Uninvited child turned up

[Imjustshockedx]

AIBU as I'm seriously shocked by this.

My DD had her 12th birthday a week ago.

What she wanted to do to celebrate, the max number we could have was 6 that included her. So she picked 5 other girls. 3 from outside of school and 2 from within school.

In school there are a group of 8 girls altogether and she's also friends with others who aren't part of the group.

One of the 8 girls we've known since primary. When this girl found out about the party, she told her mother and the mother messaged me asking if an invitation has gone missing and whether her child can go too. I explained as above regarding the max number and that only 2 children from school are invited, the other 3 being outside school. However I said my daughter wanted to get everyone together at some point round ours. She replied saying she feels it's unfair as her daughter hardly gets invited to any parties, only one of the other girls in the group did invite her daughter, and if I can accommodate her child. I replied saying how sorry I was but it's a max number.

The daughter found out where and when the party was and, on the day she turned up with her mother! I explained calmly the same as I responded in the message, however she said she's here now and all the girls are chatting. I spoke with my daughter to one side and asked if she had invited the uninvited child by mistake. She said no and that the child kept pestering her for an invite at school. I again apologised to the parent calmly as I didn't want a scene to be caused but she still wasn't having it. The party then began and they had to go into a different room in the back but the uninvited child still went to follow. At this point in my head I was beginning to get annoyed. When the staff member came to get them into the room I explained an invited child had turned up and the staff member was so lovely and dealt with it for me by speaking to the parent explaining the max number had been booked. As I walked into the private room for the event I could hear the parent complaining to the staff member and getting frustrated. Her daughter was also beginning to get angry as she wasn't going in. They eventually left. I apologised to the staff member and also thanked her. I explained she had previously messaged me.

These are secondary school children and I'm actually shocked they turned up. The uninvited child knew she wasnt invited and so did the mother as I explained it to her clearly on the messages.

I felt bad for the other child but 5 within their group weren't invited. The other children were fine with it and were excited for the day they were coming to our house. My daughter is now wanting to plan for the rest of the group to come to our house, however my daughter said she doesn't really want the uninvited child at our house now given how she acted turning up at the party uninvited.

So Mumsnet what would you do?

Oh god I got severe second hand embarrassment reading your post op! Jaw dropping.

Oh my word, PLEASE do not complain to the Headteacher and school counsellor about this as someone suggested! As a governor, the number of minor complaints which get escalated to us these days are going through the roof. This issue is nothing to do with the school.

What awful behaviour from the mother. It's beyond embarrassing. She clearly has issues, to not understand that her behaviour was unacceptable.

It's your daughter's choice who she invites to the bigger celebration, but I'd ask your daughter if there are any other issues with the girl normally at school. The pestering for an invite is crazy. Sounds like the child has some learning challenges.

I do think the mother is 100% at fault here, but knowing she wasn't invited, why did the child tell her mum in the first place. At 12, you're old enough to know that you HAVEN'T been invited.

Just out of sheer nosinesss on my part - did they show up with a gift and a card for your dd?

In your shoes I would support my daughters boundries and uninvite this girl, although I do feel a bit sorry for her.

Your dd is your priority and it's important she doesn't learn to put her own feelings aside, regardless of whatever bad behaviour there has been towards her.

I would go above and beyond to have made sure the child was accommodated. People are so mean these days.

Good old autocarrot sneaking in and stubbornly changing it back again just before you hit post -'university' should have said 'ungive'.

Bizarre suggestion.

I didn't read that as a complaint but as a heads-up for the sake of the girl. As a class teacher I would make time to talk this over with the girl so that she could understand what went wrong and what to do in the future. That is what the pastoral staff are there for.

Wow I feel sorry for the girl. Not for not being being invited, but for having such an odd mother that she’d teach her that it’s ok to come anyway, and then cause a scene.

I would still let her come to the larger group thing, it would be unfair to un-invite her now.

How strange, though, OP. Sorry you had that awkward encounter.

Mean? You mean like showing up somewhere you're clearly not invited on order to make someone uncomfortable on their birthday?

This child’s mother is modelling dreadful behaviour to her daughter. You don’t turn up to anything without an invite - you just don’t.

These people have no boundaries and therefore need to be avoided. They don’t understand social etiquette and think the world revolves around them.

Agree with this. It's a perfect chance to teach your daughter empathy. The mother sounds unhinged and who knows what this poor girl goes through on a daily basis. Don't exclude her on the basis of her mother's actions.

What an absolute disgrace of a mother, I’d have told her this quite happily and turned to the poor daughter she’s setting up for a lifetime of issues and said ‘I’m so sorry your mum has let you down on this. I’m sure she’s told you that you’ve been left out but I just want to let you know you haven’t been excluded, DD could only invite 2 school friends so it’s not personal, sweetheart. You’re very welcome to come to our house get-together for everyone who couldn’t make today’
What a fucking shit life she must have with such a disturbed mother poor thing!

Mean would be inviting every friend except one who was singled out not to be invited. That is NOT what happened, here.

Yes, this reminds me of the thread fron a little while back, where the young bully was devastated not to be invited to his victim's party.

People were saying how horrid and mean it was to exclude him, especially at such a young age; completely ignoring the other half or so of the class who - whilst perfectly nice - hadn't made the cut this time and weren't kicking off about it.

Another bizarre post.

This is great advice. They are only 12, if the group dynamics evolve and this girl is phased out over time it needs to happen naturally and organically within the group itself, not because her mother is a CF or because other mothers are manipulating the situation. This girl is likely to be deeply embarrassed by her mother. I was one such child like this and the social exclusion that proceeded from my mother’s batshittery, frankly, scarred me for life. So if you can find it within you to be kind and inclusive at the next gathering, you’d be a positive role model for both your DD and this child.

And please don’t engage in any rants and rebukes with the mother via text as other PP’s suggested, or involve other parents. It will fan the flames and feed whatever the mother’s ‘problem’ is. Just ignore.

I can barely believe what I’ve just read .
How embarrassing for everyone involved.
I think I might still invite this girl to the house for the birthday celebration but only after you’re talked it through with your daughter and she agrees .
Attempted party crasher girl has a very weird mum and she’s learning from her mum .

I am afraid nobody is looking at it from the childs point of view. I don't think it is very kind or nice to hand pick a few friends from a friendship group and deem them "worthy" of an invite to a party. If adults acted like this it would cause distress and upset, but we expect children just to "deal" with it. You really should have picked a better venue that took more people to avoid this kind of situation. As much as the other parent seemed unhinged in her behaviour, it actually does not show you or your daughter in a particularly good light either!

I feel sorry for the girl, not because of you though OP, because of her awful mother.

I disagree.

The celebrant is entitled to choose the event/activity for her birthday. She doesn't have to consider the WHOLE group, as she naturally has people that she's closer to in the group.

Turning up when you're not invited isn't acceptable at all. We need to put the blame where it lies.

This girl isn't the only one of the group who wasn't invited and there was a bigger party planned, yet he mother decided to bring her anyway.

That's bang out of order on every level.

There was a maximum number of people allowed. You think she should have sent someone else home to accommodate an uninvited person? How bizarre.

I think the mother is the problem here rather than the child.

no way the daughter would have done this if it was only up to her.

id invite her to the other party. Poor kid

Absolute claptrap. No one is entitled to an invitation to every social gathering. If she had invited this girl, what about the other 4 from the school group? By your logic, OP's daughter should have had a totally different party than the one she wanted (for 6) just to please others. As kids get older, parties get smaller. The not invited child needs to learn that kicking off doesn't make people like her or invite her. At 12, she is plenty old enough to understand this.

Tricky one - the after party I mean. I'd have fucked them both off immediately at the initial do.

Before deciding to invite or not on the second gathering I'd see how the atmosphere is or how contact is between them. I'd hope that they could be invited but it would depend on if the friendship is unscathed.