Uninvited child turned up

[Imjustshockedx]

AIBU as I'm seriously shocked by this.

My DD had her 12th birthday a week ago.

What she wanted to do to celebrate, the max number we could have was 6 that included her. So she picked 5 other girls. 3 from outside of school and 2 from within school.

In school there are a group of 8 girls altogether and she's also friends with others who aren't part of the group.

One of the 8 girls we've known since primary. When this girl found out about the party, she told her mother and the mother messaged me asking if an invitation has gone missing and whether her child can go too. I explained as above regarding the max number and that only 2 children from school are invited, the other 3 being outside school. However I said my daughter wanted to get everyone together at some point round ours. She replied saying she feels it's unfair as her daughter hardly gets invited to any parties, only one of the other girls in the group did invite her daughter, and if I can accommodate her child. I replied saying how sorry I was but it's a max number.

The daughter found out where and when the party was and, on the day she turned up with her mother! I explained calmly the same as I responded in the message, however she said she's here now and all the girls are chatting. I spoke with my daughter to one side and asked if she had invited the uninvited child by mistake. She said no and that the child kept pestering her for an invite at school. I again apologised to the parent calmly as I didn't want a scene to be caused but she still wasn't having it. The party then began and they had to go into a different room in the back but the uninvited child still went to follow. At this point in my head I was beginning to get annoyed. When the staff member came to get them into the room I explained an invited child had turned up and the staff member was so lovely and dealt with it for me by speaking to the parent explaining the max number had been booked. As I walked into the private room for the event I could hear the parent complaining to the staff member and getting frustrated. Her daughter was also beginning to get angry as she wasn't going in. They eventually left. I apologised to the staff member and also thanked her. I explained she had previously messaged me.

These are secondary school children and I'm actually shocked they turned up. The uninvited child knew she wasnt invited and so did the mother as I explained it to her clearly on the messages.

I felt bad for the other child but 5 within their group weren't invited. The other children were fine with it and were excited for the day they were coming to our house. My daughter is now wanting to plan for the rest of the group to come to our house, however my daughter said she doesn't really want the uninvited child at our house now given how she acted turning up at the party uninvited.

So Mumsnet what would you do?

The girl wants to come but at the point she told her mum this, it’s the parents responsibility to tell her she can’t attend. The mother in this situation hasn’t parented - explaining that you don’t always get invited. She’s instead made the situation worse by bringing her daughter anyway and then acting like an entitled brat.

I wouldn’t invite the girl to the next gathering. If you know any of their other friends parents I would perhaps be asking subtly there have been any other issues.

As an aside, at secondary I didn’t attend any parties with my DC - other than when hosting obviously, they’d have been mortified!

Your daughter's birthday- she invites who she wants. If they hadn't of acted that way and this girl was the only one not invited I would say she should be invited.
However... I wouldn't be teaching my daughter to be involved in this type of behaviour, ro feel uncomfortable at her birthday gathering, and actually I wouldn't be rewarding that mother. You'll be creating a bigger, more entitled monster that your daughter has to deal with.

How have they all got on at school this week, after the party?

Exactly.
Soon enough the daughter will be making her own arrangements with friends anyway, without the mother's involvement.
But Pps logic that "it's just the mother driving it, you cant leave poor little girl out" is absurd. OP's daughter is also 12 and was appalled at friend's behaviour, she doesn't want her invited anywhere now. That's all that matters. And nothing OP should be guilt tripped about, this is truly unhinged behaviour, it would be mad to encourage it further.
I would send a very STRONG message to CF mum and Block. She ever tries anything like this again be loud and clear that you dont want them there and they need to leave now. If it's your house dont even open the door.

OP has been very clear, there was a cap on numbers, that wasn't feasible. The only way she could have been 'squeezed in' would have been for another girl to have missed out. However, even if that were possible, there's no way I would have allowed it and rewarded their entitled behaviour - I have no doubt the girl was in on it. At 12 children are old enough to have an opinion and be quite vocal about it! I doubt this girl was dragged there. Sounds like this mum intended to make the situation as awkward as possible so that OP would eventually cave. Incredibly rude and selfish.

For the mass meet up I would go with what the daughter wants - it's her birthday after all. Also, if she doesn't invite the cheeky girl, they both get a valuable lesson that actions have consequences.

I have a 12 year old dd and an older dd so have hosted plenty of parties, and attended many. I have never seen or heard of anything like this.

I have no time for such behaviour and would be informing the mother that her actions have consequences. The child would not be invited to anything again and I would be blocking the number of her mother.

I would be angry this mother did this and caused a scene at my dd's party. Unless severe mental health issues are at play, this is just entitled, cheeky fuckery! We read about enough of it on here to know how prevalent it is.

I changed my mind on this reading the other posts.

At first I thought your DD should invite her to the party at the house: excluding her would be mean and cause further rifts with a girl who seems to be struggling socially. But actually, I've been persuaded that if your daughter doesn't want a girl there who turned up uninvited and made a scene at an event she was hosting, I think that's fair.

Partly for me, it would hinge on the behaviour of the other girl on the day. Was she annoyed because her mum had told her "we'll go along anyway and it'll be fine" and then it wasn't - so annoyed at her mum? Or was she be annoyed because she felt entitled to be there? Which is to say, I don't think this girl should be punished for having a crazy mother. But she also has to learn that breaking very explicit social rules - like not turning up to a party you're not invited to - has consequences.

Awful behaviour!
What a bizarre woman to do that. She absolutely made it even worse for her own daughter by having her get sent away from the venue!
I’m afraid I’d really struggle to invite that child to anything after this.

Because the daughter’s reason to exclude her is as punishment; not because they aren’t friends.
If she wasn’t part of the friendship group it would be a different conversation.

Totally agree. I have 2 teenage girls, it is so difficult with friendship groups. I wouldn't be alienating this girl further, her mother seems to have no emotional intelligence, her life will be hard enough.

Dont continue the drama.

Well done to you (and the venue) for sticking to your guns.
Re: the house party invitation, I think it depends. I think there’s a different feel to withdrawing it as some kind of punishment for or consequence to the entitled and rude behaviour just seen, as opposed to your dd just not wanting to have her there because the friendship is done or there are social issues within the group connected to this particular member.
So yes, it comes down to you being led by your dd.
I think that maybe my preferred option (if you have the balls, which I reckon you do) is to allow her to come but message the mother privately explaining your thoughts about her rude behaviour but despite that, her dd can still attend the house party.

If you dd was going to invite her to the bigger party in the first place, then I would go ahead and invite her. It may be the mum making all the fuss and the poor girl is getting dragged into it all.

The 12 yo did drive herself to the party location and took it upon herself to argue with OP and the staff. She is a child. The adult who makes the decisions is her mum.

OP's DD should absolutely be part of the decision to invite her or not, but teaching her kindness if that girl is her FRIEND isn't telling her that her boundaries are irrelevant.

And?

Actions have consequences. The other girl behaved appallingly - how else would the mother know where to take her unless she had been whining on about not being invited and given her mum the info of where the party was?

So if OP's daughter decides she doesn't want her in her OWN HOME, then she has the right to make that decision.

Nice way to talk about a 12 year old child!

Absolutely this!

No advice but I can't believe the entitlement. It was clear she wasn't invited. I'm sorry, what an awkward experience for you and your daughter!

They are unbelievable CFs. I would not invite someone who behaved like this. The mother is off the scale. Do not reward the appalling behaviour. It's unfortunate for the child, but that is not your responsibility, OP.

Utterly bizarre and entitled behaviour from both mother and daughter here. You say secondary age but I’m assuming year 7 or 8, I don't think organised parties happen beyond that age so they’re very young still. The daughter was understandably upset to be left out so the mother asked you about it, that’s where any normal person would draw the line. The fact she kept pushing and then actually turned up and expected to be let in is just so embarrassing. I have no idea how people have the cajones to be so brazen.

I can't believe she had the neck to show up despite both you and dd telling them not to!

That is unhinged behaviour and I expect it will be around the whole social group soon. That poor child is not going to have any understanding of boundaries or self worth and is also likely to be ostracised by her peers.

That's not your dd's responsibility though - it is very firmly at her mother's door.

Is there any more to this? It seems bizarre for her to do this when most of the school group weren't going.

If it's your DD 12th birthday I'm guessing this is the first term of secondary, so the "group of 8" at secondary is relatively new/unestablished. Did the uninvited girl go to the same primary as your DD and the 3 girls "not from school" - is there a history here of her being more part of a primary school group with most of the girls who were invited?

The only time I've seen something like this was when a girl was trying to shake off a primary school acquaintance who'd been part of the group at primary but whom she basically didn't like.

I would revoke the invitation.
The girl's behaviour was poor and if she doesn't respond appropriately to words like "no" at age 12, she's a liability that I would not want the responsibility for looking after.

Ultimately the girl and her mother ruined the previous event and it's absolutely fair for OP's daughter to not want the girl there again.

People pleasing won't fix anything in the girl's life and OP's daughter shouldn't have to suffer the consequences to pander to cheeky fuckers. Long term understanding the word "no" and social boundaries will do her more favours.

It is absolutely fine not to invite this child. Support your DD and maintain boundaries. Doing otherwise just tells them to keep going as their methods work. DD is not asking for the girl to be excluded to be mean or rub it in her face but because this girl has now made her uncomfortable. She does sound like she would still turn up though.

OP please don't do this. It's nothing to do with the school.

Agreeing wholeheartedly with this.

Hope the next party is a total success.