Uninvited child turned up

[Imjustshockedx]

AIBU as I'm seriously shocked by this.

My DD had her 12th birthday a week ago.

What she wanted to do to celebrate, the max number we could have was 6 that included her. So she picked 5 other girls. 3 from outside of school and 2 from within school.

In school there are a group of 8 girls altogether and she's also friends with others who aren't part of the group.

One of the 8 girls we've known since primary. When this girl found out about the party, she told her mother and the mother messaged me asking if an invitation has gone missing and whether her child can go too. I explained as above regarding the max number and that only 2 children from school are invited, the other 3 being outside school. However I said my daughter wanted to get everyone together at some point round ours. She replied saying she feels it's unfair as her daughter hardly gets invited to any parties, only one of the other girls in the group did invite her daughter, and if I can accommodate her child. I replied saying how sorry I was but it's a max number.

The daughter found out where and when the party was and, on the day she turned up with her mother! I explained calmly the same as I responded in the message, however she said she's here now and all the girls are chatting. I spoke with my daughter to one side and asked if she had invited the uninvited child by mistake. She said no and that the child kept pestering her for an invite at school. I again apologised to the parent calmly as I didn't want a scene to be caused but she still wasn't having it. The party then began and they had to go into a different room in the back but the uninvited child still went to follow. At this point in my head I was beginning to get annoyed. When the staff member came to get them into the room I explained an invited child had turned up and the staff member was so lovely and dealt with it for me by speaking to the parent explaining the max number had been booked. As I walked into the private room for the event I could hear the parent complaining to the staff member and getting frustrated. Her daughter was also beginning to get angry as she wasn't going in. They eventually left. I apologised to the staff member and also thanked her. I explained she had previously messaged me.

These are secondary school children and I'm actually shocked they turned up. The uninvited child knew she wasnt invited and so did the mother as I explained it to her clearly on the messages.

I felt bad for the other child but 5 within their group weren't invited. The other children were fine with it and were excited for the day they were coming to our house. My daughter is now wanting to plan for the rest of the group to come to our house, however my daughter said she doesn't really want the uninvited child at our house now given how she acted turning up at the party uninvited.

So Mumsnet what would you do?

Mum is insane to have turned up at venue

staff sound amazing and should get a great review on business page

she wasn’t the only one out of the 8 not invited. 5 others weren’t

I would invite all to house for pizza - it’s not the child’s fault she has a pushy mum

I imagine it was something like an escape room and entirely appropriate to have a firm upper number on that and well done to the employee for managing the situation.

I would probably still have the child over, firstly she might be different without her mother and secondly you never know how the dynamics will go with yr7 friendships and you don't want your dd to be the one stranded by the group for being unkind by uninviting. It leaves your dd on the moral high ground. If she has already been invited and knows the details she will probably turn up anyway. I would though be watching the dynanics as carefully as you can without treading on your dd toes, and continue to be a sounding board for your dd and reassure her that she doesn't need to invite her in the future.

If there was any moaning/ bitching at the party I would be very quick to txt the mother and say she isn't happy and to please collect early. Ideally I would have a spare adult (e.g. your dh) around in case you need to drive her (or anyone else) home. I realise that isn't always possible though.

This does though rely on your dd's assessment of the current group dynamics, how much the girl is generally liked in the group. One of mine tollerates another once a year for parties because of the popularity in the wider friendship group. For smaller more informal gatherings they are not invited. Fortunately the other child is begining to migrate to other friends anyway.

Why, something to consider? So as to cater to batshit, entitled people like this parent?

Not everyone is invited to everything. That’s fine.

The issue here is parents who pander to their DC, who then expect/need everyone else to do the same.

Again - WHY does her wants trump OP's daughter's?

She already tried to get an invite, found out all the details, turned up with her Mum, the Mum tried to get her daughter into the private party and had to be spoken to by the venue staff?! They BOTH tried to ruin DD's party and you STILL feel the girl should be rewarded by being invited to OP's house?

CFs don't sprout from nothing you know. They are made by people like you doing the #bekind act, when in reality they should be educated at a young age that forcing yourself rudely into someone else's space results in invites being rescinded, and people NOT wanting you there.

All people like you do is facilitate rudeness and actually you are being very unkind in not allowing this young girl to learn a valuable lesson in manners and social boundaries that will stand her in good stead.

That's an awful thing for them to do to you and your dd on her birthday. What a sense of entitlement to turn up when they were clearly told they weren't invited.

I'd be really torn on whether to continue the invite to the house party now. Perhaps leave it to nearer the time and see how your dd feels then. I suspect whether it blows over in the schoold friendship group will depend on the friend's behaviour when they see each other again. If she still doesn't want her there then she doesn't come.

But this girl (and more importantly her mum) need to understand that you can't bully people into including you. And if you behave like a entitled brat, people aren't going to want to include you.

The mother of this DC is the root cause of this batshittery and awful behaviour.

Parents need to help disappointed DC navigate through these NFI (not f-ing invited) situations.

I had one the other week with my DC. He wasn't invited. He wanted to go but I explained that this DC could only invite 5 people and he didn't make the cut. Unfortunately, that's life. He was fine.

This mother just perpetuated her DD's disappointment, not only contacting @Imjustshockedx beforehand but just turning up anyway. Nuts. They've handled this very immaturely.

Is this girl (and her mum) socially awkward?
I am with your DD, I am not sure if I would want her at my house either but this could be an opportunity to show kindness, particularly if the rest of the school group friends are there

Honestly given how desperate the mom was for her to be included. I think I would ask her. It would feel a bit mean to me.
utterly bizarre behaviour from the mom though.

What the actual fuck is wrong with people.

I'd ask DD to think really carefully about whether this girl is a good friend so she doesn't act on impulse and uninvite her to make you happy - because of how you were (rightly) so cross with her mother.

If she doesnt want her there I would send the mother the following message -

"Sue, I am still really shocked that you bought Amber to DD party when I told you not to. This isnt just bad manners, it was quite deranged behaviour given i already explained that there was no space. Amber had to go through the subsequent embarrassment of being asked to leave when the activities started. Ive spoken to DD and shes also quite upset by the whole thing and due to a combination of your actions and my DD feelings, im afraid I am uninviting Amber from DD get together at ours on the 23rd. I am sorry if this upsets Amber. Please do not come to my house and cause a further scene on the day, i will not be polite about asking you to leave."

I feel shit for the girl, but her mothers crazy and for this girl to go along with the crazy also indicates she has no understanding of boundaries - which doesnt bode well for friendship with your DD.

If your daughter has said she doesn’t want this child in her home no, I wouldn’t invite her. They are at secondary school, not young children, she’s old enough to make that decision. I would never force my kid to socialise with someone they didn’t want to in their own home.

I wouldn’t stay friends with someone who didn’t respect my boundaries so why should she have to.

Thats absolutely horrendous behaviour from the mother!
Her poor child. The embarrassment for her must be humiliating. It was her mums job to help her deal with the fact that life is full of disappointments and that we cant always get our own way. No wonder she doesn't get many invites. Its probably about her mother's conduct more than the child not being liked.
You dis the right thing BTW. The worst outcome would have been to entertain thos type of behaviour by letting them stay.

I think the mother is desperate for her child to have friends but dear lord, this is not the way to do it. Your dd needs to be allowed to choose If this friend comes to the house party. I’d have a chat with the mum, possibly, but how awkward, tho it’s her own stupid fault.

Yes, I agree with this 👆
They aren't nice people. I'd do what your daughter wants. If she doesn't want her there, then she doesn't get invited. I would send a message explaining why you've decided to not invite her.

God help the first boyfriend of the uninvited girl. Sounds deranged.

So you think this behaviour should be rewarded, because of how extreme it is?

I doubt very much if this is the first time this stunt has been pulled.

I expect this has been done for years and the #bekinders have allowed it, thus kicking the can down the road for other people to cope with = other children to expect to become people pleasers.

Which is why it has carried on.

OP had the backbone to say No and keep to it. Hopefully teaching mini CF a valuable lesson.

Don’t continue the drama or exclude the girl - rise above and teach your child to be magnanimous. The friendship will naturally fade if the weirdness continues but excluding her from the next event is too much drama and could be cruel depending on how much say she really has with the mum’s behaviour. The kind thing to do would be to include her and support her a bit, she probably really needs community and other adult role models. I would never ever want to be responsible for the social exclusion of a young teenager as it can have dire consequences - allowing your child to become “queen bee” and leave out 1 girl of group of 8 will also have ramifications. Teach forgiveness and generosity.

Secondary age? Wow I thought for most of your post this was 6 year olds.

Batshit parent, keep well away. I actually feel sorry for the gate crasher child, what is living with a batshit parent like for that poor child.

5 other friends weren’t invited. Read the post.

Id be giving them both a wide berth. Mum should apologise. It’s not the kids fault granted but at secondary school Age I’m surprised she wasn’t embarrassed at mum taking her up there never mind getting angry.

no thanks.

I’d be hoping my daughter pulled away from the girl and didn’t extend an invite to my home.

That’s some really poor parenting on the mothers behalf.

I think anything major would make its way back to you anyhow. I dont think you need to start a big gossipy witch hunt amongst 7 sets of parents about this.

That mum is unhinged. No one in their right mind behaves like that! Id say its done and dusted, forget about it, hopefully she is super embarrased and wont mention it again.

It wasn't 7 out of the 8, it was 2 (I think) the others were friends from out of school.

How did the uninvited child react - not the mother. If she was entitled and forceful then it would be a no from me. If she was embarrassed /reluctant etc then I would suggest rolling the dice once more with them but only for the girl. I would struggle to invite them anywhere again personally - they massively overstepped all boundaries so are unpredictable

I wouldnt invite her to your home either, wouldn’t be suprised if your daughter distants herself.

I feel bad for the girl but would let your daughter decide.

From what has been written I'm not quite sure if it's all on the mum or a combination!

If the daughter has apologised that might be something, but if she keep insisting then she sounds as bad as her mum!

Unfortunately there might be a reason she doesn't ge invited & the answer to that isn't to gatecrash!