Would you forgive this?

[charlotte82]

Hello, I desperately need other people’s perspectives as my mental health has taken a battering and I’m struggling to know what to do.
Been with husband 18 years and we have two children together.
He has been sacked from his job due to sexual harassment. We’ve never had issues with anything before, or him with work.
Hes been saying sexual words at work, saying that colleagues are attractive and fit and in good shape. Comments on customers bodies, saying her boobs are massive, she’s really fit and attractive. This one girl at work has raised this all about him but there are witnesses to the comments. Apparently he’s quite touchy feely with her, only stuff like hand on shoulder when talking, brushing her hair away to look at her earring etc. But she obviously feels so uncomfortable to have brought it to this point.
He hasn’t cheated and I don’t believe he has or would! Although on the flip side I would never in a million years have thought that he’d say these things at work either.
This is a massive trigger for me, cheating and trust issues. It’s plagued me for my whole life and I did have therapy when younger due to boyfriends cheating on me etc.
How am I ever going to be able to move past this without constantly thinking now that he’s looking at other people or I’m not good enough, slim enough etc.
Please, please tell me what you’d do in my situation. My head is scrambled and I don’t know what is the right thing to do for our children and my own well-being.

I am surprised that you say he is looking at other women and he thinks you are not good enough for him. Your husband has been accused of sexual harassment and inappropriate behaviour at his workplace. Do you realise the magnitude of this allegation? This is not him cheating on you because he doesn't fancy you. He has engaged in predatory behaviour with multiple women. And you have to be prepared to deal with repercussions of that as a family, which may be that you decide to separate from him.

I would be more worried about him being a creep and not knowing boundaries then you not being good enough for him...

He's a sex pest. Get rid

He's sexually harassing both his coworkers and customers and he is putting his hands on at least one coworker.

Medical check if this is sudden new behaviour but it it sounds like there's multiple witnesses to his behaviour. I also think if it was a neuro issue there would be other signs and symptoms than just him harassing women at work.

You'd better read the report about his firing and find out what kind of man your husband is. Get therapy if you feel you need it.

Not at all. I genuinely don’t know how they have come to the decision and even his union rep has complained that there is no grounds for it. Because it’s sexual harassment and the law changed last year there is a greater responsibility on employers and as far as I can see they’ve shit a brick and just ignored the evidence. They’re a massive company as well with clear processes but they’ve just ignored them. I can’t go into the specifics as it would be very outing. Our solicitor has reviewed the evidence and we are proceeding to ET. If you look online there are a lot of judgements out there where employers just get it wrong.
Overnight my world was turned upside down when my husband was suspended and so understand how the op feeling. For those that are going to jump in and tell me I’m naive, I’m not. I used to work in an HR style environment and was often appointed to investigate grievances including sexual harassment. I have seen all of the paperwork and even listened to the allegations when he had the disciplinary as it was on teams, so nothing has been kept from me. Some times people do lie - I’m sure in most cases this isn’t true but it does happen.
We will also be taking legal action against the complaint and she left my husband suicidal at being falsely accused.

I'm sorry he's done this to you and your family op.

I think what he's done is worse than cheating as well given it was non consensual and made another person deeply uncomfortable. I personally couldn't get past this. He's put his own desires and need for control and intimidation (because that's what this really boils down to) ahead of you and your family and the wellbeing of a young woman. The other problem is that you can't trust him not to do this again and in all honesty I would see this as being on the spectrum of cheating.

Good for her for reporting it. I think you look into how you can leave him, get your ducks quietly in a row and you walk away with your head held high. You remember that you've nothing to be ashamed about and this is entirely on him.

Im so sorry, this is absolutely awful and in so many ways worse than just cheating. Set an example for children, and respect yourself and get away from him. I could never forgive it. He has obviously made colleagues extremely uncomfortable and I'm sure the customers too if they heard him commenting on them. He is a disgusting pest. I am so so sorry you have to go through this x

Im so sorry, this is absolutely awful and in so many ways worse than just cheating. Set an example for children, and respect yourself and get away from him. I could never forgive it. He has obviously made colleagues extremely uncomfortable and I'm sure the customers too if they heard him commenting on them. He is a disgusting pest. I am so so sorry you have to go through this x

I’m sorry about what happened to your husband.

But with all kindness to you, people are getting very fixated on the idea that his behaviour has suddenly changed. There’s no evidence at all that this has happened. All the OP has said is that she didn’t know it was happening and there is no precedent.

Thats hardly surprising given that professional creeps tend to keep this behaviour away from their family. People are over interpreting this comment to imply he’s had an abrupt personality change. I don’t think this is the case at all, it just hasn’t come to light before.

I don’t mean to be insensitive towards people whose loved ones have gone through neurological illnesses or dementia but in this case this is total grasping at straws.

If this guy really thinks he may have a neurological disorder of some sort you can bet your sweet ass he will use it to defend himself. The OP should not be being pressured to assume there is a benign explanation to this and it is not her job, on top of everything else she is dealing with, to scratch around looking for an (implausible) medical excuse.

There almost certainly isn’t a medical reason for this, he’s just a sleazy shit and the quicker she makes peace with this, the quicker she can act to protect herself.

He's only not cheated because none of them were interested. You need to wake up OP. I am sorry.

Has he always worked there or is this a newish job? I’m just wondering if this is how he’s always behaved at work but this is a new environment where it’s quite rightly not being tolerated.
His behaviour has been witnessed by others and they have stood up and said that the accusations are true. If he has worked there for sometime and isn’t in a probationary period he wouldn’t be able to just be sacked out of the blue, he would have had a warnings verbal/ written.
I find it very difficult to believe that a bloke has never behaved like this before in any area of his life ie when out with mates etc suddenly starts making totally inappropriate comments and physically touching someone by touching their hair etc
He has made someone feel so uncomfortable they have raised an official complaint, he’s used sexual words at work and commented on customer’s appearances.
This has nothing to do with cheating and everything about objectifying women, any woman that he’s come into contact with by the sounds of it, it’s gross….
Im guessing he’s not denying it if you’ve been told the amount of information you have. This isn’t a case of ‘Sandra has told the boss I’ve been touching her, but I absolutely haven’t, no one is backing up her claims and everyone says my behaviour is always exemplary, but they’ve sacked me’
This sounds like ‘Sandra has made an official complaint about me touching her, other colleagues have seen me do it and heard me make derogatory comments about customers as well as using sexualised language in the work place, so I’ve been sacked’.
Not sure how you are going to be able to move past it even if he is fully denying it, because it’s not a case of he said/she said. He’s also put your family at risk because I’m guessing you need his wages coming in, not many households can survive on just one income in today’s economic climate.
I guess where you go from here depends on what he has to say about it…

Also just want to say you absolutely cannot trust him, its not just a few comments, he is touching a woman he works with when it is unwanted. He is brushing her hair away etc think about how you would feel if a colleague done this to you, it is a very intimate move. He is a pervert. You will never be able to trust him. And also think about what he is, not what he thinks of you...you are way too good for him. The fact your response is to worry if you're skinny enough after finding out your husband is a pervert and predator is honestly worrying, but likely just shows how bad he has been for your self esteem. You are much too good for him.

This. He hasn’t merely said sexual words, he has sexually harassed women. Be worried for your kids and leave him for their sake.

I agree with this, imo it’s worse than cheating,

Good luck OP, it’s got to end.

@charlotte82 is your DM being sent in the hope that you can prove to yourself that your husband has faced unfair dismissal?

If he didn't sexually abuse co-workers, wouldn't it be best if he employed a solicitor to help prove his innocence?

The excuses that some women are prepared to make for men's behaviour never fails to shock me.

It's not just a few comments, it's unwanted physical advances. Brushing her hair away to see her earring? That made me shudder, that is really intimate, 100 percent coming on to her and totally inappropriate. This girl must have felt so unbelievably uncomfortable, that behaviour towards her from a much older, presumably senior male.

He's getting off on making sexual remarks to women, and they are a really so e people here that are trying to excuse this perve by saying he might be ill...omg please 😂😂😂

@charlotte82 you don't have trust issues, do not make this your problem.

Your husband is a sexual predator. I'd leave and fast. He is deeply deeply inappropriate and I'm sure this isn't the first time.

Blows my mind too.

Lets apply Occams Razor.

What is the simplest explananation that requires the fewest assumptions? That he is a manky perv.

All these neurological suggestions simply do not stand up against the cold hard facts that in order to get sacked there would need to be multiple corroborated incidences of harrassment, and he has been sacked. They dont stand up against the fact that he has admitted it. They dont stand up against the fact that the lack of boundaries and awareness that can happen with certain brain issues or illnesses are usually far more obvious and worrying than the intimate actions and words he has carried out.

So if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then its a lying manky old pervy cunt who deserves kicking to the kerb.

Yes and considering the OP's husband has witnesses that said his complainant was not lying, I can't understand how it's similar and why the OP has messaged that poster.

Probably because the op would appreciate talking to someone with compassion and who is offering support rather than a kicking.

And yet she chose AIBU rather than Relationships, Chat or Employment.

I know. The fact that dozens of people are trying to suggest that a world-class lech who has left his family financially up shit creek because he couldn't stop being handsy with women in the office could be having some neurological crisis is pretty mind-blowing.

Nah, it takes a lot for a woman to report this type of behaviour.