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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

434 replies

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:11

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

OP posts:
MyDeftDuck · 22/12/2025 12:17

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:25

He says he can’t as they’d question what’s going on and he doesn’t want to alarm them at the moment (given the time of year and that DFIL has health concerns)

Show quote history

He can’t tell his parents……but he can blow your world apart!?!?!

LouiseTopaz · 22/12/2025 12:26

His problem, he needs to stay at his parents and deal with the consequences

LouiseTopaz · 22/12/2025 12:27

He just needs somewhere to stay, an easy life rather than telling his parents and is using the kids as an excuse

Tontostitis · 22/12/2025 12:38

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:25

He says he can’t as they’d question what’s going on and he doesn’t want to alarm them at the moment (given the time of year and that DFIL has health concerns)

Show quote history

Sof that he made the mess he doesn't get to choose you to take the fallout to protect others. Travel lodge or his parents and I wouldn't invite him for lunch as the DC won't understand why he wasn't there when they woke up Ge can take them out in Boxing Day to his parents house or just fuck off to the far side of fuck. You no longer has to facilitate him and a clean break prioritises you and the children

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 22/12/2025 12:44

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 22:15

He has tried claiming that he has given it up. Said because we got together so young (not that young, about 25/26!) he didn’t have the chance to experiment before settling down.

Show quote history

What absolute horse shit. How dare he treat you like a fool.

Lndnmummy · 22/12/2025 12:48

I am so sorry OP, that sounds really tough. He is gay. Whether he admits to this or not. He might be bi sexual. Don't let him gas light you into thinking he is not.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 22/12/2025 12:48

Not your problem. He can go to a homeless shelter.

if you want to be nice he could come for a brief visit on Christmas morning but tell him he needs to leave be forever lunch.

DallasMinor · 22/12/2025 13:09

If he feels sorry for himself now, it’s going to be 10 times worse when the cheating toad wakes up alone in a Holiday Inn Express alone on Christmas Day.

Original poster
Lisawr · 22/12/2025 13:27

He has informed me this morning he has booked a few nights away (from tonight) and won’t be contactable at all, including on Christmas Day. He says speaking to the kids would confuse them. He hasn’t told me where he is going, other than it’s a couple of hours away.

I’ve checked our joint account and he hasn’t moved any money out in the past 24 hours either.

OP posts:
Hicupping · 22/12/2025 13:29

Any advice is way above my pay grade but I'm really sorry Op and I hope you and your children can still have a good Christmas.

VickyEadieofThigh · 22/12/2025 13:31

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 13:27

He has informed me this morning he has booked a few nights away (from tonight) and won’t be contactable at all, including on Christmas Day. He says speaking to the kids would confuse them. He hasn’t told me where he is going, other than it’s a couple of hours away.

I’ve checked our joint account and he hasn’t moved any money out in the past 24 hours either.

I'd put good money on him booking a stay in a very gay-friendly city...

Laura95167 · 22/12/2025 13:33

Lisawr · 21/12/2025 20:11

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

Your DH is throwing a full pity party.

His parents being there wouldnt stop him being there. And if hes worried about them finding out he shouldnt have done it.

Marriage is about picking one person. Many bisexual people are married and faithful. This isnt about whether he had a curiosity, he picked you and cheated. Blaming committing too young is a cop out.

And if the affair is "over", no way was he ever telling you. Saying it was just physical is hurtful and piggish too.. he threw your marriage away for a physical attraction and to experiment and think thats reassuring? Hes taking the mock

Where he goes for christmas isnt your problem. He betrayed you. Its a shame he has no where to go but thats the consequences of his choices. He can pay for a hotel, he can go to his parents (whether he tells them about his sexuality or not) he can stay with extended family. It doesnt matter where he stays.

thestudio · 22/12/2025 13:33

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 13:27

He has informed me this morning he has booked a few nights away (from tonight) and won’t be contactable at all, including on Christmas Day. He says speaking to the kids would confuse them. He hasn’t told me where he is going, other than it’s a couple of hours away.

I’ve checked our joint account and he hasn’t moved any money out in the past 24 hours either.

What a fucking low, cowardly, selfish shit he is.

Cottagegardendiary · 22/12/2025 13:34

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 13:27

He has informed me this morning he has booked a few nights away (from tonight) and won’t be contactable at all, including on Christmas Day. He says speaking to the kids would confuse them. He hasn’t told me where he is going, other than it’s a couple of hours away.

I’ve checked our joint account and he hasn’t moved any money out in the past 24 hours either.

How is he mentally? I'd be worried he might do something daft....

bridgetreilly · 22/12/2025 13:35

It doesn’t really matter what he wants, OP. You get to call the shots here. What do you want for you and the children. Do you want him staying overnight and pretending everything is fine on Christmas Day? Are you okay with him being there for a few hours? Would you prefer that he doesn’t see the kids until, say Boxing Day?

It is YOUR decision and he has to work around it.

ETA: sorry, just seen latest update. Good. You don’t have to think about him at all, just focus on making things as much fun as possible for the children.

MissDoubleU · 22/12/2025 13:46

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 13:27

He has informed me this morning he has booked a few nights away (from tonight) and won’t be contactable at all, including on Christmas Day. He says speaking to the kids would confuse them. He hasn’t told me where he is going, other than it’s a couple of hours away.

I’ve checked our joint account and he hasn’t moved any money out in the past 24 hours either.

Incredibly suspicious. There is no way you can trust him after this. He’s proving once again that his own interests are his own priority. He doesn’t care about speaking to the children on Christmas. He will be off living the high life having a nice time away “experimenting” with whomever he is with.

YourWildAnt · 22/12/2025 13:47

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 13:27

He has informed me this morning he has booked a few nights away (from tonight) and won’t be contactable at all, including on Christmas Day. He says speaking to the kids would confuse them. He hasn’t told me where he is going, other than it’s a couple of hours away.

I’ve checked our joint account and he hasn’t moved any money out in the past 24 hours either.

How incredibly selfish and snide of him. Continuing to conceal, deceive and put his own needs first. He must have had a separate account for a long time that you're not aware of, or the ex was one of several partners he has had an now another has stepped in to save the day.
I'm sorry he's done this to you. Find a decent locksmith while he's off galavanting.

Mix56 · 22/12/2025 13:47

He's off to meet some other gay people. Making it a mystery is another slap in the face. He doesn't give a shit about the children.
It's all about him

UnemployedNotRetired · 22/12/2025 13:50

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 13:27

He has informed me this morning he has booked a few nights away (from tonight) and won’t be contactable at all, including on Christmas Day. He says speaking to the kids would confuse them. He hasn’t told me where he is going, other than it’s a couple of hours away.

I’ve checked our joint account and he hasn’t moved any money out in the past 24 hours either.

Suspicion of secret accounts? Or just that you have your own money?

If you have trust issues, removing 50% of the money from joint accounts would be one idea.

Original poster
Lisawr · 22/12/2025 13:51

I am relieved he won’t be here. I’ve been exchanging the odd message with the other woman and have asked her if her H has done similar, as when we last spoke she was weighing up similar to me what to do about Christmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisawr · 22/12/2025 13:52

UnemployedNotRetired · 22/12/2025 13:50

Suspicion of secret accounts? Or just that you have your own money?

If you have trust issues, removing 50% of the money from joint accounts would be one idea.

Show quote history

He almost certainly has access to money elsewhere. One of his early ‘meetings’ with the other man was a two night trip to London when he told me he was away with work (so he’d actually used annual leave on it too).

OP posts:
LVhandbagsatdawn · 22/12/2025 13:55

MissDoubleU · 22/12/2025 13:46

Incredibly suspicious. There is no way you can trust him after this. He’s proving once again that his own interests are his own priority. He doesn’t care about speaking to the children on Christmas. He will be off living the high life having a nice time away “experimenting” with whomever he is with.

Show quote history

Really? I'd be more concerned he is in quite a dark place and might do something drastic.

Bookworm386 · 22/12/2025 14:01

Lisawr · 22/12/2025 13:51

I am relieved he won’t be here. I’ve been exchanging the odd message with the other woman and have asked her if her H has done similar, as when we last spoke she was weighing up similar to me what to do about Christmas.

This is a blessing in disguise for you, you can focus on YOU and your children for Christmas day. Do you have other support around you? I promise you, you will look back on this and see it as the start of a new, brighter future for you and your family away from deceit, disrespect and toxic behaviour. It doesn't feel like it now but keep your head held high and make the most of all the support you can from your friends and family.

Su9 · 22/12/2025 14:17

Seeing the angry comments, we can appreciate the righteous indignation and sympathy on the writers behalf. Yet... getting her riled up ain't help her or her marriage at all. Useful comments? Suggestions?
Can she sit down with him for 3 min and ask him what's happening, how you can work this out together, so you and kids can plan your day, use your time well, rather than hanging on hour after hour?

Su9 · 22/12/2025 14:20

Pls check yourself for STIs incl HIV, I don't want to scare you, but this has gone in for a long time. Regular reliable condom use cannot be relied upon at all. And pls anyone who even suspects partner is unfaithful, never drink alcohol together so you don't get romanticised into having unsafe sex.
He may have had other affairs, as may his boyfriend, even if they both think they're being faithful to each other, even once offs, before it during this past year.