Would you forgive this?

[charlotte82]

Hello, I desperately need other people’s perspectives as my mental health has taken a battering and I’m struggling to know what to do.
Been with husband 18 years and we have two children together.
He has been sacked from his job due to sexual harassment. We’ve never had issues with anything before, or him with work.
Hes been saying sexual words at work, saying that colleagues are attractive and fit and in good shape. Comments on customers bodies, saying her boobs are massive, she’s really fit and attractive. This one girl at work has raised this all about him but there are witnesses to the comments. Apparently he’s quite touchy feely with her, only stuff like hand on shoulder when talking, brushing her hair away to look at her earring etc. But she obviously feels so uncomfortable to have brought it to this point.
He hasn’t cheated and I don’t believe he has or would! Although on the flip side I would never in a million years have thought that he’d say these things at work either.
This is a massive trigger for me, cheating and trust issues. It’s plagued me for my whole life and I did have therapy when younger due to boyfriends cheating on me etc.
How am I ever going to be able to move past this without constantly thinking now that he’s looking at other people or I’m not good enough, slim enough etc.
Please, please tell me what you’d do in my situation. My head is scrambled and I don’t know what is the right thing to do for our children and my own well-being.

If it really is completely out of character and a recent rather than long term thing, perhaps he should see his GP.
I know people who’s behaviour has changed due to a brain tumour and early onset Alzheimer’s (not the same person).

It sounds like there’s a lot more to the story to me. He wouldn’t have been sacked for a few comments so clearly there’s more and possibly a chain of issues that have resulted in some disciplinary which he has ignored.

Police officers have been sacked recently for a few similar comments that were caught on camera.

The woman’s life has just imploded three weeks before Christmas - with children - and you’ve accused her of “making it about herself”. If you can’t see why that’s abhorrent, I can’t help you.

I wouldn't stay with someome who'd been sacked for sexual harassment at work, no.

I think I'd start with self-help if I were you if you can't see that the OP has made it about herself and whether the sex pest might cheat on her.

How am I ever going to be able to move past this without constantly thinking now that he’s looking at other people or I’m not good enough, slim enough etc.

He's really done a number on you hasn't he? Ask yourself why on earth you'd want to stay with a man like this. It won't be the first time he's behaved like this, it's just the first time he's been reported/his employer's taken it seriously.
What would I do? I'd divorce him so fast he wouldn't know what had hit him!

I wouldn’t get past this, no. The relationship would be over.

Never mind worrying about whether you measure up to other women, leave him he’s a sleaze.

Unless this is very out of the blue even for his colleagues, which could mean he has suffered a brain disorder and needs to seek a diagnosis? If not then dump him.

Why do you think his comments are not bad enough for sacking. Of course he would and should be sacked for saying the things the OP has divulged. Don’t you think those should sackable offences ?

No, I couldn't forgive it. I couldn't care less if my partner finds other women attractive. He's not blind and I'm not a fool so its obvious. What I'd care very much indeed about is if he were acting on this and causing offence, discomfort and distress to other women. Which is clearly what yours had done. This isnt about you and cheating, its about him harming other women. Sexual harassment at work ruins women's careers, impacts their mental health and causes untold anxiety and misery. I couldn't forgive a man who caused this.

He’s a sexual predator- this is actually “worse” than cheating to me because his contact with these women wasn’t consensual. Does that alone not bother you?!

Seriously? The comments the OP detailed are 100% sackable offences

She’s in shock. Our brains go into all sorts of weird directions. Self preservation and vulnerability is 100% a normal initial reaction. Processing such things happens in stages.

Not sure which opinion is YABU vs YANBU, but I would not forgive his creating a misogynist climate at work and sexually harassing his colleagues and customers. This has absolutely nothing to do with "cheating"; his behaviour is fundamentally wrong and sexist and if that doesn't bother you, then the fact that he can't refrain from it enough to avoid being fired and therefore losing his income (which affects you and your shared household) should.

In your situation, I would try to find out WHY he has begun this behaviour which you say seems unusual for him. Could he have a mental illness, or maybe something physical like a brain tumor? Is he willing to discuss the matter with you openly and honestly, and seek a formal diagnosis and professional help?

This!

You're upset about totally the wrong thing! It's absolutely nothing to do with whether you are slim or attractive - that's such a shockingly self absorbed way of looking at the fact your husband sexually harasses multiple women and lost his job specifically for that reason alone!

This seems to have passed some posters by, but I was certainly under the impression that the op came here in distress and looking for support - not a kicking for her husband's actions.

Why are people so desperate to find a ridiculously tenuous fig leaf for what is obviously cheating or in this case sexual harassment?

The simplest explanation is usually the correct one and in this case the simplest explanation is something the OP cannot possibly tolerate.

I get that its a hard road ahead and the OP is in a difficult position but why on earth would you give her false hope by positing some fantasy alternative explanation? Its just irresponsible.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through OP but you know you have to separate from this guy.

I don’t think I could forgive it. He’s preying on young women at work. That shows no respect for women or boundaries.
From what OP says it’s not happened before but it was persistent and presumably over quite a period of time. Clearly very distressing for the women involved. Sounds like one poor woman was targeted particularly too. Although making sexual comments to customers too!!
What’s his excuse? Not that there is one but men like this usually try to downplay it somehow.
Ditch him now before he does it again or worse.

Ask yourself how you would feel if this was happening to you at work

OP it is understandable that you are confused and panicked.

can you take time away from him? Can he go stay with parents or siblings for a few days.

you need to process this. Firstly, he has behaved appallingly and yes, in a sexually predatory manner. He has shown he has urges and views that override the normal awareness that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable.

has he always had tendencies to objectify women, to behave inappropriately? Or is this completely out of line with him normal behaviour that you are aware of.

Can you speak with others that know him and ask them if they have ever seen this side of him?

what is his current reaction and attitude? Is he mortified or indignant? Confused as to what he’s done wrong or defensive?

If everything is completely random and sudden and new and he is willing, can he seek a medical check to rule out anything like a tumour or mini stroke or mental health breakdown.

If there is a medical cause then your choice of action may be different from if this is his chosen line if behaviour. If this is him then I would not be staying with him. Nor would I easily allow my children to be unsupervised around him

Come off it. Of course it will seem out of character to the OP, he’s hardly going to act like this in front of his wife is he??
Whats more likely, man in sexual harassment shocker or dementia?? Come on now. If it walks like a duck etc…

I’d consider this worse than cheating tbh, because it’s non-consensual as far as the other women are concerned. And I think it’s more indicative of a horrible attitude towards women (not that I’m saying cheating shows a great attitude to women!!)

I’d also assume he’s underplaying what he did and not telling you the full extent of the harassment

Because if the behaviours are genuinely out of character and everyone who knows him agrees then it would be ridiculous not to seek some check to see if there has been something medical going on. Mini strokes, tumours, early onset dementia and mental health breakdown can result in weird behaviours.

only once this is ruled out can anyone know how to move forward. The OP has dc with him so regardless of whether she chooses to leave or stay there needs to be a ruling out of any medical issue. That they share dc is a life long connection

OP I don't know what I would do but this is worse than cheating - sexual harassment is by definition a non-consensual act. I would be worried that there was other parts to him you didn't know about, as you have found this so out of the blue. I think to begin with you need to have a really serious chat with him so you have all the information and make your decisions. I would also ask him to leave the house for now.