Uninvited child turned up

[Imjustshockedx]

AIBU as I'm seriously shocked by this.

My DD had her 12th birthday a week ago.

What she wanted to do to celebrate, the max number we could have was 6 that included her. So she picked 5 other girls. 3 from outside of school and 2 from within school.

In school there are a group of 8 girls altogether and she's also friends with others who aren't part of the group.

One of the 8 girls we've known since primary. When this girl found out about the party, she told her mother and the mother messaged me asking if an invitation has gone missing and whether her child can go too. I explained as above regarding the max number and that only 2 children from school are invited, the other 3 being outside school. However I said my daughter wanted to get everyone together at some point round ours. She replied saying she feels it's unfair as her daughter hardly gets invited to any parties, only one of the other girls in the group did invite her daughter, and if I can accommodate her child. I replied saying how sorry I was but it's a max number.

The daughter found out where and when the party was and, on the day she turned up with her mother! I explained calmly the same as I responded in the message, however she said she's here now and all the girls are chatting. I spoke with my daughter to one side and asked if she had invited the uninvited child by mistake. She said no and that the child kept pestering her for an invite at school. I again apologised to the parent calmly as I didn't want a scene to be caused but she still wasn't having it. The party then began and they had to go into a different room in the back but the uninvited child still went to follow. At this point in my head I was beginning to get annoyed. When the staff member came to get them into the room I explained an invited child had turned up and the staff member was so lovely and dealt with it for me by speaking to the parent explaining the max number had been booked. As I walked into the private room for the event I could hear the parent complaining to the staff member and getting frustrated. Her daughter was also beginning to get angry as she wasn't going in. They eventually left. I apologised to the staff member and also thanked her. I explained she had previously messaged me.

These are secondary school children and I'm actually shocked they turned up. The uninvited child knew she wasnt invited and so did the mother as I explained it to her clearly on the messages.

I felt bad for the other child but 5 within their group weren't invited. The other children were fine with it and were excited for the day they were coming to our house. My daughter is now wanting to plan for the rest of the group to come to our house, however my daughter said she doesn't really want the uninvited child at our house now given how she acted turning up at the party uninvited.

So Mumsnet what would you do?

It is very cheeky and incredibly entitled behaviour.
My DS is in his first year of secondary and whilst nowhere to the level of CF you experienced - we keep having random children come home on the bike with our child. Uninvited and meaning I have an extra person to worry about - and it is then waiting for their parents to pick them up. I don’t entertain it : I have told my children that these kids live in the opposite direction to us and that they need to go home - especially now it’s dark so early .
It feels like free childcare.
Sorry for going off topic but there are a lot of piss takers for parents out there and good you stood your ground.
To add- I am astounded at how many eleven year old children that are just allowed to ‘ roam streets ‘ and do what they like at weekends and holidays . It’s a new thing to me and something that I have only ever seen with this year group since starting secondary.

Unacceptable behaviour by them both, particularly the mother. However I would not allow 7 out of 8 to be invited to the house. You made your point on the day and she didnt get to join in, I would say to my dd she is invited to the whole school group at your house. Ir if she really doesnt want to then none of them come.

This would be absolutely fucking mental and the school would think OP was a complete nutjob. It’s got nothing to do with the school.

did you message the mother afterwards and tell her that her behaviour was unacceptable and you didn’t appreciate the pressure she put you under ?

Did you not have freedom when you were 11? I agree it’s annoying but it’s not a new thing? If anything it’s in decline

She’s a twelve year old child who has already been humiliated by her mum.

I would be offering her some kindness and not exclude her from the whole group plans.

This. I've had kids turn up uninvited and just shrugged it off for the kids sake. Yes the mum is pushy and entitled but the poor kid.
Just always be the better person.
I surprised they had a party room, at 12 isn't it usually the cinema and sleepovers?

A little kindness to the girl with the batty mother would not go amiss here. No need for ongoing drama.

@pogletsbar let’s not call kids parasites. Truly nasty.

This. The mother is clearly weird and the poor kid is having to navigate this and doesn’t really understand how it all comes across.

Completely insane behaviour. It’s understandable that your DD no longer wants this girl to attend the house party and if she’s adamant, I would respect her wishes.

I can’t help but have some sympathy for the other girl though because her mother is quite clearly unhinged and teaching her terrible lessons. Would your DD be open to having a conversation with the her to explain how her actions made her feel and give her a chance to apologise? If they’re able to reconcile DD may change her mind about the party and it could be a valuable lesson in conflict resolution. I would only suggest this as an option though and not pressure DD if she feels the friendship is now over.

I’d contact the mother regardless of what happens with the girls and tell her that her behaviour was appalling and she should never have put you or your daughter in that position.

The woman was a CF without doubt. I’m also guessing she doesn’t host parties of this kind or she would have known the company decide maximum numbers, not the host. That makes her doubly cheeky.

But when you split friendship groups into A list and B list for invitations it is likely to cause some bad feelings. You see adults posting here about similar situations quite frequently. You might not have intended the venue party and the party at your home to be A list and B list, but I’m sure you can see that it might be perceived that way. It’s unavoidable.

I do understand why you and your daughter are thinking about uninviting the girl. Whether she deserves that or not, I would be concerned that doing so would be adding fuel to the flames and might cause problems at school going forward. Is that pragmatic or accepting bad behaviour? I’m not sure.

The mother of the uninvited child is unstable. How you handle that is up to you and how you navigate it without harming the child in question.

The mum of the child is completely out of order, but not sure about not inviting the girl to the gathering at the house. You’re punishing her for the sons of the mother. I’d follow your DD’s lead, but if she’s not invited it’ll prob be the end of the friendship.

Little wonder that the child doesn’t get invited if she, and her mother, behave in such an entitled way!
Good on your daughter, OP, for standing her ground too.

Also to add if my DC were in a friend group of 8 we would’ve found a birthday party to accommodate everyone, then seen any non-school friends at another time. Something to consider going forward.

Wow....the audacity!

I did but not to the extent where I was allowed to do anything at any time. Times have changed beyond recognition and given how dangerous our streets are now , it’s no wonder it’s in decline.

I am sorry but other people’s children and their choices for their children are not to do with me having to sacrifice my own time or that of my children’s.

There's yet another person being brought up to not understand 'no'. God help us, there's enough as it is with this entitled attitude.

Sorry OP for you and your daughter, the event person was a pro though, superb! All unwarranted drama on behalf of the mother and the blame lays squarely with her and any action going forward needs to be put on her. If your daughter doesn't want the other friend at the house party, so be it.

Years ago a similar thing happened to me .
I felt really bad but I said to the mother that it seems to be her that is pushing the friendship , it wasn't the children at all , apparently at school they are not the good friends that the other mother made out.
One weekend just after my Dad had a heart attack she telephoned and said it was about time that I took her child out for lunch / dinner as they hadn't seen each other for a while , by then they were at different schools and not in contact.
I felt awful and said that she was trying to live her life through her child .
I didn't hear from her again.

She can choose to spend her birthday however she likes, surely? And school friends don’t trump non school friends.

That's exactly what the mother was counting on - and if OP had somehow managed to get the venue to contravene their terms of business and their insurance, just because "but she really wants to", the mother learns that her CF ploy works - and then the venue open themselves up to everybody in future who hears about it saying "Ah, but you managed to let one more in for Emily's party, so you can do it for mine too".

She reminds me of the people on FreeCycle or Facebook marketplace who, on being told truthfully that the item has already been bought/taken, feel so entitled that they expect you to somehow 'unsell' or 'university it so that they can have it instead - even if they're expecting to pay a lot less for it than the actual buyer did!

Not really. If the birthday girl wants to go somewhere that just does 6 then her wishes trump the rest. It's the birthday girls choice. It is ok to not accommodate every single one, in fact it's more than ok. The girl was having a party at her house later on for everyone, why is that not enough?