For leaving my boyfriend in the frozen isle

[Sadly11]

I came to stay with him for the week to spend Christmas together (3 hours by train) Yesterday we went food shopping because he didn’t have any food in. He’s always been very clear that food shopping is super triggering for him so normally he orders online but this week he hadn’t and we were starving.

On the way he even joked that this could end badly and we might break up. Haha. Because nothing says comedy like foreshadowing your own relationship ending in the frozen isle

Anyway, we get there and he’s acting manic. He kept grabbing my chest, pulling my skirt up (not fully but still uncomfortable) he’s making gestures with his penis and making inappropriate comments, there were kids around. People noticed. Embarrassing doesn’t even cover it. I told him to stop, and he countered with loudly accusing me of being embarrassed of him which just drew more attention.

I tried to soldier on because maybe this is his coping mechanism. We’re almost done, he asks a question about which salmon we should choose. I zone out. He snaps at me, says you’re supposed to be helping, you know how hard this is for me. I remind him I have been helping but he keeps pushing. People are staring again so I say I’m not having an argument with you in the fish aisle, I will walk out if you don’t stop.

Then in the frozen aisle he snaps again at me because I said I don’t want ice cream and earlier I had said I wanted ice cream. so I just walked out. Left him there with a trolley full of food and walked back to his.
Back at his house he shuts himself away on the sofa. I went to bed alone. Today I try to talk to him, he wants to be left alone and doesn’t want to talk to me, apparently walking out was the worst thing I could have done. I abandoned him in the most triggering environment possible, what I did was shocking to him, he doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to spend Christmas with me anymore and when pushed if he wants to break up says he said he hasn’t thought about it and just wants to be left alone.
oh and it gets better, it’s my Birthday tomorrow, we had plans for him to take me to dinner, he said he won’t kick me out on my birthday (how lovely) but will continue sleeping on the sofa and I should let him know when he should drop me back off at the station.

He’s currently asleep now on the sofa. What a wonderful birthday present. He’s essentially broken up with me the day before my Birthday. I don’t know the area, it’s far too late to make any plans for either my birthday or Christmas. I don’t know when I’ll go home, I have a parcel coming to his house tomorrow morning and I’m pretty certain I’ll never be back so I think I need to stay here for that and then do the 3 hour train ride back on my Birthday, alone, to then spend Christmas alone. Plus I haven’t slept yet and my eyes are all swollen and puffy from crying so I don’t know if I fancy doing the journey back in this state.

I've nearly just burned my mince pies because I can hardly believe what I'm reading! OP, there is no ND issue that excuses sexual exhibitionism and sexual aggression in a food aisle. Every one is telling you this is unacceptable and to escape and they're right. The best birthday and Christmas present you can give yourself is to get out now. The word "triggered" is misused/abused sometimes and your boyfriend's "I was triggered so I behaved badly and you have to put up with appalling behaviour because I can't take responsibility for it myself" is manipulative, even if he doesn't know it, but I think he probably does.

Anxiety is not an excuse to treat you the way he did. Being triggered doesn’t justify sexualised behaviour in public, shouting at you, humiliating you, or punishing you afterwards with silence and threats of abandonment. That’s not anxiety, that’s controlling and disrespectful.

Do you really want to spend your life walking on eggshells around someone who uses their “triggers” to control situations and then blames you for reacting? You’re allowed to change your mind about ice cream. You’re allowed to leave a situation where you’re being mistreated.

You didn’t abandon him, you removed yourself from an unsafe and humiliating situation. The way he’s behaving now, especially around your birthday, is deeply unkind and manipulative.

Honestly, you should be on your way home. Don’t let this man ruin your birthday, your Christmas, or your life.

I'm sorry but he sounds like a complete nutcase and needs sectioning.

He has anxiety about decision making in supermarkets so because of that he sexually assaults you and makes sexual gestures in front of kids?

Nope he sounds like a nutter and YWBU to stay with someone who is like this.

Is being alone really that much worse than being with this absolute freak?

Why in Gods name would you want to be with someone like this? Assuming he actually exists.....

Sorry to be so cynical but are you sure you aren’t being manipulated into being the one who does the food shopping and decides what you eat as a couple? It sounds all very set up to me, especially as he is leaving you and upset with you when the relationship is getting to the stage you spend Birthday’s and Christmas together.

As others have said run for the hills and I would block his number too.

At first I thought I’d done nothing wrong and was expecting an apology when I walked out. But when someone is so angry at you, says you did the worst thing possible, won’t even talk to you and calls your behaviour shocking, it makes you start second guessing yourself. This isn’t the first time it’s happened between us either

What a fucking manchild.

Also I’m so done with the triggers of grown adults. Nobody actually cares. Take your attention seeking behaviour somewhere else.

Christmas alone is better than Christmas with this arsehole. Go home today.

I mentioned this thread to my husband so he knew why I was staring at my phone with my eyes on stalks. I said I was surprised this man child isn't living with his mother. Husband reckons he's probably killed her.

‘Triggering’ has become Mumsnet-speak for ‘anything I don’t like’.

At last.. someone else can see this is complete and utter bollocks

If he’s broken up with you then that’s the best birthday present you could have had from him. Thank your lucky stars you don’t need to see him anymore once you’re home.

Leave now before you get trapped in this situation for life, because it will only get worse if that’s even possible… he’s done you a massive favour revealing his true colours whilst you can still escape back to your own house thankfully so far away you won’t have him hanging around. Book the first train home, block his number and book yourself into a spa for your birthday and don’t look back. I was trapped living with someone like that for 5 years in my 20’s, I was love bombed moved in then it escalated badly when I was trapped and couldn’t easily move out and I struggled to leave safely. Even now I have PTSD from some of the things that happened and of course he blamed his ND. My son from a different relationship since the terrible one is ND and would never try to pull my skirt up or grab me or anyone else for that matter if he’s stressed at the supermarket- he has fight/flight response from the stress as he wants to leave and it just doesn’t present as groping or abuse.

my dear he has given you the BEST Christmas present imaginable. Your freedom. Take it and bloody run!!

You're second guessing yourself because he's very good at gaslighting you. How long have you been with him?

Think I would be going back home with a band playing and flags waving. Don't make his madness yours. Nothing there for you. Block his number, he can keep the present. Can't imagine spending the holiday with the knob!

This man is an absolute joke. For the love of God stop giving him any more of your time and energy and get out of there and don't look back. He basically sexually assaulted you in a supermarket then tried to make it your fault when you walked away. Come on now, and he's actually looking at you with a straight face saying he can't be in a supermarket and that's his excuse, a man in his 40s. You deserve better than this, alone is better than this.

OP - apologies as I’ve only read yours and then a snapshot of other posts - but you’ve done nothing wrong and his behaviour is totally inappropriate and he could have been arrested. You were sexually assaulted.

id get out of there fast and don’t go back.

is he on any medication or support?? I’m just shocked that his coping mechanism is to become highly sexual. That’s not ok.

I’d get the next train home. Get home, splurge on fabulous food for my birthday and Christmas, have a long bath, veg out on television of your choice and switch your phone off after blocking the immature, abusive twat.

Are you actually reading any of the comments because you don’t seem to be acknowledging a single point or taking anything g onboard

I do know someone whose Tourette's was set off by supermarkets (lighting, noise, overwhelm in choice) and sadly they suffered from "copropraxia" with their Tourette's which can involve the obscene sexual comments and gestures and touching. So I thought of this when I read your OP. However, as he is showing no remorse or apparent wish to find a way to manage whatever caused this and blames you for it, I would be leaving asap.

He unstable. You might as well be dating Norman Bates or Jack Torrance. Just leave and never look back.

He sounds a nightmare. fuck him fuck the parcel and get out his house now. Forget ur birthday and Xmas, u have more worrying things to deal with. Get home now. Stop giving him control.

He’s a dick! Get rid of him as soon as you can. Run and don’t look back.
I thought he was early 20s and that was bad enough but a man in his forties behaving that way is unacceptable. At any age it’s unacceptable but in his 40s? This is all him and not you. Lucky escape.

Yep!!!