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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For leaving my boyfriend in the frozen isle

747 replies

Sadly11 · 21/12/2025 15:27

I came to stay with him for the week to spend Christmas together (3 hours by train) Yesterday we went food shopping because he didn’t have any food in. He’s always been very clear that food shopping is super triggering for him so normally he orders online but this week he hadn’t and we were starving.

On the way he even joked that this could end badly and we might break up. Haha. Because nothing says comedy like foreshadowing your own relationship ending in the frozen isle

Anyway, we get there and he’s acting manic. He kept grabbing my chest, pulling my skirt up (not fully but still uncomfortable) he’s making gestures with his penis and making inappropriate comments, there were kids around. People noticed. Embarrassing doesn’t even cover it. I told him to stop, and he countered with loudly accusing me of being embarrassed of him which just drew more attention.

I tried to soldier on because maybe this is his coping mechanism. We’re almost done, he asks a question about which salmon we should choose. I zone out. He snaps at me, says you’re supposed to be helping, you know how hard this is for me. I remind him I have been helping but he keeps pushing. People are staring again so I say I’m not having an argument with you in the fish aisle, I will walk out if you don’t stop.

Then in the frozen aisle he snaps again at me because I said I don’t want ice cream and earlier I had said I wanted ice cream. so I just walked out. Left him there with a trolley full of food and walked back to his.
Back at his house he shuts himself away on the sofa. I went to bed alone. Today I try to talk to him, he wants to be left alone and doesn’t want to talk to me, apparently walking out was the worst thing I could have done. I abandoned him in the most triggering environment possible, what I did was shocking to him, he doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to spend Christmas with me anymore and when pushed if he wants to break up says he said he hasn’t thought about it and just wants to be left alone.
oh and it gets better, it’s my Birthday tomorrow, we had plans for him to take me to dinner, he said he won’t kick me out on my birthday (how lovely) but will continue sleeping on the sofa and I should let him know when he should drop me back off at the station.

He’s currently asleep now on the sofa. What a wonderful birthday present. He’s essentially broken up with me the day before my Birthday. I don’t know the area, it’s far too late to make any plans for either my birthday or Christmas. I don’t know when I’ll go home, I have a parcel coming to his house tomorrow morning and I’m pretty certain I’ll never be back so I think I need to stay here for that and then do the 3 hour train ride back on my Birthday, alone, to then spend Christmas alone. Plus I haven’t slept yet and my eyes are all swollen and puffy from crying so I don’t know if I fancy doing the journey back in this state.

OP posts:
Olderbutt · 22/12/2025 10:24

saveforthat · 21/12/2025 15:30

What have I just read? Food shopping is triggering?

Food shopping is a recognised trigger for many people.

HappyMamma2023 · 22/12/2025 10:28

I voted YABU for putting up with this behaviour. You should have left him and gone home.

IsThisTheWaytoSlamMyPillow · 22/12/2025 10:30

BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK @Sadly11

Sorry to shout but please block him. He’s gaslighting - look at WHY you left the supermarket instead of letting him derail by focusing on what happened after -

He was groping your breasts, lifting your skirt and making lewd gestures with his penis IN A SUPERMARKET and in front of children as well as adults. This screams sex pest. If he’d “dropped his trousers and helicoptered” he’d have been arrested for indecent exposure and you leaving would be the least of his worries.

Loads of the other customers would have been struggling with mental health etc - it’s very common - but the rest of them managed to behave appropriately.

Sartre · 22/12/2025 10:33

He sounds utterly nuts tbh. I could stretch to imagining the behaviour in the supermarket from a guy in his early 20s, just about but a guy in his 40s?! I can understand finding supermarkets triggering because my mum had severe anxiety and agoraphobia when I was a child, supermarkets were indeed one of her triggers and we did have to leave entire trolleys behind when she started having panic attacks. I get that. Him groping you and pulling up your skirt to cope though?! That’s just plain weird and I also would have left.

Glad you have ended things and are on your way home. I hope you can salvage your birthday and Christmas somehow. Definitely block him.

Nearly50omg · 22/12/2025 10:35

soupyspoon · 21/12/2025 15:33

He sounds like he is ND and quite frankly OP, not worth it. If day to day functioning is too difficult for him, and it may well be, then nothing is going to work moving forward, every little day to day nuance or minutiae that has to be deal with or managed or navigated through will lead to situations like this, you trying to make up for his failings and having to effectively parent him and then getting a load of grief for it.

Trust me.

What the fuck makes you think that???!! ND people don’t behave like perverts in public!! 🤬🤬🤬 Jesus Christ you are so offensive you’re off any scale there is!!

Ahwelltoobad · 22/12/2025 10:43

Happy birthday! Great that you got your package, got on the train and can start your new year without him! 🤗
I think leaving him in the shop was the correct way to deal with his behaviour. Jesus wept

FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 22/12/2025 10:54

ThatJollyGreySquid · 21/12/2025 15:43

I was expecting to read about someone being abandoned in Greenland.

I was a bit disappointed as well. Really looking forward to a “I’ve abandoned him in Greenland, AIBU” OP. Well, we can’t get everything we want for Christmas. OP, you’ll find your anger soon and then you’ll wish you’d left him in Greenland. My husband has ADHD and gets completely overwhelmed by decision paralysis when it comes to groceries. But that means he just ends up shutting down and staring blankly at 50 kinds of ketchup, not that he sexually abuses anyone!!! There is NO excuse for what this excuse of a man did to you, OP. Good fucking riddance and happy birthday to you! Cake

JHound · 22/12/2025 10:55

Him dumping you was a blessing. The man is a weirdo.

Millytante · 22/12/2025 11:09

Such good news, OP! Fantastic that the parcel arrived so early and you could be on your way by 9.
I’ll be thinking of you this week, and beaming encouraging vibes at you from afar.
Embrace your new freedom, and steel yourself against any wheedling texts he might send, though blocking is the best protection of course.
Hope you'll soon be home again, and playing your favourite music in the house while you organise a 🎄mid-week that’ll indulge and comfort you.
Onwards and upwards! 🌤️

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 22/12/2025 11:13

Block him. Consider a ring doorbell if he knows your address... He will call round pretending he was worried about you as he hasn't heard from you.
He will also have had time to stew and bubble....
Not a good combination..
You are well rid op.

WildLeader · 22/12/2025 11:17

@Sadly11 He’s essentially broken up with me the day before my Birthday

wtaf?! Why has HE broken up with YOU? You should have cut this off in its tracks at the fucking supermarket! Where is your self esteem love? Your self worth and respect?

what parcel is coming? Can you divert it to a collection point near your home? Act fast if this is a possibility and get your arse on the next train home

shopping triggering… I’ve heard it all now.

dont be a mug for another second

WildLeader · 22/12/2025 11:22

Ah, just caught up! Well done for getting out! Block him now, don’t give him another second of your time. He’s a fucking twat and the perverted behaviour would clamp my fanny shut like a clam.

you’re better than this!

TheMorgenmuffel · 22/12/2025 11:40

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 09:13

I appreciate all the responses, especially from those who helped me see that this wasn’t my fault. I’m on the train back now. Parcel secured.

We didn’t speak much today, before we left he said there were presents waiting for me and asked if I wanted to open them while he went to the bathroom. I didn’t respond and he muttered under his breath “why did I bother” When he came back he asked again if I wanted them and I said no thank you. In the car I explained that it would have upset me but I thanked him for the thought.

I’m unsure whether to send a message and then block or just block.

You should probably send a message then block otherwise he is likely to harass you, pretending that he's worried about you, doesn't know what's wrong with you and bollocks like that.

At least if you tell him you are done and he is not to contact you either directly or indirectly, you can report him to the police if he starts harassing you (as they will tell you to tell him to stop and contact them if he doesnt)

IAmKerplunk · 22/12/2025 11:41

Nearly50omg · 22/12/2025 10:35

What the fuck makes you think that???!! ND people don’t behave like perverts in public!! 🤬🤬🤬 Jesus Christ you are so offensive you’re off any scale there is!!

Some ND people do. Not because they are ND but because they are perverts. Just like NT people can be perverts.

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 11:57

Curveball- I hadn’t blocked yet was going to wait till I got home to send a short message and block. He messaged asking if I was on the train, I didn’t answer and then he called me twice which I didn’t answer, he messaged saying it was really important so I answered and he said his hob wasn’t working and did I do something to do it when I was cleaning it, I replied no just wiped it down and then went through a tunnel so lost signal

he then accused me of hanging up on him, said it was important I tell him. I said no again just wiped it down (it was covered in grease) he replied “You did something. It’s not coincidence is it”

and then went onto explain he was messaging me to tell me how wrong this feels and he shouldn’t have let me go then he tried to turn the oven on and it wasn’t working. That I seem like I want to absolve myself, and not hear from him ever again, that he was going to beg to come and get me and love me but now he has to fix his cooker and that I should try to care a bit.

I explained again that I didn’t do anything to do it and asked what made him change his mind (I know I should not have done this)

he said he didn’t break up with me, he was just furious and upset but now he’s more concerned about the cooker and if that makes him a selfish prick then so be it.

I responded and asked again why the sudden change and why he didn’t say anything before instead of ignoring me for 2 days and he’s not replied. I know I should not have done that, I’ve slept 3 hours in 2 days, cried constantly and not eaten for 2 days.

this is all just a head fuck

OP posts:
Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 12:00

Please knock some sense into me

OP posts:
Flinderskleepers · 22/12/2025 12:01

Come on OP, get a grip, block and move on. This is in an insane situation. Ask yourself why you're dragging this out by not blocking.

Purplewarrior · 22/12/2025 12:01

He’s a revolting sex pest with a personality disorder.

Send him a message saying it’s over and you don’t want to hear from him again. Then block him.

TheMorgenmuffel · 22/12/2025 12:03

Christ on a bike just block him.

Otherwise, at this point, you are choosing this life.

And that would be bonkers.

The only way to win his game is not to play.

The sensible thing to do now would be to message him saying you no longer want to be with him, your decision is final, you are blocking him and if he contacts you in any way you will make a complaint of harassment.

Unless you actually want to stay with him, in which case good fucking luck, sister, you'll need it. I hope it doesnt end as badly for you as it sounds like it will.

Mistymeg · 22/12/2025 12:03

yoyoynot · 22/12/2025 09:46

OP, my youngest son behaves in a very similar way (apart from the grabbing and gesturing). He has a collection of anxiety disorders and an eating disorder. Shopping can, indeed, be triggering. In fact, he has spent hours (literally) trying to make decisions between which carton of soup to choose, which packet of crispbreads and so on. He also experiences sensory overload. A few years ago, he became aggressive towards me when I left him in the supermarket because he was muttering threats and making abusive comments towards me under his breath. This behaviour was a product of his extreme anxiety, but it was an unacceptable one. Other behaviours that he is still struggling to manage include: an urge to sniff the bread to see which loaf may be the most tasty; taking and shaking every carton of soup to see which looks the thickest or to compare the colour (too dark, too light etc); lining up every cut of prepacked meat to compare the fat content and so on. We try to avoid busy shops, but at this time of the year, that is impossible. The problems with decision making continue at home, and we try to keep food storage to a minimum to make choices easier

My son is 24, and admits himself that he is in no way ready for a relationship yet. I think perhaps this applies to the man in question on this thread as well. He needs to learn ways to manage his anxiety, and he needs help from mental health professionals.

Good luck with your future, OP, and belated happy birthday.

This makes me feel sad. Your son clearly has the support and diagnoses he needs and I wonder if the man in question doesn’t. Seems like he and OP were going to spend Christmas alone.

wombat1a · 22/12/2025 12:04

I think you can find someone much much nicer to you than him. Get rid asap

Theslummymummy · 22/12/2025 12:04

Please do not allow this prick to win you round. He hasn't even said sorry for his behaviour and has done this at christmas and your birthday.

He obviously 100% thought you'd change your mind, because you haven't he's had to do it. He could have done this before dropping you off to the train, but he was hoping you'd fold first.

Now the twat has accused you of tampering with his oven, and sounds way more concerned with that than anything he's done and how he's made you feel.

Would you honestly be OK with this man dating your best friend or your sister???

UncannyFanny · 22/12/2025 12:06

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 09:13

I appreciate all the responses, especially from those who helped me see that this wasn’t my fault. I’m on the train back now. Parcel secured.

We didn’t speak much today, before we left he said there were presents waiting for me and asked if I wanted to open them while he went to the bathroom. I didn’t respond and he muttered under his breath “why did I bother” When he came back he asked again if I wanted them and I said no thank you. In the car I explained that it would have upset me but I thanked him for the thought.

I’m unsure whether to send a message and then block or just block.

If you just block with no explanation you run the risk that he can still contact you from other numbers hounding you. Be clear about ending it at the very least. A final text telling him in simple terms it’s finished and please don’t try to contact you again, then block.

Happyhettie · 22/12/2025 12:06

@Sadly11

Text him now and tell him that he had dumped you and you are respecting his decision. (Doesn’t matter whether this is true or not. He’s bloody unstable)
You do not wish to hear from him again and if he contacts you, you’ll consider it harassment and you’ll contact the police. You wish him well but the relationship is over and then BLOCK before he can text / call you back.

If he then contacts you again speak to the police. If you have told him not to contact you and it’s harassment the police will support you if there are issues. That’s the advice I had many years ago (before the police had to go and pay him a visit because the stupid fucker didn’t take me seriously)

If you don’t do this then you are in for a whole lot more hassle. Why do you want to live like this?

PurpleEmerald · 22/12/2025 12:06

I suspect he didn’t think you would really leave or that you would beg and grovel for his forgiveness so is now trying to back peddle whilst also making you the villain (the cooker).
He sounds like a dangerous prick. He is very lucky not to have been arrested for his vulgar behaviour in public. Please never see this man again.

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