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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you forgive this?

181 replies

charlotte82 · 07/12/2025 11:57

Hello, I desperately need other people’s perspectives as my mental health has taken a battering and I’m struggling to know what to do.
Been with husband 18 years and we have two children together.
He has been sacked from his job due to sexual harassment. We’ve never had issues with anything before, or him with work.
Hes been saying sexual words at work, saying that colleagues are attractive and fit and in good shape. Comments on customers bodies, saying her boobs are massive, she’s really fit and attractive. This one girl at work has raised this all about him but there are witnesses to the comments. Apparently he’s quite touchy feely with her, only stuff like hand on shoulder when talking, brushing her hair away to look at her earring etc. But she obviously feels so uncomfortable to have brought it to this point.
He hasn’t cheated and I don’t believe he has or would! Although on the flip side I would never in a million years have thought that he’d say these things at work either.
This is a massive trigger for me, cheating and trust issues. It’s plagued me for my whole life and I did have therapy when younger due to boyfriends cheating on me etc.
How am I ever going to be able to move past this without constantly thinking now that he’s looking at other people or I’m not good enough, slim enough etc.
Please, please tell me what you’d do in my situation. My head is scrambled and I don’t know what is the right thing to do for our children and my own well-being.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 07/12/2025 15:49

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/12/2025 15:31

Jesus… what does a man have to do to persuade people he is a creepy pervert?

Apparently the worst, most egregious behaviour can be waved away under the guise of being a “frontal lobe disorder” or neurodiversity or depression. No wonder so many men feel they have carte blanche to behave like utter scum. Its not enough that we tolerate and excuse this behaviour we actually invent nonsense health diagnoses to vindicate this.

I despair.

If it's completely new behaviour, it's worth a chat with a GP. I went to the GP because my husband suddenly became verbally abusive. Of course the GP dismissed what I said. Then my DH became aggressive and violent. By the time he was seen by anyone (via the Police and MH services) his brain tumours were inoperable and I had to tell my three children that there Dad had weeks to live.

Rizzz · 07/12/2025 15:52

Ponoka7 · 07/12/2025 15:49

If it's completely new behaviour, it's worth a chat with a GP. I went to the GP because my husband suddenly became verbally abusive. Of course the GP dismissed what I said. Then my DH became aggressive and violent. By the time he was seen by anyone (via the Police and MH services) his brain tumours were inoperable and I had to tell my three children that there Dad had weeks to live.

If he thinks it's worth chatting to his GP, he would've made an appointment, wouldn't he?

If I suddenly found myself leching and perving over young men either in or out of my workplace, I'd be first in the doctor's queue...

Izzywizzy85 · 07/12/2025 15:53

Nobody can ever just be a twat on MN, can they? Always early onset dementia. 🙄

nutbrownhare15 · 07/12/2025 15:55

It might depend on his attitude. Is he genuinely remorseful or just gutted to be caught? But ultimately I would struggle to be with someone so disrespectful of women. Does that come through in your relationship anyway?

Sortalike · 07/12/2025 15:58

bumptybum · 07/12/2025 12:45

Why do you think his comments are not bad enough for sacking. Of course he would and should be sacked for saying the things the OP has divulged. Don’t you think those should sackable offences ?

I absolutely do think he should have been sacked.

But what I should have made clearer is that it is unlikely that he has been sacked on the basis of him making just one comment.

It is likely that there have been several comments/a repeated pattern of sexual harassment, which have been discovered when this instance was reported which have led to his dismissal.

Firefly1987 · 07/12/2025 16:04

Rizzz · 07/12/2025 15:52

If he thinks it's worth chatting to his GP, he would've made an appointment, wouldn't he?

If I suddenly found myself leching and perving over young men either in or out of my workplace, I'd be first in the doctor's queue...

Well you're looking at it from the perspective of being sane and logical. Mentally ill people often don't have a clue there's anything wrong with them.

LoveSandbanks · 07/12/2025 16:04

It’s 2025, not 1975 I cannot imagine a man putting his hand on my shoulder when we’re talking or brushing my hair out of the way to look at my earrings. It’s deeply inappropriate (and this is him minimising his actions!). Nowadays it’s not considered appropriate to tell a colleague that they “look nice today”.

Hes gross, he’s unemployed, get rid!

JustMyView13 · 07/12/2025 16:15

I’d leave him.
You have it externally validated that he’s a slime ball. Sometimes we can’t see what’s in front of us, especially if he behaves the same towards you and you’re reading it as affection.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 07/12/2025 16:18

OP, you probably won't want to hear this but I was sexually harrassed by an older colleague in my 1st job. I was 20, he was in his early 40s and kept telling me it was my fault for being so attractive (when I'm very very ordinary). It was horrible, having to keep avoiding eye contact with him or any form of communication as he took everything as a come on. I used to dread going to work. It wasn't until a much kinder older female colleague noticed that I realised it wasn't OK or normal, and she frogmarched me down to HR. It made me feel very vulnerable and it wasn't nice at all.

Imagine how this woman at work felt. A married man trying it on all the time, and then getting sacked for it. Do not minimise what he has done. He's a disgusting excuse for a man.

Rosecoffeecup · 07/12/2025 16:31

He's a pervert with no respect for women, and particularly no respect for you

GC2023 · 07/12/2025 16:38

Sortalike · 07/12/2025 12:02

He hasn't been sacked because of a few comments, he's not telling you the truth there's more to this which he's hiding.

Edited

I agree! I work in HR and it wouldn’t be that simple. If he’s worked there over 2 years they would have had to go through a process, and this includes a detailed report of the fact finding against him. He legally would have been sent a copy. I would be asking for it and getting the details myself!

OneFunBrickNewt · 07/12/2025 16:50

As a happily married man in his 40s who works with and gets on well with a lot of women at work (it's a primary school) including some in their 20s I can't imagine touching them in this manner. Or any other woman for that manner except my wife. This can only denote sexual interest, and to keep doing so when it's clearly not reciprocated is harrassement/assault. Sorry to say this. I would leave him.

YourWildAmberSloth · 07/12/2025 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at authors request

Serious question here, but how he could still be sacked if there are witnesses that can prove that the complainant was lying? Apologies if that sounds goady, I'm not trying to be, just wondering how that can happen.

Lavenderandbrown · 07/12/2025 17:00

op I can’t read this thread becuse it’s upsetting to me but I did want to share…in 2003 my ex DH was accused of sexual harassment at work…a medical clinical setting where he was undisputedly “ in charge” At his medical groups insistence he paid her off 25,000$ of our personal joint funds. 2 yrs later just as our divorce was finalizing he was fired for sexually harassing another young female employee. He showed up to work was called to his partners office and escorted out the door by security. I have always thought they waited until oir divorce was final. My divorce attorney ( solicitor) obtained and shared with me the 15 point list of things she alleged he said and when I read it I knew he had said every single one of them.

a few yrs later he was fired from another position for having sex on
hospital property…not sure who was on the clock him ..her or both but again fired. Greys anatomy is it not real hospital life

you need to take a hard look at him your life and his behavior. He will reoffend.

the 25,000$ loss was restitution to me
during the divorce thankfully.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/12/2025 17:01

"How am I ever going to be able to move past this without constantly thinking now that he’s looking at other people or I’m not good enough, slim enough etc."
I honestly think you're focusing on completely the wrong thing - possibly as some form of avoidance, because dealing with the ACTUAL problem of your husband's behaviour is overwhelming you.

The problem is not that he's comparing you to other women - the problem is that he is a predatory sex pest. I'd be so disgusted with him right now that I'd struggle to even look at him. I certainly wouldn't give a flying fuck what he thought of me!

"I desperately need other people’s perspectives as my mental health has taken a battering and I’m struggling to know what to do."
I wonder if you've been avoiding acknowledging that your husband is a wrong 'un, sticking you fingers in your ears and singing la-la-la; and that has is what has impacted your mental health. At some level he set your radar pinging, and shoving it down into your subconscious has cost you dearly. In which case, your mental health will improve enormously when you take the blinkers off, see him for what he is, accept that disgust is a perfectly normal reaction, and set about divorcing him.

"This one girl at work has raised this all about him but there are witnesses to the comments. Apparently he’s quite touchy feely with her, only stuff like hand on shoulder when talking, brushing her hair away to look at her earring etc. But she obviously feels so uncomfortable to have brought it to this point."
I think you're desperately trying to victim blame here, as part of avoiding the reality of Your Husband The Sex Pest. "Only" is the giveaway. Can you, hand on heart, say you wouldn't be totally creeped out if a work colleague behaved like this to you? I would. So stop minimising what he's done - done repeatedly and for quite some time. This isn't a one-off mistake or misunderstanding - he has carried out a persistent and sustained sexual harassment, and he deserved the sack.

"He hasn’t cheated and I don’t believe he has or would!"
Is that your only measure of a good man? What he did was far worse, in my opinion. He put a woman in fear. I'd bet money he rather enjoyed feeling her fear, feeling the power of being able to make someone fearful. Do NOT minimise his actions or his intent.

What you need to deal with now is the practicalities. First, finances - he's been sacked, so his income is no more. Are you working? Can you manage on your salary? Have you savings to keep paying the bills? This is your priority, the roof over your head and the food on the table. Secondly, I'd ask him to move out, to give you a bit of headspace. You need time to process this because it is massive, and having him hanging around protesting 'it was nothing' will do nothing for your mental health. And once he's out, ponder long and hard what you want your future to be, and concentrate on that, not him.

((hug))

BrokenWingsCantFly · 07/12/2025 17:02

His behaviour is not an indication that you are not enough, it is him showing that he is not good enough for you.

He has hidden his sleazy ways up until now, but now you have found out what he is really like when you are not around. This is on him. I've met these gross men in the workplace over the years. Men who think women should all fancy them and enjoy their inappropriate advances, see it as some kind of compliment, when the reality is it makes womens skin crawl. In the past many women would put up and shut up when men behaved like this, through worries of job security, and the men's behaviour being seen as more socially accepted. Thank god times are changing and women like the one which called out your DH now feel they can speak out.

The last man I saw do this and make gross sexual comments every day, I can guarantee that had nothing to do with his wife not being enough. This ugly gross little man was a man in a power position. He had landed himself a beautiful much younger wife. He still felt the need to make discusting comments such as "come and sit on my lap" to women including me. It was hard to speak out when the people also in power jobs are seeming to accept it and laugh along. I did finally speak out and he was told not to make these comments to ME. Not even a slap on the wrist, he was not even told to just stop these comments in the workplace overall. His wife may never find out what he is up to as he didn't get sacked or disaplined for it.

Thank yourself lucky that you did find out so can now act on it and get rid of this pervert

OneFunBrickNewt · 07/12/2025 17:04

LoveSandbanks · 07/12/2025 16:04

It’s 2025, not 1975 I cannot imagine a man putting his hand on my shoulder when we’re talking or brushing my hair out of the way to look at my earrings. It’s deeply inappropriate (and this is him minimising his actions!). Nowadays it’s not considered appropriate to tell a colleague that they “look nice today”.

Hes gross, he’s unemployed, get rid!

Interesting- as a man at work I have very occasionally said something like 'nice haircut' or 'I like your coat is that a new one?' and these comments are welcome, but I'm saying these in the staffroom around other people and they are meant geuinely, with people I get on with and have worked with for ten years or more. Do people on this thead find these comments unwelcome?

Starlight7080 · 07/12/2025 17:06

I could forgive cheating maybe. But definitely not sexual harassment.
That would be my concern .

Viewsaremyown · 07/12/2025 17:08

some of the posts on here are so OTT - ‘he’s a sexual predator..’ etc. Yes, it doesn’t sound like very professional behaviours but there’s a difference to being a flirt because that’s your personality or your having a bit of a mid-life wobble, being a sleaze, and then harassment, or sexual predator.

I would get your husband to answer this question for you OP. Your post makes perfect sense - of course your head is scrambled - so tell him this exactly, and ask him how you are going to trust him in the future. Make him own it and fix it. And if he can’t…then come back to MN. Good luck.

susiedaisy1912 · 07/12/2025 17:09

Op,I’m so sorry you’re going through this, what a horrible shock it must be for you. Don’t worry about whether you are good enough for him of course you are in fact you’re too good for him. As others have said you are hearing his watered down version of events, he is a sex pest and you need to remove him from your life. And don’t try to hide the reasons why when people ask, it’s to your shame to bear this is all on him. Take legal advice and start to make a plan

JMSA · 07/12/2025 17:09

He hasn’t ‘cheated’ but I PROMISE you this, if any one of those women he perved over had given him the green light, he’d be like a rat up a drainpipe.
Really sorry, OP Flowers

Pippa12 · 07/12/2025 17:10

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/12/2025 15:31

Jesus… what does a man have to do to persuade people he is a creepy pervert?

Apparently the worst, most egregious behaviour can be waved away under the guise of being a “frontal lobe disorder” or neurodiversity or depression. No wonder so many men feel they have carte blanche to behave like utter scum. Its not enough that we tolerate and excuse this behaviour we actually invent nonsense health diagnoses to vindicate this.

I despair.

Nobody is waving it away, it’s a clinical symptom for both men and women that health care professionals look out for. It’s rare but most certainly not unheard of.

I’ve seen it before and a brain tumour was the culprit. Each time they’d lost everything before having seizures. The person will not recognise their behaviour as unreasonable, that’s the point!

That is why I asked if this was new behaviour.

Holycowhowmuch · 07/12/2025 17:12

I know of two cases where out of character behaviour turned out to be tumors, one benign and one not. Also something called pernicious anaemia can present as early (then full)dementia .......is a vitimin deficiency that gradually leads to dementia, balance issues, sight issues, and many more each symptom creeps up on one. Out of character behaviours which have led to people being sectioned in extreme cases. Only Once b12 blood test done and clear and tumor test clear would i think change of character a choice.
Tricky. If you can have an honest conversation and see letter etc then you will be fully informed to make your decision. My best wishes
(Google the pernicious anaemia society and list of symptoms folks ....many dying of dementia are likely sufferers of PA and never checked)

Cyclebabble · 07/12/2025 17:16

Hi OP. I think the first thing I would be doing is making sure I had all of the facts. If he has been dismissed there will be a full summary of all of the case and a letter which summarised the conclusion. He would also have a right of appeal. What is happening with this, is he appealing and if so on what grounds? I would want to see all of the documentation available in unabridged form and I would go through it in detail before I did anything else.

susiedaisy1912 · 07/12/2025 17:18

Holycowhowmuch · 07/12/2025 17:12

I know of two cases where out of character behaviour turned out to be tumors, one benign and one not. Also something called pernicious anaemia can present as early (then full)dementia .......is a vitimin deficiency that gradually leads to dementia, balance issues, sight issues, and many more each symptom creeps up on one. Out of character behaviours which have led to people being sectioned in extreme cases. Only Once b12 blood test done and clear and tumor test clear would i think change of character a choice.
Tricky. If you can have an honest conversation and see letter etc then you will be fully informed to make your decision. My best wishes
(Google the pernicious anaemia society and list of symptoms folks ....many dying of dementia are likely sufferers of PA and never checked)

I knew someone who’s character changed and she began to become erratic and spend money on ridiculous things and then hide them, her personality changed completely and it turned out to be a brain tumour so it does happen but not sure about the ops case