they spoil? Should I separate it all out and store it separately? My fridge was clear - it felt a bit like a new start for me, and I can't bear to fill it up.

Besides all that, they didn't get that far. She didn't know what it was. Turning up with unidentified stuff to a hoarder was insensitive.

Don't take her rudeness to heart.

She was out of line but extremely tired.
Her behaviour totally reflected on her stressed demeanour not on any offence you had caused.

Enjoy the nibbles. Share them with her when next she visits.

People who are very stressed, people with MH issues, older people with hoarding tendencies who have just moved house after 50 years...

Something like three quarters of hoarders have other MH conditions, and many people who hoard do so as a response to difficulties encountered in life.

Trying to be nice about this as it was rude, but if she was a hoarder hoarding is a mental illness. She will have had a rough time as everything was ripped away from her, moving is stressful anyway and maybe it all got too much

still no need for the rudeness though

i would just text along the lines off sorry you didn’t want our present and leave it at that andwait for her to contact you

Turning up with unidentified stuff to a hoarder was insensitive.
You do know it's Christmas, don't you?

If they had a good relationship it would probably be a roll eyes, take the gift back, recognise that she's stressed & have a laugh about it situation.

They don't though & she has form.

It's obvious that no matter what you and your DH do, she won't be grateful or satisfied. I feel very sorry for your DH and I would imagine that he didn't have a great childhood with such a self-centred mother.

Take a big step back from her. You and your DH have done the very best you can to help her with the move so you have nothing to feel guilty for. I'd probably put £5 in an envelope to make up for the £5 voucher for recycling the old PC so she can't bad mouth you to other family members and then I'd be done with her.

Why the comment? Do you have experience of a close relative with dementia who undergoes a personality change? It’s not exactly a rare symptom so of course it needs to be considered in the elderly.

I don't think it was rude - well not intentionally.

She was clear she could not deal with a gift at that time... she must be going through a lot to not be able to handle some lovely cheese. But that is where she is... it's not a reflection of you, your DH or your thoughtfulness.

It's just a reflection that sometimes... it's all a bit too much for some of us.

If you've just moved house, to somewhere smaller and you are a hoarder, you need to find somewhere to put it.
You are about to go away for Christmas but someone gives you perishable food, so you then have to factor it into future meal plans so it's not wasted. Cheese and crackers aren't a full meal but still take up space.

Does she even have a working fridge? Is she still cleaning the house after moving in?

(I admit I find cheese overrated, so would find this an annoying gift at the best of times, as I'd probably not like half the cheese).

Eat the cheese and don't buy her anything next year.

She sounds totally overwhelmed and unable to deal with anything else at the moment. Why make it all about you? I'd say you sound less than understanding and probably blind to the trauma moving has caused.

From reading all your posts, she would have had a go at you if you hadn't taken a gift, too.

Yes, often an extremely difficult time to hoarders. That makes it worse, not better.

You do know that people can't switch off their MH problems just because it is Christmas, don't you?

Anyone who refuses cheese is already unreasonable and we can all agree on that @Hohummumbum. Even my hardcore vegan friends and family miss a good aged Brie.

My late grandmother was dreadful to buy for despite saying “oh Im so easy to buy for, I love everything!” she would hate everything to the point of saying “oh no” under her breath when opening thoughtful gifts,like she was reading the autopsy of jack the rippers victims she was so bloody dramatic. (Then you’d get a call in January asking you if you’d left your purse or something which was the gift you’d bought her.)
It was always very uncomfortable so one year I thought that I would make her a hamper and she cried with what she felt was a waste of money because she already had in food, tins of soup etc, very frugal woman, and the hamper I made of cheeses, chutneys from garden centres, mini stollens and fruit cakes and boxes of crackers just annoyed her because had she wanted them, she’d have bought them herself. She did keep the posh French butter and some coffee beans/teas bags. I wonder looking back was she suffering with stomach problems which she didn’t want to discuss but maybe Christmas food was far too rich for her as she was elderly? Maybe the same with your MiL?
My grandma hated clutter so not a hoarder but as a child I saved for months to buy her a Hummel figurine to go with a collection she had but being a child the one I bought her was a obvious knock off, but because I’d bought it she put it out when I was visiting but removed it when anyone else was there 😂

She was rude. Let her get on with it.

Why on earth is a hamper of cheese a ‘thoughtful’ gift for someone who has just moved to a smaller property and clearly stressed at sorting it all out? And apparently she’s going away! Is all the cheese going to be in date? I think that’s an utterly weird thing to give in this situation. I don’t think she’s rude or an ‘old cow’ (lovely sexist and ageist language there). She’s obviously overwhelmed and you, and all the other nasty posters, seem to have not a shred of empathy for the person who is clearly quite vulnerable.

Is she really a hoarder or just someone of an older generation who accumulated a lot of possessions before decluttering became trendy?

You just need to grey rock her. She's unpleasant to you - don't do her any more favours.

I thought MN loved a “boundary” .. or maybe it’s just older women who are Bitches, Selfish and Drama Queens when they set one.

The language posters are using towards this woman is abhorrent, and filled with misogynist tropes.

She didn’t want anymore unasked for, and unnecessary things in her house, probably to manage her hoarding tendency.

It was rude but she does sound completely overwhelmed.

How old is she?

Given that she has been a hoarder, it sounds as though this is a mental health problem. If she is older it might be related to dementia, as loss of social filter can be a symptom.