Uninvited child turned up

[Imjustshockedx]

AIBU as I'm seriously shocked by this.

My DD had her 12th birthday a week ago.

What she wanted to do to celebrate, the max number we could have was 6 that included her. So she picked 5 other girls. 3 from outside of school and 2 from within school.

In school there are a group of 8 girls altogether and she's also friends with others who aren't part of the group.

One of the 8 girls we've known since primary. When this girl found out about the party, she told her mother and the mother messaged me asking if an invitation has gone missing and whether her child can go too. I explained as above regarding the max number and that only 2 children from school are invited, the other 3 being outside school. However I said my daughter wanted to get everyone together at some point round ours. She replied saying she feels it's unfair as her daughter hardly gets invited to any parties, only one of the other girls in the group did invite her daughter, and if I can accommodate her child. I replied saying how sorry I was but it's a max number.

The daughter found out where and when the party was and, on the day she turned up with her mother! I explained calmly the same as I responded in the message, however she said she's here now and all the girls are chatting. I spoke with my daughter to one side and asked if she had invited the uninvited child by mistake. She said no and that the child kept pestering her for an invite at school. I again apologised to the parent calmly as I didn't want a scene to be caused but she still wasn't having it. The party then began and they had to go into a different room in the back but the uninvited child still went to follow. At this point in my head I was beginning to get annoyed. When the staff member came to get them into the room I explained an invited child had turned up and the staff member was so lovely and dealt with it for me by speaking to the parent explaining the max number had been booked. As I walked into the private room for the event I could hear the parent complaining to the staff member and getting frustrated. Her daughter was also beginning to get angry as she wasn't going in. They eventually left. I apologised to the staff member and also thanked her. I explained she had previously messaged me.

These are secondary school children and I'm actually shocked they turned up. The uninvited child knew she wasnt invited and so did the mother as I explained it to her clearly on the messages.

I felt bad for the other child but 5 within their group weren't invited. The other children were fine with it and were excited for the day they were coming to our house. My daughter is now wanting to plan for the rest of the group to come to our house, however my daughter said she doesn't really want the uninvited child at our house now given how she acted turning up at the party uninvited.

So Mumsnet what would you do?

Wow that's really bizarre and I'm sorry that happened. I would respect your daughters wishes and not invited this child round now. You can explain to her mother that it was shocking behaviour and made you feel uncomfortable. The entitlement of some people never ceases to amaze me

No experience of this but interested in other’s thoughts about this

Now you know why they are seldom invited anywhere. No manners but a raging sense of entitlement
What you do next? Difficult. You've effectively invited her child to the get together at yours. However, it is your dd's party and she gets to choose who attends.
I'd say nothing for a week and then ask your dd who she wants to invite. Be guided by her choices.

It was a shit position that you were put in at your DD party. However, if the other children are now going to be invited around to yours for the other party, you need to invite this child too. To exclude her would seem cruel now.

they’ve clearly got issues (mother and daughter) but let that play out at a future classmates party…

No, you don’t have to host parasites.
Actions have consequences.

what odd behaviour! It reminds me of a school friend many years ago who - although her and her mother never did this - might have been capable of it. She ended up with no friends and even now (at close to 40), still lives with her mother.

Although it seems cruel to now uninvite her from the gathering, I would be guided by your daughter. There's a reason she isn't invited to many events and there's also a strong possibility that this child will end up friendless as the years go on - thanks to her mothers influence. very sad.

Thats unhinged behaviour by any CF standard!! Especially for secondary school!

I think you should send an email to the school counsellor and head teacher about this situation. Explain everything as per your post and explain to them that the mother's entitled behaviour may cause social problems for her daughter in the future.

Bizarre behaviour. Her mother is doing her no favours thinking she can enforce herself on people uninvited when there is no space. I can't believe she wouldn't feel no shame doing this whatsoever.

It's your daughters birthday, she obviously feels upset that this child (even if she was spured on by the mother) has caused a scene at 1 of hee birthday events. If she don't want her there now, don't blame her, and you can't over rule that.

I'd worry this mother sounds controlling and overbearing and the daughter seems to be following in the same way, by how she forcefully pressured the details from your DD leading upto it. I dont think many teenagers would be happy to risk upsetting their peers unless they have reached their limits

MyNameIsAlexDrake · Today 04:04
It was a shit position that you were put in at your DD party. However, if the other children are now going to be invited around to yours for the other party, you need to invite this child too. To exclude her would seem cruel now.
they’ve clearly got issues (mother and daughter) but let that play out at a future classmates party…

*OP had catered to the maximum capacity allowed and to allow this young woman to participate would have meant that someone else had to miss out. ALSO, it would have encouraged further bullying.

Wow the CF - I think to exclude one of eight now would be very mean… even if mother and daughter are disgustingly self-centred and rude. The audacity of the mum to say well she never gets invited anywhere…. What did she think would happen that you would boot someone else her her precious spawn

The staff sound amazing at your venue most places would have shrugged and let you handle the argument with the mum so I’d be giving them a glowing review.

No the child does not need to invited, the answer is the mother needs help that is not the responsibility of the op

I would assume this child has been on the edges of the group for a while if she isn't getting invited to many other parties either. She may be challenging socially (maybe she's ND in a way that makes it difficult for her, or maybe it's just that she has a batshit mother who's brought her up to be entitled and annoying) or she may just need to find friends who she fits in with better.

Your DD is in secondary so it should be her decision whether she invites the girl to her party or not. But I would remind her that what she does could have ramifications with the whole group of 8. That the girl's mother may have been the instigator. And that a one off incident (if that's what it is) is normally worth forgiving, not ramping things up over. But she will know the girl better than you and will have to live with what happens, so it needs to be her decision.

I very much doubt this other child would have turned up uninvited to your DD’s party without her mother, and I wouldn’t mind betting that the fact that she pestered your DD for an invitation in the first place was at her mother’s instigation. Are you going to punish the child for the sins of her parent? I’d find out from your DD whether she really doesn’t want to invite her, or whether your DD is following your lead - it is easy to influence our offspring without thinking we’re doing so, and I’m sure you would have commented on the frankly outrageous behaviour of trying to gatecrash a party to which she had explicitly not been invited. It would be a little pointed not to invite this child if she’s one of a “group” - unless the house visit is imminent, I’d wait a little and ask your dad again whether she wants to invite this girl. If she’s still part of “the group”, though, I can see that it might be difficult to exclude her on this occasion.

This is a very bizarre situation. I have been contacted by a parent asking if an invitation had gone astray (which it actually had, the whole class had been invited), but never had someone turn up regardless. I would try and handle it as sensitively as possible for the sake of the child. She is mirroring her mother’s behaviour, but doesn’t deserve to be ostracised for it moving forward.

The (uninvited) daughter is learning terrible behaviour from her mother.

Because what rational, decent mother still takes her child to a party of ANY SIZE OR SORT when she obviously knows she isn’t invited and then argues first with the mum of the host child and THEN with somebody at the host venue??

I feel sorry for any little girl who has a mother like that.

I remember a thousand years ago when I turned 12 - my parents let me have a slumber party, my first and only one. I think we were a group of about 10-12 silly little girls, all in our sleeping bags in the back yard.
Oh - and my big scary dog there to protect us.
So anyhow, early the next morning, my mum and sister were up early fixing breakfast - and they were frying bacon, and lots of it.
My one friend wandered through the kitchen and said to them, “Well, at my house, my mother has breakfast on the table at 7 sharp. She had one sister, besides her parents.
Later on, my mom said she almost exploded - because here they were, cooking breakfast for TWELVE little girls, and it was 7;30am.
It made me mad, too.
But that was a really great birthday.
Thanks, Mom - I miss you ❤️

If they are all close friends you should of chose something different to do so they could could all attend,I don’t think it was nice to exclude one.

I knew 2 mothers like that, with kids the same age as my DD, who's now 20. Insufferable CFs.

If your DD doesn't want her there, then she doesn't get an invite 🤷‍♀️ I would send a text to the mother explaining that because of her perceived entitlement to be invited and her unhinged bullying behaviour, her daughter isn't invited.

I'm sure it won't be the end of it....

She didn’t exclude one - only 2/8 from school were invited and the other 5 were fine with not being invited only CF and CF daughter were upset at not being invited

She needs to invite the other child too?

I’m not here to say she should or should not.

I’m here to say that that decision is entirely up to @Imjustshockedxand her daughter.

They know best.

My apologies,iv not woken up properly yet.

You need to support your dd here. If you dont you are teaching her its okay to have her boundaries pushed even if it makes her uncomfortable..I cannot believe I just read this. Its absolute crazy entitled behaviour on behalf of the mother and child. I suspect there is a good reason she doesn't get invited to many parties..

she didn’t exclude 1. Only 2 were invited from school

The child is 12. Plenty old enough to understand about boundaries, regardless of what her mother is telling her or how she's acting. Your daughter set a boundary and the other girl ignored it repeatedly. If your daughter doesn't want her at her other get together, she doesn't go. You do need to help your daughter communicate this so you're not going through the mother. Any further communication from the mother to you should be pushed back as 'this is between DD and your daughter. I'm supporting her to learn how to manage relationships independently from me. I won't be answering any further messages about this.'

Back in the day my own mother would behave in this manner. She simply didn’t get friendship, but was hot on mixing with what she referred to as the right people. She didn’t understand why I’d want any friends: “but what do you do with them?” never had a friend and regarded herself as above everyone else. I was frogmarched into many an excruciating situation, but would have refused at my peril.

The girl is mixing with others in school everyday, she knows how she should be behaving around her friends.

The CF mother isn’t interested in her child’s friendships, she is an entitled snob and you and your DD’s friendship group have been deemed the right people. She will cost her poor daughter many friendships, but isolation may well be her aim.