Uninvited child turned up

[Imjustshockedx]

AIBU as I'm seriously shocked by this.

My DD had her 12th birthday a week ago.

What she wanted to do to celebrate, the max number we could have was 6 that included her. So she picked 5 other girls. 3 from outside of school and 2 from within school.

In school there are a group of 8 girls altogether and she's also friends with others who aren't part of the group.

One of the 8 girls we've known since primary. When this girl found out about the party, she told her mother and the mother messaged me asking if an invitation has gone missing and whether her child can go too. I explained as above regarding the max number and that only 2 children from school are invited, the other 3 being outside school. However I said my daughter wanted to get everyone together at some point round ours. She replied saying she feels it's unfair as her daughter hardly gets invited to any parties, only one of the other girls in the group did invite her daughter, and if I can accommodate her child. I replied saying how sorry I was but it's a max number.

The daughter found out where and when the party was and, on the day she turned up with her mother! I explained calmly the same as I responded in the message, however she said she's here now and all the girls are chatting. I spoke with my daughter to one side and asked if she had invited the uninvited child by mistake. She said no and that the child kept pestering her for an invite at school. I again apologised to the parent calmly as I didn't want a scene to be caused but she still wasn't having it. The party then began and they had to go into a different room in the back but the uninvited child still went to follow. At this point in my head I was beginning to get annoyed. When the staff member came to get them into the room I explained an invited child had turned up and the staff member was so lovely and dealt with it for me by speaking to the parent explaining the max number had been booked. As I walked into the private room for the event I could hear the parent complaining to the staff member and getting frustrated. Her daughter was also beginning to get angry as she wasn't going in. They eventually left. I apologised to the staff member and also thanked her. I explained she had previously messaged me.

These are secondary school children and I'm actually shocked they turned up. The uninvited child knew she wasnt invited and so did the mother as I explained it to her clearly on the messages.

I felt bad for the other child but 5 within their group weren't invited. The other children were fine with it and were excited for the day they were coming to our house. My daughter is now wanting to plan for the rest of the group to come to our house, however my daughter said she doesn't really want the uninvited child at our house now given how she acted turning up at the party uninvited.

So Mumsnet what would you do?

I agree - but you'd think she'd have a bit of pushback by the age of 12, and outright refuse to go.

Then again, I suppose if she's been browbeaten over enough time, maybe she's just used to never saying No to her mum?

Being browbeaten could be the least of this girl’s worries. None of us knows what goes on behind closed doors.

This is like saying “Why doesn’t she just leave him?”.

I thought we’d evolved past blaming victims for their own abuse. Particularly children who have no real agency or real ability to push back against abusive parents.

It’s the very definition of punishment.

“the infliction or imposition of a restriction, financial penalty, form of suffering, or other undesired consequence for an offence.”

The offence being having a metal mum.

Also, they are kids; and it doesn’t matter your intent if it comes across as punishment /bullying/ostracisation. This kid has enough to deal with with her mum, the op and her dd have rightly chosen not to blatantly cut her out.

Sorry, I wasn't meaning to victim-blame at all. Just pondering as to whether the mum is the main instigator for her own satisfaction; whether it's the mum meaning to push her daughter forwards in the mistaken idea that she's helping her to get what she wants; or whether the daughter is an entitled brat (and granted, that would be down to poor parenting) who makes demands of her mum and she never says No.

I'd be interested to know how the conversation went between them once they learned that there was a birthday event on, but that she wasn't invited this time.

If her daughter wanted to uninvite her, distance herself or cut her off she wouldn’t be wrong to, either. You can have empathy for the girl without believing she’s owed the friendship of OP’s DD regardless of her own feelings on the matter.

Glad your dd is inviting her to your house

hope all goes well

Didn't mean to quote myself was trying to copy paste don't know how I did that. Sorry. So, yep, OP definitely did the right thing. Her daughter chose who she wanted at her party, the girl wasn't part of that choice. Everyone has a right to exclude people from their lives, parties, gatherings, homes etc - and it happens to all of us. Such is life. How cruel the other mother was to do this to her child - but the OP didn't cause that cruelty.

The bulldozer mother's behaviour was frankly barmy. While I do feel sorry for the child, having any contact with them beyond that required by politeness will escalate matters. You cannot be friends with a person who will not hear no for an answer.

OPs duty is to her kid. OPs daughter is not a body shield, or comfort blanket for a pushy, entitled mother and her child. She had a right to have a nice birthday with the friends she chose. I am glad OP politely insisted that the answer was still no.

OP must now follow her daughter's wishes and not invite the child her daughter does not want to be around to her daughter's home. OPs daughter's instincts are good, she knows instinctively that turning up despite repeated Nos and trying to bulldozer someone's clear and fair boundary is weird, abrasive, antisocial and unsettling.

We do not insist that adults be forced to tolerate other adults leeching onto them and let them into their own home and neither should we insist upon this for a child. All that teaches them is that #bekind is more important than our own boundaries.

The #bekind mentality - almost always aimed at females - causes immense harm. And it is rarely ever kind to the person who wants to say no.

I feel so sorry for this girl having a mother like that. Our job as parents is to teach our children how to navigate friendships and deal with disappointment with good grace. If her daughter was upset at not being invited, she should have been there to listen to her and comfort her, and perhaps offered to take her out for a coffee or a pizza that afternoon to make up for it. What you do not do though is bring her to the party where she will have to be rejected to her face. It's just really bad parenting and I feel sorry for her that with this woman setting the example she may never learn what good behaviour is, and is in for a lot more heartbreak if these sorts of situations continue

People don’t just suddenly become CF’s. It’s learned behaviour from a young age and it may not be ‘their fault’ but if it ‘works’ they will continue to do it. Establish the boundary now. The apple clearly doesn’t fall far from the tree.

We had a situation a few years ago where a friend of our DD was very over the top with respect to how she treated her- right down to going to the loo with her cos they should do everything ‘together’. That along with the love bombing meant DD had to, very bravely tho with encouragement from us, just say enough was enough and knock the whole thing on the head. The mother then called me to say it didn’t matter that my DD was feeling so uncomfortable because if DD didn’t fit in with what her child wanted, she would be upset and it wasn’t ‘fair’. It was mind boggling.

Having been through though, my DD has no problem establishing boundaries and in this day and age with all those out there looking to take advantage I am extremely pleased.