Would you forgive this?

[charlotte82]

Hello, I desperately need other people’s perspectives as my mental health has taken a battering and I’m struggling to know what to do.
Been with husband 18 years and we have two children together.
He has been sacked from his job due to sexual harassment. We’ve never had issues with anything before, or him with work.
Hes been saying sexual words at work, saying that colleagues are attractive and fit and in good shape. Comments on customers bodies, saying her boobs are massive, she’s really fit and attractive. This one girl at work has raised this all about him but there are witnesses to the comments. Apparently he’s quite touchy feely with her, only stuff like hand on shoulder when talking, brushing her hair away to look at her earring etc. But she obviously feels so uncomfortable to have brought it to this point.
He hasn’t cheated and I don’t believe he has or would! Although on the flip side I would never in a million years have thought that he’d say these things at work either.
This is a massive trigger for me, cheating and trust issues. It’s plagued me for my whole life and I did have therapy when younger due to boyfriends cheating on me etc.
How am I ever going to be able to move past this without constantly thinking now that he’s looking at other people or I’m not good enough, slim enough etc.
Please, please tell me what you’d do in my situation. My head is scrambled and I don’t know what is the right thing to do for our children and my own well-being.

You think sexual harassment of women by men in the workplace and a man losing the family’s income through selfishness are “a bit of fun”? I would hate to hear what you consider a dealbreaker…

He hasn’t cheated and I don’t believe he has or would!

Obviously he would, where did you think this is all leading?

How am I ever going to be able to move past this without constantly thinking now that he’s looking at other people or I’m not good enough, slim enough etc.

I know this is all new and raw, but why would you want to compete for this sex pest? I don't think I could ever move past this.

Like other posters have said, there is probably more to this. He has shown you who he is and has betrayed you over and over chasing other women

Oh God. He’s one of those creeps at work :/. I don’t have any advice tbh. Not ideal at all.

This

A bit of fun???

Are you quite mad?

Hoping this is sarcasm, otherwise WTF?

This!

I was going to respond but this perfectly sums things up. Not suggesting you should never leave but it's easy for strangers who are not in this situation to say get out now. This is a marriage with kids involved and there is so much at stake.

You might need time on your own to figure out your next move. He has screwed up big time but at least you know what you are dealing with and you can now take the time to figure out your next move. You will struggle to make that decision when everything is so raw.

This is a him problem, not a you problem.

The only wayto stop worrying ever again about a man who is lecherous and makes women uncomfortable is to not be his partner. Staying with him won’t undo anything he’s done. It would just mean you’d need to pretend it didn’t happen and he’s not that sort of person.

It bothers me that you seem to have reduced this to being about you and your self-esteem rather than the fact that you seem to be married to a deeply unpleasant man.

Is this unusual? Are there any other concerning behaviours? Some frontal lobe disorders cause people to lose their inhibitions.

This is like if he robbed a restaurant and you worried it was because you weren't a good enough cook. None of this is about you or your perceived shortcomings. This is a him problem.

I would not want to stay in a relationship with him or have my kids anywhere near him. He's a creepy pervert and I'd want no more to do with him.

I don't want to make this worse for you Op but the job market is really bad at the moment and he's going to find it really hard to find work now. Think about what's best for you and your DC, he's let you down very badly

No. He's a lech and it's disgusting. It would be over, I'd regard it the same as cheating as he's clearly shown he is willing to.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, it must be the most horrible shock. For the sake of both you and your children I would suggest that you should start making plans to leave him. Cheating is one thing, this is something else, it is predatory harrassment and he sees women as objects

Firstly this must have been going on for a while with multiple instances. I’m sure he’s had warnings before he was sacked.

Are you sure that work is the only example? As others have said I would be confident he’s been chatting and making lewd comments to others online. I would be checking PC, bank account and asking for his phone.

Either this is longstanding and he’s a sex pest in which case either leave him or if you really want to make it work therapy for him and therapy for you both as a couple.

Or, if just a recent thing see his GP to rule out anything neurological.

My father got into trouble at work once for stuff like this. For all his many faults, I don't believe he ever cheated on my mother, but I do believe he did not realise how inappropriate he was being and how unwelcome it was for the women. I think in his head he was still a young flirtatious chap in the swinging 60s and women either didn't mind or were not about to let on that they did mind. He truly believed he'd done nothing wrong; you could not convince him otherwise. It was political correctness gone mad.

I would be really, really careful. It's horrible enough for the woman affected, and from your perspective it also translates to a man who doesn't like hearing no from a woman. He isn't necessarily a rapist or criminal but on some level he does think women should do what he says and there should be consequences of a sort if she doesn't. In my case it was a lot of physical and verbal assault.

I would dump him.

You're going to wring your hands for a few weeks and then pretend it never happened.

How am I ever going to be able to move past this without constantly thinking now that he’s looking at other people or I’m not good enough, slim enough etc. This has nothing to do with you. He’s a predator. He has forced his attention on some poor colleague who now has to go through the indignity of people questioning whether she’s telling the truth, being gossiped about etc. He is the one who isn’t good enough. He is the one who has something fundamentally wrong with him. He’s one step away from being a sex offender. And they don’t offend because their wives aren’t pretty enough. Although, to answer your question, I don’t think that this is something you should be thinking about moving past.

Please, please tell me what you’d do in my situation. My head is scrambled and I don’t know what is the right thing to do for our children and my own well-being I think he’s damaged your marriage beyond repair. Do you have daughters? Would you want them going to work with a man like this? Do you want your sons growing up to think this is an acceptable way to treat women? Whatever he’s told you is going to be so, so much less than what he’s actually done. You’d be spending the rest of your life wondering. I wouldn’t want to live like that. That’s not a marriage. It sounds like torture. Death by a thousand cuts.

I doubt very much this has come from absolutely nowhere. Maybe nobody's complained before. Maybe he's got complacent and upped his game. Honestly, unless he's had some kind of mental breakdown, early dementia or a blow to the head, then this is the man you've always been married to. Check his internet history. But for your sake and your children's, please make plans to leave him.

Sorry you are going through this. You need to know the facts- ask him for the documents outlining the allegations against him and the decision on each. As you don't get dismissed for just a few comments.

@ThatCyanCat has raised some valid points about his lack of respect for women, and the fact that women have the right to give or withhold consent. He was targetting young women- how does this make you feel eg if you have daughters?

Can he move out to give you space whilst you consider what you want to do?
You can also take this time to consider your options, check family finances etc.

Good luck.

This has zero to do with you OP, how attractive or slim or young you are and everything to do with him.

He is a sleaze and a predator. Actually, he's one step away from being arrested for SA. How awful that those women have had to put up with him behaving this way. You say he touched her hair to see her earrings. Do not normalise his behaviour. It is 100% wrong.

For me also this is every bit as bad a cheating. I would be horrified if I was sharing my life with a man who behaved like this.

Get some emotional and practical support OP. You deserve so much better than a life with this awfully behaved man.

What he has done is far worse than cheating, he is a sex pest. At least cheating is consensual (I'm not excusing it!) This is disgusting. You need to divorce him ASAP.

This isn't a one-off, it sounds like there have been multiple occasions. Does he realise how appalling this behaviour is? Is he remorseful?