Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

[Lisawr]

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

And his answer to that was an affair?
Not sitting down to have a discussion with you as two grown ups in a loving relationship. An affair...
And now he is trying to justify it by saying it didn't mean anything and he didn't have time to experiment. As is this makes the betrayal any better! That's a classic example of a man not taking any accountability.

In hope you gave him an earful.

He’s playing you, pulling strings.
He was going to tell you (course he was!)
It was purely physical (yeah right)
He was just experimenting (erm, nope)
Hes got nowhere else to go (he has, this is just easier for him..)

Turn it round on him. Tell him you’re reeling, totally repulsed by his actions and disgusted at him. Tell him you’re only just managing to put one foot in front of the other and hold it together for the kids. Tell him that living in the same house as him will be unbearable. Tell him you need him to stay away until you’ve got your head around things. Tell him he owes you that after he’s blown the family apart. Keep phrasing everything with a “because of what you did” and keep turning the guilt key, because guilt won’t last long, and he’ll be going down the “it’s my house” route soon. Put pressure on while you can. Tell him he needs to tell his parents because the marriage is over (…because of what he did). Tell him you won’t be hiding it from people.

I am so sorry you're going through this. You and your children really need some space in order to process this.
He's an absolute wanker. He made the choice to cheat and deceive you, now he will have to deal with the fallout.

This. Learn this phrase off by heart and be a broken record. You don't need to think about what to say (and your mind will be busy enough as it is), so just say this.

What an awful situation I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
It's easy to give opinions when you aren't in the situation and it's even worse when it's such a shock and naturally, you don't fall out of love with your husband in that split second of finding out, you're still thinking of how he feels over Christmas because it hasn't sunk in yet for you. I think once it hits you, you'll hate him for what he's done..
I think my thoughts are that your husband didn't give a single shit about your kids when he was having this affair. He hasn't made a drunken mistake, he's carried this on for a full year and conveniently was going to tell you after Christmas after you already found out? Coming home to you and your children but not feeling enough guilt to end it with either you or the other man? Honestly, you shouldn't give a f**k where he is at Christmas, your children are young, the excitement of Christmas will very quickly make them forget their dad is 'working'. Then by next Christmas, you'll have already done one without him and it won't feel so tough. Start their Christmas memories as they're going to be going forward. If they're young they won't remember a time of him being there at Christmas. Kids are so resilient, a lot more than adults. They don't have that 'Christmas is family time' feeling like we do, they probably won't think of him at all amongst all the excitement!
However, if it's more for you and not your kids then just do what you need to do to get through it and face it afterwards.
The one thing you absolutely DON'T do is have him there for 'him'. He doesn't deserve a scrap of compassion from you. You owe him nothing, just like he felt he owed nothing to you and your kids for the last year.
whatever you do I hope you find some happiness where you can this year and remember that however you feel now, next year at this time you will be so much further in your healing journey xx

So rather than tell you he needed space to experiment and find himself he decided to have a full blown affair with a man behind your back and the only reason you know about it at all is because it went sour and the other guy’s wife told you?

With respect if this hadn’t went sour it could have went on for years. And for all you know there were other men before this one. You have no reason to trust him and he has shown you absolutely zero respect. He isn’t even taking accountability for how he has treat you - he is only trying to reason his choices.

No, he can find his own place to stay through Christmas. The kids will have a much better time if you’re not tense and upset in his presence. When they’re older he can explain that it was his fault he wasn’t there. Because it is. He made his bed when he shagged a man in it behind your back.

He doesn't want to go to his parents, because he doesn't want them to find out he's been shagging a man.

He wants you to provide free childcare, housework and play happy families and sleep with men behind your back.

This will continue OP. Don't waste your youth on this man. He will eventually accept his sexuality and up and leave you when the kids are grown.

You deserve more than this.

Oh and he's put your health at risk by having sexual relations with another person. Get a full STI screening.

He can stay in a hotel/air B n B. It’s not your problem. Definitely don’t let him back. Vile man.

It is not your problem. He is making excuses not to stay in parents house
He is manipulating you.
Be generous and invite him for Xmas lunch making it clear it is for children.

Flip OP this is so sad to read, so sorry its happening to you. What an awful man, all the lying and deceit, not to mention risking your health.
I hope you and your kids get through Xmas OK x

Ah the old for the kids sake. Shame he didn't think about that when he was cheating on and betraying his family.

They will say anything to get what they want.

After all the posts you've had mainly about his doings mines included.
I'd like to say ,sorry you've had this bomb dropped on yours and your children's lives and I hope you have real life support you can talk to.
Wishing you all the best.

OP you’re at the beginning of a very hard and very long road. When I was in a similar situation to you my therapist told me I could either go around it or I could go through it but either way I’d have to deal with it however hard. I tried to go around it (denial!). It didn’t work long term. By all means try to go around it for Christmas because well Christmas is tough. Post Christmas you have a shit show to manage but you will get by and get out and thrive. Get by for the next week or so and then don’t be a mug. Wishing you well x

That's his problem. He's ruined your marriage and destroyed your peace, safety and your family.

Do NOT let him ruin your Christmas too.

"Sorry to hear that, hope you find a solution soon." And "We are no longer married, you chose to end our marriage by cheating, hope you get something sorted" and so on and so forth.

This.

Also, OP, please go to Chump Lady dot com. She's great at reframing the cheater's scripts and excuses properly.

Also it's great that he's out of the house. Keep him there. Once he slithers in again he will refuse to budge. You and your kids can have a lovely peaceful Christmas, without the cheating liar who chose to destroy his family.

Your feelings matter far, far more than his do. Don't ever do a single thing that makes you feel shittier to accomodate him. Your kids will be perfectly happy with the new normal as they are young. Get them used to it now.

Tell him to stay with his new man in a hotel as I'm sure his wife won't be happy (unless she knew he liked men as well)

Tell him they will be finding out anyway so he may as well tell them now and stay in their house. Very selfish of him to pull that move after all he's done. Pathetic really.

All the better, he can house sit

He shouldn't have settled down then if he still had experimenting to do. The cheeky fuck thinking this is any sort of excuse.

You don't deserve this, a loyal wife who obviously has a good heart to let him stay that 1st night and be considering this now. You don't need to pity him or make yourself suffer for his benefit. He has done you harm, he deserves to feel the consequences of that. Tell him he lost the right to sleep under the same roof as you and your DC from his own actions. Direct him to a travel lodge, give him a time slot to give the kids presents. I wouldn't be serving him a Christmas dinner either. He don't deserve that much

Nonsense.

Don’t let him stay for Christmas. Your children will be ok with you, you can jolly them along and make it lovely for them - but YOU matter too, and you don’t need to subject yourself to the sheer mental cruelty of having to play happy families with him when your world has just imploded. Unless you’re the world’s best actor, your kids are more likely to notice something is up if you try and go through with the family Christmas than if you just tell them he’s away and keep it low key.

I’m so sorry. You must be shellshocked.

Yep. Nonsense to the power of a million.

This isn’t your problem. He has got somewhere else to stay. I would tell him he absolutely can’t stay with me.