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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited child turned up

286 replies

Imjustshockedx · 20/12/2025 03:52

AIBU as I'm seriously shocked by this.

My DD had her 12th birthday a week ago.

What she wanted to do to celebrate, the max number we could have was 6 that included her. So she picked 5 other girls. 3 from outside of school and 2 from within school.

In school there are a group of 8 girls altogether and she's also friends with others who aren't part of the group.

One of the 8 girls we've known since primary. When this girl found out about the party, she told her mother and the mother messaged me asking if an invitation has gone missing and whether her child can go too. I explained as above regarding the max number and that only 2 children from school are invited, the other 3 being outside school. However I said my daughter wanted to get everyone together at some point round ours. She replied saying she feels it's unfair as her daughter hardly gets invited to any parties, only one of the other girls in the group did invite her daughter, and if I can accommodate her child. I replied saying how sorry I was but it's a max number.

The daughter found out where and when the party was and, on the day she turned up with her mother! I explained calmly the same as I responded in the message, however she said she's here now and all the girls are chatting. I spoke with my daughter to one side and asked if she had invited the uninvited child by mistake. She said no and that the child kept pestering her for an invite at school. I again apologised to the parent calmly as I didn't want a scene to be caused but she still wasn't having it. The party then began and they had to go into a different room in the back but the uninvited child still went to follow. At this point in my head I was beginning to get annoyed. When the staff member came to get them into the room I explained an invited child had turned up and the staff member was so lovely and dealt with it for me by speaking to the parent explaining the max number had been booked. As I walked into the private room for the event I could hear the parent complaining to the staff member and getting frustrated. Her daughter was also beginning to get angry as she wasn't going in. They eventually left. I apologised to the staff member and also thanked her. I explained she had previously messaged me.

These are secondary school children and I'm actually shocked they turned up. The uninvited child knew she wasnt invited and so did the mother as I explained it to her clearly on the messages.

I felt bad for the other child but 5 within their group weren't invited. The other children were fine with it and were excited for the day they were coming to our house. My daughter is now wanting to plan for the rest of the group to come to our house, however my daughter said she doesn't really want the uninvited child at our house now given how she acted turning up at the party uninvited.

So Mumsnet what would you do?

OP posts:
Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 20/12/2025 05:57

I would have asked the venue to squeeze the girl in if possible but then spoken to the mother another time. I wouldn’t blame the young person.

Tryingatleast · 20/12/2025 05:59

The mother sounded desperate but my god it’s scary that she and then the daughter went that far. I feel sorry for the child but then at the same time I agree if your child doesn’t want her there it’s her party. All a mess

Bearbookagainandagain · 20/12/2025 06:03

That's really weird!

For the get together, you and your daughter need to balance the consequences of not inviting this girl with your daughter wishes.

If it creates a rift in the group, it could impact your daughter at school too.

I personally feel sorry for this girl as well, it's her parents who are teaching her that level of entitlement. She's still relatively young and if she is otherwise a good friend to the group, it would be a harsh punishment for something her mum is ultimately responsible for.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 20/12/2025 06:05

I would go by what DD wants and have her back on it. The girl doesn't get to come to the other party if she doesn't want her there. I'd also warn the other mums about how this woman behaved. As they will certainly know already know now their daughters will have told them, but maybe only half the story.

Nevernonono · 20/12/2025 06:05

I’d probably gently encourage my child to invite her, the poor child is being led by her mother. She’s not got a chance if her own mother isn’t teaching her how to behave.

LBFseBrom · 20/12/2025 06:06

You'd booked for six children so had no choice but it seems odd that this child, who is a longstanding friend of your daughter, was not invited.

I initially thought she was having a party at home and maybe there was no room for more than six children, eg if you lived in a small flat, but that was not the case and I'm the venue could have accommodated more than six, if they are used to hosting parties.

The mother seems very pushy and rather embarrassing, I can't imagine taking my child anywhere not invited, or my child wanting to go in those circumstances. They are not six year olds. However I do feel sorry for the kid. I also wonder if it will be talked about at school, embarrassing for your girl.

Anyway t's over now, you'll have to just put it behind you.

Iris2020 · 20/12/2025 06:06

It's bordering on harrassment and stalking so I wouldn't invite the girl.to the party.

Isittimeformynapyet · 20/12/2025 06:13

Francestein · 20/12/2025 04:41

MyNameIsAlexDrake · Today 04:04
It was a shit position that you were put in at your DD party. However, if the other children are now going to be invited around to yours for the other party, you need to invite this child too. To exclude her would seem cruel now.
they’ve clearly got issues (mother and daughter) but let that play out at a future classmates party…

*OP had catered to the maximum capacity allowed and to allow this young woman to participate would have meant that someone else had to miss out. ALSO, it would have encouraged further bullying.

"young woman" 🙄

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/12/2025 06:21

DeftGoldHedgehog · 20/12/2025 06:05

I would go by what DD wants and have her back on it. The girl doesn't get to come to the other party if she doesn't want her there. I'd also warn the other mums about how this woman behaved. As they will certainly know already know now their daughters will have told them, but maybe only half the story.

Warn the other mums? And continue the drama?

Isthisit2025 · 20/12/2025 06:22

Very difficult situation. As much as it’s incredibly rude (I don’t think it’s normal behaviour) I feel for the 12 year old. I don’t think she is mature enough to deal with a pushy (unhinged) mother. A 12 year old girl (or boy) just wants to fit in with their peers. Hormones are raging. Experiences being shaped. This would have really affected me when I was 12. The child will now face an excruciating time back at school.

OP give the child a break here. Think from a 12 year old emotionally immature young girls perspective. You’ve no idea what her home life is like. Invite her to the gathering. It’s the Mother you need to put firmly in her place.

TaffetaPhrases · 20/12/2025 06:26

Valuable lesson here for your child about being forced to be polite and compliant.

Just tell them she isn’t invited
Their behaviour has been appalling

abracadabra1980 · 20/12/2025 06:26

The mother is to blame 100%. I'm so glad my dad taught me that in life, friendships can ebb and flow, and that 'you won't always be invited to every party'. Severe lack of emotional intelligence here.

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 20/12/2025 06:26

Isthisit2025 · 20/12/2025 06:22

Very difficult situation. As much as it’s incredibly rude (I don’t think it’s normal behaviour) I feel for the 12 year old. I don’t think she is mature enough to deal with a pushy (unhinged) mother. A 12 year old girl (or boy) just wants to fit in with their peers. Hormones are raging. Experiences being shaped. This would have really affected me when I was 12. The child will now face an excruciating time back at school.

OP give the child a break here. Think from a 12 year old emotionally immature young girls perspective. You’ve no idea what her home life is like. Invite her to the gathering. It’s the Mother you need to put firmly in her place.

I agree with this.
Excluding the daughter is punishment for having a difficult mother. And I think having a difficult mother in punishment enough for her.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 20/12/2025 06:30

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/12/2025 06:21

Warn the other mums? And continue the drama?

Show quote history

If one isn't coming to the next party out of eight of them I would want them to know from the horse's mouth why, rather than hear rumours. Two of them will have heard about what happened from their daughters already, if not more.

Orwellwasright2020 · 20/12/2025 06:34

pogletsbar · 20/12/2025 04:09

No, you don’t have to host parasites.
Actions have consequences.

Show quote history

Yup. This. They sound bloody nuts tbh. I feel really sorry for the child but absolutely would avoid these people forevermore. OP cannot fix whatever is wrong with the mother and it is abundantly clear it will escalate if she has anything to do with them at all.

CalculatingCrispen · 20/12/2025 06:34

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 20/12/2025 06:26

I agree with this.
Excluding the daughter is punishment for having a difficult mother. And I think having a difficult mother in punishment enough for her.

Show quote history

Why does the other girl's wanting to be included, trump OPs daughter's wish NOT to invite her?

You are suggesting she invites an unwanted girl because of the other mother's behaviour.

People pleasing at its finest

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 20/12/2025 06:41

Marynotcontrary · 20/12/2025 05:54

she didn’t exclude 1. Only 2 were invited from school

Show quote history

This, why do people think “no, your child shouldn’t have the party they want, they need to cater for everyone else”! Suppose it’s the same as weddings on mn! “Absolutely not sure you have an intimate wedding at a boutique hotel with your nearest and dearest.. if it’s jam sandwiches in the church hall so you can invite 2nd cousin twice removed Betsy and her dh and 7 dc, plus grandmas friends from yoga, THATS what you should be doing!!!”

PInkyStarfish · 20/12/2025 06:44

I’d message the mother and say -

Due to your unhinged behaviour and encouraging your child Daphne to act similarly, Daphne is no longer invited to our home.

Block her and encourage your child to drop Daphne as she and her mother are only going to cause trouble.

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 20/12/2025 06:48

We have no idea that it’s down to the mother. Yes she may be facilitating the chuld’s behaviour, but anyone who has had a twelve year old absolutely knows they are capable of manipulative behaviour.

By forcing the DD to invite her she is being taught that manipulation gets her what she wants, and the DD is learning that her boundaries are irrelevant in the face of manipulation.

loveev · 20/12/2025 06:48

This reminds me of when my child was in primary school. A party was happening (my child wasn’t invited as she didn’t play with birthday child, fair enough ) I was speaking to another parent who was annoyed her child hadn’t got an invitation. The parent then informed me she was just going to turn up to the party anyway. I managed to convince her this was a bad idea . But I couldn’t quite believe she even thought to do this .

MoodyMargaret11 · 20/12/2025 06:50

PInkyStarfish · 20/12/2025 06:44

I’d message the mother and say -

Due to your unhinged behaviour and encouraging your child Daphne to act similarly, Daphne is no longer invited to our home.

Block her and encourage your child to drop Daphne as she and her mother are only going to cause trouble.

This 100%

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 20/12/2025 06:50

I would let your dd decide.

Dontyoulooktired · 20/12/2025 06:52

God, I had a mother like that. I couldn’t sing for shit so was never picked to sing at school events. She used to frogmatch me to them at the village hall/church and Make me go on stage anyway. I was a laughing stock.

She also did this once when I was about 8 and wasn’t invited to a party- took me anyway. Mortified. She died when I was 11, but I guarantee she would have carried that shit on.

I know this is different as the child was also demanding to be let in as well - but she’s probably learned that from years of this shitty behaviour from her mother.

But OP - don’t leave her out of the other party. Teenage girls can be really fucking nasty. You never know if something will happen in the group over the next year or so and not inviting her will come back to bite your dd on the arse, making her the villain (I also have experience of that and it was hell).

The mother’s behaviour was incredibly rude, yes the kid was also there, but I doubt she would have turned up without the mum, so it’s on her. But just invite her to the next thing.

QuietLifeNoDrama · 20/12/2025 06:53

As others have said this is seriously unhinged behaviour from the mother. I don’t think your DD should be forced to invite this other girl to the next gathering but you need to be honest as to why. Actions do have consequences, it’s a good life lesson that you can’t just bully your way into being invited. If you do leave this girl out though both you and your daughter need to give a consistent message that their behaviour at the birthday party means that you no longer wish for her to attend.

Lairymary · 20/12/2025 06:54

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 20/12/2025 05:57

I would have asked the venue to squeeze the girl in if possible but then spoken to the mother another time. I wouldn’t blame the young person.

Why reward shitty behaviour? They will never learn that they can't behave like that. Presumably the fact that the venue said no and dealt with it, then it absolutely wasn't an option. Probably due to health and safety or that fact a set amount was paid to do the activity, why should they bully their way in??