Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

[Lisawr]

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

This.

I think a lucky break for you and the children. They will adapt more quickly and you can breathe easier. They should not be subject to faux happy families.

Not the ops responsibility. He makes his own choices and if his choices have led him to a dark place, then thats on him.

Absolutely - the first Rule of Misogyny: 'Women are responsible for what men do'.

He sounds horribly selfish. Move the money out yourself x

No, not suggesting blackmail at all. Why are you being so melodramatic?

You're kinder than I am. I'd just be worried that he might spend money from the joint account.

Where did I say it was OPs responsibility please?

Eh? She knows what’s happening! He’s been shagging a man and doesn’t want to see his kids over Christmas! Why does she need to sit down with him?

Why is the onus on women to be the reasonable mature one whilst the man fucks any moving thing and then flounces about trying to manipulate his way back in? Surely better to plan a nice Christmas alone with the kids whilst he checks himself into the closest hotel to a few gay clubs than get herself back involved in his psychodrama.

If you can I would take out half of the money in the joint account and move it over to a sole account, especially as you suspect he has been hiding money/using it to fund trips away etc

The other person's wife was brave to tell you and showed courage.
She must be suffering as well.
He is a coward to leave you with the children and explaining to them about why he is not present for them and getting their presents on Christmas Day.
But it is equally important to plan for the future and that means ensuring security for you and your children.
Right now getting Christmas out of the way first.
Create an alliance with the other woman she may be extremely helpful to you as you are both going through the same thing.
And look after you, self care is vital, your children need you.

Agree with this- move at least half the money into an account in your name.

I think he should call his kids on Christmas Day. I cannot imagine him missing out on that, whatever he has done he shouldn’t make them suffer more than necessary

I'm loving your list of places he can stay. 😂

Can I please add one?

The bin

Well thats not true at all. Bisexual people get married and stay faithful all the time.

It's a bit prejudiced to think bisexual people can't be faithful actually!

Pour all your energy into self care, and then creating a lovely day for your children.

And if you haven't already, pour half the contents of the joint account into your own account today. Refusing to tell you where he's going, planning two be several hours away from his children, and saying he won't be seeing the kids on Christmas day??? Let him pay for his mystery accommodation from his half.

Then get all the bills together and decide how much he is going to be paying to maintain your children's home.

Personally because I have a nasty streak I'd then message all family and friends with what he has done.

And make friends with the sidepiece's wife. She's probably the one person you (now) know who absolutely gets it. You may find talking it through with her will help you both form strategies for dealing with them.

I'd actually clear all of the money out of the joint account apply to close it and then bank transfer half of it back over to him. I'd type a text message to let him know as I was doing it, and ask to confirm the details of where it is to be sent. I'd say if I dont hear within 24hours I'll send it to xxxxxx and just set out whatever details you have for him as his main account. Take screenshots of each stage and then send them through once its done.

You could consider letting him visit for a short period, say, just for part of the day if you think it’s safe and won’t cause you emotional harm. Otherwise, it’s completely reasonable to say he can’t stay under the same roof. You can create a plan for fun family time that still makes Christmas feel normal for the kids

Can people stop with the detailed instructions about what to do with the joint bank account 🙄

He might get his salary paid directly into the joint account, or he might have a standing order set up to pay into it, and their joint bills like mortgage and council tax might come out of the joint account via direct debit. If they jointly own the house and have a joint mortgage, they will continue to be jointly and severally liable for the mortgage until they finalise the divorce and financial settlement, whether he's living there or not.

Emptying and closing the joint bank account may or may not be a good idea at this point. It depends on a lot of information that none of us have. The OP might not even have full information about his finances.

I’ve had a reply from the other women who has confirmed her H is staying at hers on Christmas Day. So my H isn’t going to be with him.

However she did add that her H has ‘revealed all’ in an attempt to win her trust back. And he said that they’d regularly meet up with other men, including couples, to ‘hook up’. So there’s every chance my H has made friends within that and is with one (or more) of them when he goes away.

I would suggest you get yourself STI tested OP (if you haven't arranged that already).
I'm so sorry.

OP, my heart is breaking for you, I'm so sorry x

Your DH is a pig and you need an STD check if hes been going to swinging parties.

Sounds like this isnt about him having feelings for someobe else this is about him clearly engaging with risky gay sex.

Im so sorry

I have arranged that. We’ve been intimate as recently as two weeks ago unfortunately. Thanks to everyone who has made the suggestion.

Is this dark place a room at one of his swinging parties? Given how he’s treat OP I doubt whatever guilt or sadness he feels at being caught doesn’t outweigh his need for personal satisfaction.

Oh my goodness. So he's not only been having an affair with a married man, but he's been 'swinging' too. You absolutely need to get full STI tests asap. You can't guarantee that he's been using condoms.

Yes, I agree It's likely he's staying with someone who he's met during these 'hook-ups'. The not calling the children on Christmas Day comment, isn't so they don't get confused, but rather the fact he doesn't want to be interrupted. Have you asked him what he's planning on telling the children?! Or is telling them going to be your responsibility because he's too much of a coward?!

With regards to other people, don't cover for him. Tell your own family/friends and if he has siblings tell them too. I know it's hard, but you've done nothing wrong, and going forward you are going to need family support.

I'm sorry to say, but this affair and numerous 'swinging' that he's taken part in, I feel is the tip of the iceberg. I rather suspect he's been indulging in sex with men for a long time. Unfortunately, I don't think you will ever find out the whole truth.