Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

[Lisawr]

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

And another thing the fact that he doesn't want to alarm his family what about you. You don't count at all. Listen this is a man who is very selfish and the situation is playing like a fog in your head, everything hasn't caught up yet, and the emotionality of Christmas is thrown in,
If this was any other time he would be gone. This is about prioritising your well being and mental health. If you want him for Christmas Lunch great if not its. on him. The realty is the family you thought you once had no longer exists - and that is so hard to hear and read- truth be told- you will create amazing and new memories - right now this is damage control for the immediate few weeks.

It is going to be hard so make the one area you can control - yours to control - he cannot stay - and for Christmas if you can't tolerate his face without wanting to shove a plateful for raw brusell sprouts down his throat - tell him he can come and take the kids for a walk on Christmas morning or after lunch- the reality of what co parenting might look like- shit for you but the reality of his actions has caused this.

@Lisawr his explanation/response is Absolutely ludicrous.

It's his fear talking. And fear is powerful.

He is pretending because he afraid of blowing up his life...not comprehending or caring for one second of course that yours is already blown to smithereens.

His parents house seems best choice . Doesnt want to alarm them ! It was OK for your whole world to ve turned upside down ! Well they're going to be alarmed sooner or later arent they ? Hiding this from his parents might've been the issue all along ? Tell him to get a grip .

The trouble is with people who have affairs / hide their sexuality is that they get used to lying. They create a whole web of lies which they justify to themselves by developing an alternate reality where the universe is giving them a hard time. This is all about not wanting to be accountable for their own poor choices and decision-making. This is not your circus OP. You’re not responsible for any of this and it’s not your issue to sort out.

Remember you are incredibly strong and you will get through this. Prioritise yourself and don’t let him zap your energy because he absolutely will. He will exhaust you. Keep him at arm’s length and protect yourself first and foremost.

His parents are going to find out sooner or later. Best he tells them now. What was he planning - a happy family Zoom call on Christmas Day?

He had sex with men because he is attracted to men. He is either bisexual or gay.

If you stay,you have to face that he has a sexual need you cannot meet.

Don’t let him come back in the house. He will never leave again.
His parents being upset is not your problem, tell them yourself and just be done with it. Their empty house is the perfect place for him to go.
He is gay and that won’t change. Has there been any signs?

was in a similar situation OP and at the time, my exP claimed the same - it was a physical relationship and he had no desire for a romantic connection with the man he was seeing (or any man). It’s a weird thing to say because it makes zero difference - he cheated and lied and betrayed you and honestly, it doesn’t matter whether there were ‘feelings’ or not.

As others have said, for your own sanity, it’s probably best he books himself into a hotel. Having to ‘play happy families’ in front of your kids will be too much to handle and it’s not fair to even ask you.

Hold on a minute . Whilst this is undoubtedly upsetting . It’s not actually your call where he stays ! If he is your husband then he jointly owns your home so you cannot prevent him from living in his own home !

Did she write gay?

So it's ok to trouble you but not them

I mean..... He's in denial if he thinks he's not going to have to tell everyone what's happened.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.
Where he goes, Where he stays and when he tells his parents aren't your problem to solve, and it's just tyical that he wants you to suck up the pain of his brief return to make his own life nicer.

Boundaries are your friend. Put them in place now, while you are still processing and it will make your life much easier in the short term.

How typical of a man having an affair 'he doesn't want to spoil Christmas' by telling you in a timely manner, doesn't want to tell his parents and upset them, blah, blah, blah. Did he never consider the upset he was going to cause sooner or later, wrecking his marriage and family? I would give him a bin bag of his clothes and tell him to FO. And TBH given the tendency for gay men to be promiscuous (rather than settle in long term relationship) I would write him out of DC's life as much as possible since if they are very young they will likely get over his absence quicker. A gay affair is the worst form of betrayal.

I think people get mixed up on here. Yes you have the moral high ground but that's it. The house and the kids are half his and it's not up to you how much he lives there or sees them. I'd be thinking carefully about the future you want. Do you want to be without your kids every other Xmas? Or do you want to be able to still spend time as a famlly despite the hurt he's caused you? I'm so sorry what's happened to you and the hurt you're feeling, but chucking him out of your life is simply not a feasible option. Consider what's least worst, from your perspective.

I’m so sorry, OP — this is an incredibly painful situation for you. It’s devastating when a partner’s choices upend not only your life but also the stability of your dc’s life. This wasn’t a one-off mistake or a moment of confusion; it was a series of choices that have had serious consequences.

Right now, it’s important to think strategically and to prioritise protecting your dc’s from adult issues they shouldn’t have to carry. Allowing him back in the house for Xmas risks extending the hurt, especially since his actions suggest this is an aspect of himself he will definitely continue exploring. There has been probably many more, despite his denials. Book an appointment for get your own sexual health checked.

For your own wellbeing, and for dc’s, it may be healthiest to let him take responsibility for the outcomes of his behaviour while you focus on creating a stable, safe environment not only for Christmas but also for ever.

This is a rubbish reason and they are going to find out sooner or later! Tell him to stay there and explain it to his parents however he likes. Jesus, what a baby. So sorry this has happened to you op but you sound amazingly strong to me.

I will go against the general tide of the replies and say "consider the long game". Assuming a divorce and a split of assets will follow, and contact arrangements for the kids etc., it might be more advantageous not to chuck him out or refuse him access to his home at this point.

However, that's easy for me to say and it certainly wasn't how I reacted when I found out about ex-DH's affair. But we had no children so no necessity for any further contact.

I would just text his parents a heads up that he's been having an affair, you've separated and he's staying in their house over Christmas until he finds somewhere to live. Then he'll have to get over 'not wanting to upset them'.

Can he stay in their home since they are away?

He didn't worry about upsetting his wife. What a horrible man.

That's actually his problem not yours

He can tell them your house is flooded for all you care - he was happy to lie to you so why not his parents?

He can book a hotel or stay at his parents house, or he could find some other friend to host him.

He got himself in this predicament and then its you looking for solutions, he needs to sort out his own shit

He doesn’t want to ring alarm bells for his parents? Oh, so you’re supposed to just sweep aside the fact that he’s cheated on you? With a man?
It’s not your problem where he stays and if he’s at yours and then leaves again, the children are going to get so confused.
He made his choices. He has to live by them.

If you jointly own your home or are joint tenants, he can, unfortunately live at the property. If push comes to shove, and he has no where else to go, then he is likely to move back in. You can't change the locks, because he has a right to live in the property. I absolutely understand why you don't want him there. How long are his parents away for? Can he actually access the property, in that he has a key? Does he have siblings he could stay with? Can he afford to stay at a Travelodge until his parents come home? I understand not wanting to upset his parents whilst they are away, especially as his Dad has health issues. However, his parents are going to have to find out the situation once they are home, and it's going to be a difficult one for them to hear. At the very least your husband is bisexual, and he is attracted to men - I don't know any straight men who would have sex with a man, so there's no point in him denying his sexuality. He could be gay, and has been lying to himself, only he knows the answer to that. If a person is attracted to the same sex, it can't be 'controlled' and he isn't going to 'stop' or 'move passed it'. He will want to have sex with men, end of. What is clear, you are unlikely to want to continue in the marriage, and therefore a divorce is on the horizon. Gather as much financial information as you can, and after Christmas see a good family solicitor. Make sure you get a STI tests as well, as you don't know if he's used contraception or if this person has been his only encounter. Sending you hugs. You will get through this, and come out the other side, it just doesn't feel lit it right now.

He started the "blame game" early!

His problem to sort, if he had any decency at all you wouldn't even know of his living problems.

He is selfishly putting this on you (along with caring for the kids/home etc) typical adulturer.

His parents HAVE A HOUSE and because he is worried about their feelings (shame he wasn't as worried about you and his children) he has decided not to stay there??
Crack on matey boy