Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

[Lisawr]

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

I think I'd rather there were feelings, because this just means sex alone is more important than his marriage.

Sorry you are going through this OP. There are some pretty angry replies on here, I think people are worried that if he worms his way back into the home he will convince you to take him back and I strongly suspect that is his plan.

If you do allow him into your home over Christmas you need to make it very clear that he won’t be coming back for good. He has cheated on you with a man, so not only has he hid a relationship from you, he has hidden the fact he is gay/bi.

Of course he’s going to sell this to you as ‘doing what’s best for the kids’ as he wants to make you feel bad for saying ‘no’. It’s totally up to you what you decide but don’t let him make you feel guilty, it’s his actions that have got him into this situation.

I would also add (maybe an obvious comment), that men who have been caught having affairs lie on a wholesale basis in my experience. So it is very likely he is lying when he says it was only one man, over the timescales, the level of feelings and everything else involved in it. He will also do it again. Even now with the I was very young when we got married stuff you can see the gaslighting starting and him shifting any blame from himself. Soon he will be subtly saying it was your fault. Stop listening. Limit contact, get legal advice and gain maximum support IRL from friends and family.

I'm so.sorry to hear this OP. I don't believe for a moment he had any intention of telling you after Christmas or at any time. I'd call.his mother and tell her, she can make the decision whether to tell his father, and he can go to their empty house while you process it.

>> If you do allow him into your home over Christmas you need to make it very clear that he won’t be coming back for good. <<

Er, as far as we know it's THEIR home. And he has every LEGAL right to come and go as he pleases - as does the OP. Of course, it might be easier all round if he doesn't, and so far he's been staying elsewhere, but those suggesting hotel stays and similar need to realise that's spending money that would otherwise be shared during the divorce.

But I fear the OP has vanished on this one.

Don’t worry about him and his feelings OP. Ask yourself what you need right now? If it is space from him then you make sure you get it. Yes the house might be half his but if he has any decency at all then he needs to consider what you need right now and if that is for him to find a place to stay elsewhere then he needs to do that.

I cannot imagine having an affair and then expecting my partner to have me back in the house with them over Christmas. Absolute piss take. But further proof that his moral compass is skewed and he lacks integrity.

Get from this what you need OP.

Tell him he needs to invent some sort of excuse about why he needs to stay at their house, or you will be telling them the real reason!

You really haven't been able to process this and, if he stays in the spare room, he will likely be trying to whittle away at you, giving excuses and putting pressure on you "for the children" and doing all he can to talk you round into letting him stay (from what you've said, he's obviously already started this).

You're going to be so so vulnerable still to his manipulation. Of course you haven't had time to even take it.

I would absolutely tell him he needs to stay somewhere else. That of course is easier to say than do with the pressure that you're under.

I'm so sorry your married to this lying, cheating scumbag. I hope you find your anger and strength to get through this 💐

Not your problem, Id tell them myself he had an affair and you have kicked him out for being a cheating twat.

He is responsible for his behaviour and he owns it.
He does have an option to stay at parents house and he needs to get a back bone and tell them. This is his problem not yours. Did he think about this when he had this affair. Whenever it is they will be impacted so it does not matter.
He did this and he must take responsibility not trying to make everything look as normal.
Have him for Christmas Dinner and that is it.

He has to face up to his actions, and he leaves and goes and stays at his parents' house. He doesn't have to tell them the details, just that you and him are splitting up after Christmas. It's not a one off, this is lying to you for a year.

There's no way you won't have a weird Christmas - you need time to process this and the kids will notice - you need space to yourself.

If you do decide to let him stay over Christmas, set some boundaries....

My DH and I have been together since we were 21/22, his excuse his laughable…

If you both the house, he has a right to be there.

So it's important to be clear and straightforward and consistent about what you want from the start.

Bearing in mind that

He has cheated - male or female, it's the same thing.

He has lied and deceived you from the very start about who and what he is.

He is homosexual = you are not what he wants.

He has enabled the other man to knowingly do the same thing to his own wife. Two families devastated.

He is potentially acting in ways that could impact his own and your health - maybe an STI for you would be wise.

You're in shock now.

Short term - what are you going to do this week? He says he 'can't' go to parents (maybe tell him to suck that up as it's not your problem) and friend's place is not available, so the alternative is he finds a budget hotel/B&B for now. This will eat into family finances.

Christmas day - the children need to be considered, and they will want him.

Your feelings matter. Cooking and hosting him will probably make you feel awful and it will either be noticed by the children or you'll push yourself to unfair limits trying to hide it.

He may try to take advantage of the Christmas spirit and try love bombing you with presents, apologies, promises and tears. Remember what he stands to lose - that's what's driving that. If you cave - remember what he did and will do again because none of that will change.

I think the healthiest thing will be to start having the conversation about his long term plans asap.

Looking for and renting a small place close by so he can be present for the children - but not in your face.

What's happening with the other man? Is there the prospect of them setting up home?

I'm so sorry. All the best to you.

CORRECT.

That's 'experimenting and finding you love it'.

The first person we lie to is ourself.

Your spouse has a but in his fidelity. I am faithful but not if she won’t find out. I am faithful but it doesn’t count if it’s a man.

If you do not want him there ask him to stay away. If he doesn’t want people to know then he’s likely to stay away.

I am guessing he wasn’t going to tell you after Christmas. He’s a liar. He would have carried on as normal. The woman who let you know was brave and it is good that she told you, I doubt cheaty mccheatyson was going to give you agency.

Sadly cheaters have personality traits that allow them to betray their own vows. Selfishness is one of these and look here he is, he’s torpedoed his marriage and it’s still all ‘me, me, me’. If he had cared about his parents he wouldn’t have done this - there was always a risk of being caught.

What do you want to happen next op?

Have you got real life support?

I would tell him to stay at his boyfriends house.

That's exactly what I would say.
Keep things as normal as possible for the children over Christmas, with a firm date for him to o to stay at his parents' home at least while they are away. He won't be able to put pressure on OP to stay longer if there a whole empty house waiting for him. Of course if he owns the house jointly with OP, he probably does have the right to stay there legally.

Yep. The affair was over, he'd successfully concealed it for a YEAR, he can't/won't come out to his parents - he was no way going to confess any of it to his wife.

OP he isn't your problem. He can sort out where he stays over Xmas and what he says to his parents (or not) about why his marriage has ended. You don't owe him anything so don't be suckered into thinking any of this is your problem to solve.

His living arrangements are no longer your problem. If his only option is his parents house then he’ll need to fess up to them, again not your problem.

I would the kids you have had an argument and dad is giving you some space to feel better, but he will visit on Christmas Day..

Then decide if you want him in the house Christmas Day, Perhaps he can come and play with the kids for a couple of hours while you busy yourself in kitchen then he leaves before dinner.

You do not need to do anything “for the kids”, he has already thrown a grenade into their lives and nothing will be the same again, you having to awkwardly pretend it hasn’t happened is not helping anyone, the kids will pick up on it and it isn’t fair to you.

I’d be too tempted to spit in his food to have him in the house for Christmas dinner! He has another perfectly good option of staying in his parents house. The awkwardness he feels about telling his parents isn’t your problem. I’d say you tell them why you need to stay there today or I’ll do it for you.

"His living arrangements are no longer your problem. If his only option is his parents house then he’ll need to fess up to them, again not your problem."

Well, if they jointly own the house, she can't just change the locks.

We need to stop expecting women to be nice to men, regardless of how the man has treated them. It’s not our job to make others’ lives easier. Op has no obligation to spend Xmas pretending everything is fine, whilst her world falls apart. Yes, legally she cannot stop a co owner/tenant from living there, I’d strongly suggest to op that she tell her husband that for her and her children’s sake, he stays away. Where that is, is not her problem.
Id also echo others and say that an STI test should be a priority.

Ah, but he fully expects you to shoulder this, alone, with kids, just before Christmas? Twt! if the kids aren't missing him 'cos he's 'at work', they'll probably not miss him much on Christmas day - tell him he can see them boxing day. You have Christmas day with your kids.

I don't think we know the ownership/rental details? In any case, if he is genuinely asking your permission OP, I would say no.
He's made the mess, not you. It's not your job to figure out where he can stay. And you say you don't want to ruin the kids Xmas- he's the one responsible for all this, not you.

How are you supposed to begin healing if you're busy coping with him under the same roof? The kids might like their dad being there but what will they make of their mum who will seem strangely on edge? And if he doesn't leave after Christmas? I doubt his mate is relishing the thought of your DH back on his sofa.

You are no doubt feeling numb because there's a lot of ery understandable overwhelming feelings in you, but it might be helpful if you can thaw just enough for some self protective anger to surface. Just enough to look out for yourself at this time. He's lied to you, not taken responsibility and he will not be looking out for you now either.

It’s bollocks.

I’ve seen it over and over with bi men.

they shack up with a woman and get married for kids because it’s cheaper and easier to marry a woman for kids but once they’ve got the kids it’s affair after affair with men.

talk to gay guys they’ll tell you all sorts of reasons why this happens. It’ll be eye opening for you.