Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

[Lisawr]

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

Agreed.

The line that a neighbour of ours used when he left his wife and three children for a man was "I never had a chance to dance..."

Poor wee soul.

So OP, they fell out a month ago and it turned nasty, do you know why it ended? My question would be if they hadn't fell out then how long did DH intend for the affair to last - it was an affair, not a drunken one night fling out of sexual curiosity. To say that it was just physical makes no sense as most relationships, affairs one night stands, casual flings, may start off as physical attraction, then go on to be regular physical interactions. Some lead to deeper feelings and end up in a committed relationship or marriage, some run their course and end, some who may be married or in a long term relationship get found out as in your and your husbands situation, If the bloke was that bad looking your DH would probably not have been interested, but he may have been interested in another gay/bi man who he found physically attractive or does he know the man from work or the pub and finds him intellectually stimulating. You will never know and unless you intend to try and repair your broken relationship, it may be better to stay ignorant. Some people have affairs because they find something missing in their relationship and some are just serial cheaters. Before you make any long term decisions you need to ask yourself whether you are so digusted by his betrayal that divorce is the only answer, you want your husband back as in a proper relationship, just to co-parent your dc until you have consulted a Solicitor, and maybe shared your situation with a friend or relative to get another view. I would imagine at the moment you feel shellshocked as it is hard dealing with infidelity let alone to discover that it is with another man and at this point you still don't know if this was the first homosexual encounter or whether your husband is bi or actually gay and his/your marriage is a front. Depending on what sort of outcome you truly want, will depend on what you need to know or what you want to know. Good luck for the future OP whatever you choose to do.

:( God that's so sad. So sick of women being expected to be sympathetic to lying arseholes. Honestly, sick of the ones who do it too at this point. I do hope OP has the backbone to tell him to fuck off to the moon with his snivelling self pity.

Good advice.

@Alwaysalert I don't think OP needs to tease out the exact nature of her husband's sexuality or the frequency with which he engaged in gay sex with apparently near random strangers. She considers the marriage is over and who can blame her for this view. I do think it matters that it was another man in this case . It's one thing to give a person another chance - but if her husband was prepared to risk everything for a physical fling with a man, I'd be thinking a woman may not even be his preferred partner. That is a major problem if he is married to a woman.

I mean, he's a cheating, lying scumbag who wasn't even honest about the fact that he fancies men. There's really nothing to discuss now, she just needs to get her legal affairs in order, obviously get herself checked for diseases as all cheating lying scumbags are a health hazard, and try to minimise any contact she ever has to have with him in the future as much as possible.

Personally, I would compartmentalise and let him stay for Christmas, for the kids.

Im sure Senator Linsey Graham would take him in

He could stay at the YMCA

They're going to have to find out soon anyway and I'm not sure why it's OK for your Christmas to be ruined and not his parents'.

Not your fucking issue. They should be alarmed. He’s destroyed your marriage to fuck a man. He’s broken your family up. He needs no sympathy from you OP, he’s already broken your heart. None of this is your fault and your children will have a much happier Christmas with just you than the awful atmosphere if he comes and will probably make you cry. I wouldn’t be able to handle having him there. I am so sorry he’s done this.

For the kids?! Those same kids deserve a nice day with their mum who is dealing with enough shit as it is. Why should she have to be around him? She will be better able to compartmentalize if he’s not there!

Op you’re a kind caring person. Those traits make you vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Not letting him stay doesn’t ruin the kids Christmas, it ruins his Christmas and that’s all he’s thinking about. He had plans to tell you after his nice Christmas. You finding out sooner has ruined that for him. Nevermind him breaking your heart and destroying your family, aslong as he has a nice time. When your kids are older will they look back at this Christmas and blame you for not inviting him to stay or will they understand and place the blame where it belongs, with him. You need to put yourself first because noone else will, you matter too

Not read the full thread but get tested for STDs.

I have walked the mile in your shoes. Your DH is gay or bi at best. It wasn’t an experiment or just physical and if it wasn’t with this man it would have been with another man. He will do it again with other men. He is not your problem anymore and this is not your issue to sort out. And that’s your line - if you don’t want him there don’t have him there, but it is not your job to sort out or provide his accommodation for him. If he can run a clandestine affair for a year he can find somewhere to stay.

I'm American, and unfortunately I'm familiar with the detestable Mr. Graham, but I feel like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle. Please explain; I'd be very grateful. 😉

Everybody knows hes a closet homosexual. Nothing wrong with being gay, just the fact hes a hypocrite

That's not young. I'd have lost any sympathy I had given this reply and him apparently blowing up many lives just for sex.
Don't protect him.

It's his house too. Sucks, but not much you can do if he's adamant.

He was never going to tell you unless forced to. Has he been having unprotected sex? Where is the bf and have there been casual/random shags? Travelodge for him. It's a problem of his making that impacts everyone. Sad that he has to hide being gay but he is out now and accept the responsibilities to his family and his bf

So he gives a shit about what his parents will think of him but is happy to have an affair behind your back regardless of what you might think of him?

He needs to suck it up and tell his parents so he can stay in their house. It’s time for him to be honest with people.

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. It’s awful. 💐

Don’t let this man disturb your peace OP. He’s currently out of the house, let him stay there. Every time he comes back in you have to go through it all again. Rip the plaster off. He has somewhere to go (his parents’ house), he just doesn’t want to go there because he doesn’t want to come clean. He knows he will be judged (quite rightly). He wants to keep up the pretence of being a family man. Stuff that. This is not your shit show; it’s entirely his.

He’s made his choices. Now he has to live with the consequences and stop living a lie once and for all.

Hoseasons are doing very cheap stays for this week as it’s now last minute. He can get a lodge/caravan somewhere. Don’t have him at your house I’ve been in your position and it was horrendous.

But he doesn’t mind alarming you?

We women are expected to be nice all the time. Try to find the inner bitch that resides deep inside you. Allow him to have Xmas lunch if you can tolerate it then tell him to head off. He must find a hotel. If he is not still with the OM he was never going to g to tell you. Fuck him.

Having been through the exact same thing I will tell you if he is worried about his family finding out, and the affair turned nasty and he's already lying about the lying ie he's not being honest this is someone you will need to have very clear boundaries from the start of this unravelling.

He cannot stay
He has to stay at his parents and tell them he's left you- or admit the affiair
or he can stay in a hotel and needs to sort his shit out. Not you. He's done this. If it's a physical thing - he wanted a shag and didn't care about the consequences.

This is not on you. Never mind he's gay which is a double whammy -if he's moved out ie now over Christmas then that means you are already in a position of strength when you decide to fomalise things - don't do what I did and try and work things out for a year when all it did was fuck around with my head.

He has shown you he's not thought this through- this is your first warning to get ahead of him and prioritse you and the children. Forget Christmas memories and don't want to spoil Christmas - Even if you're an emotional wreck at least you won't have the catalysts walking around on Christmas morning playing happy families.

I would also get yourself checked out for STD and book yourself in with a counsellor.
The double lies and the deceit will unravel more and it's gut wrenching.
I am so sorry you're going through this - If need be as raw as it is if there is a friend IRL you can turn to - even if you don't want to admit the gay part- and that is also ok so you can process it - then maybe reach out although this side of Christmas you might want to bunker down and just try and get through the next few days xxx