Would you forgive this?

[charlotte82]

Hello, I desperately need other people’s perspectives as my mental health has taken a battering and I’m struggling to know what to do.
Been with husband 18 years and we have two children together.
He has been sacked from his job due to sexual harassment. We’ve never had issues with anything before, or him with work.
Hes been saying sexual words at work, saying that colleagues are attractive and fit and in good shape. Comments on customers bodies, saying her boobs are massive, she’s really fit and attractive. This one girl at work has raised this all about him but there are witnesses to the comments. Apparently he’s quite touchy feely with her, only stuff like hand on shoulder when talking, brushing her hair away to look at her earring etc. But she obviously feels so uncomfortable to have brought it to this point.
He hasn’t cheated and I don’t believe he has or would! Although on the flip side I would never in a million years have thought that he’d say these things at work either.
This is a massive trigger for me, cheating and trust issues. It’s plagued me for my whole life and I did have therapy when younger due to boyfriends cheating on me etc.
How am I ever going to be able to move past this without constantly thinking now that he’s looking at other people or I’m not good enough, slim enough etc.
Please, please tell me what you’d do in my situation. My head is scrambled and I don’t know what is the right thing to do for our children and my own well-being.

Because she is married to him and has to try and make sense of the limited information she's been given, and try to marry that up with the man she is married to and lies down next to every night.

Once again a man behaves appallingly and it's women's responsibility to have somehow policed that and police it going forward.

OP is just as much a victim of Mr Wandering-Hands as the brave woman who reported him.

Has your H had disciplinaries at work OP? Did they give him any transcripts of these meetings? Because if they did they would make important reading for you.

You don’t get past it. You leave. He’s an unemployed sex pest.

Once again a man behaves appallingly and it's women's responsibility to have somehow policed that and police it going forward.

Why on earth are you making things up?

No-one has said that at all and if you read the thread, you'll know it.

Even if the OP's husband could guarantee he'll never cheat on her, she's still living with a sex pest and raising her children with a sex pest.

The choice is hers whether to stay and have that happen or leave.

The "Jesus, raise you sic standards!" was unnecessarily harsh and I don't believe you don't actually know that.

The OP needs to raise her standards massively if even a tiny part of her is considering staying and raising children with this dirty sex pest.

Even if she just raises them for the kids.

No I wouldn’t forgive this.

The only thing worse than a married man showing a woman sexual attention is a married man showing a woman unwanted sexual attention and continuously.

I said the way you put it was harsh, not that you were wrong.

Besides, this isn't really to do with OP's standards, as she's only just found out about it in a horrible way. She's in shock and sadly her insecurities (which too many women have) are coming to the surface.

I totally agree with encouraging her to leave him, and I hope @charlotte82 comes round to that way of thinking.

Maybe she has already - I'm going to check for updates now....

First of all stop thinking it's because you aren't attractive. The blame for this lies squarely with him. For him to be sacked there must have been an investigation and that investigation has found that he has done these things. If this behaviour is completely new then I would suggest he goes to the GP to rule out any sort of cognitive problem. You don't say how old he is but uninhibited behaviour that's new can be a symptom of something going on. Then I think you have to decide what your next steps are. What has happened has changed all your perceptions of him and that's a terrible shock. He has behaved really badly. Take some time to think about what to do next and good luck, I'm sorry this has happened.

Absolutely agree.

Has he seen a GP? If this behaviour is completely out of character, I'd start there.

Another nurse here, I agree completely, and before ditching the father of her children and her husband of so long , it needs investigating .Then decisions can be made, Im not for one minute excusing him, but if there is something medical going on they need to know. Id be traumatised too by whats happened, but dont base your decisions on knee jerk reactions from strangers on the internet. I wish you look with the outcome .

I think you know that is was more than ‘just a few comments.’ Many of us have been young women before and been made to feel uncomfortable by creeps like your DP. It’s one thing as a now middle aged woman to report something like this, but quite another for someone quite young to do so, so he must have been properly creeping on her for her to complain.
I agree with other posters, I think this is way worse than cheating. He is a creep and sees women as objects.

OP , he’s telling you his version of the story , you can bet it is a whole lot worse than he’s saying , I’m sorry , I’m never one to look at the negative & make it worse , but in this case what you’re telling us here , it’s just kind of obvious he’s not going to tell you all of it .
He would cheat given the opportunity.
I personally could not stay with him if he was my husband.

I think there is a lot more to this than you know, I don't believe it is that easy to sack someone.
Surely there was a dismissal procedure ? i.e. verbal and written warnings.
So being actually sacked should not be a surprise to him.

I suppose you are now supporting the whole family on your salary, and he may not get Universal Credit etc. as I believe it's not paid out for x months if someone is sacked from a job ?

How easily will he find another job ? as being sacked is not a good sign to a new employer.

You're not good enough? Goodness me, please look into some therapy for your self esteem, you are a 100x better than this creepy awful man. Leave him, and focus on yourself, and loving yourself. This person does not deserve you, and should not be around your children.

Thank you so much, I will DM you now x

Jesus… what does a man have to do to persuade people he is a creepy pervert?

Apparently the worst, most egregious behaviour can be waved away under the guise of being a “frontal lobe disorder” or neurodiversity or depression. No wonder so many men feel they have carte blanche to behave like utter scum. Its not enough that we tolerate and excuse this behaviour we actually invent nonsense health diagnoses to vindicate this.

I despair.

I couldn't forgive this. Imagine your daughter being treated like this in her first job by some dirty old man? Imagine her thinking this was normal and just something she has to accept?

"only stuff like hand on shoulder when talking, brushing her hair away to look at her earring etc. But she obviously feels so uncomfortable to have brought it to this point."

He needs a good kick in his spindly little penis.

This man is perfectly capable of making himself a doctor's appointment, if he thinks his creepy, nasty behaviour is being caused by a medical condition.

Since the OP hasn't mentioned he's made one, I think we can safely say it's not something he's concerned about.

He shouldn’t be touching her shoulder or hair full stop. He’s a pervert and a bully.

Its true that sometimes mistakes are made in workplace disciplinaries.

What is his version?

Have you read all the evidence from the investigation? If you've never seen it, that will tell you a lot.

It is a question worth asking. Frontal lobe disorder and dementia can cause these kinds of behaviours in both sexes (depression and neurodivergence don't).

However as the OP hasn't now come back to confirm that this isn't out of character for him, or that he isn't absolutely devastated by the whole thing, but OP is clearly reading the thread by the second response, I'm going to go with disgusting sleazy sex pest too.

This was my thought, that's an important clarification. If it's shockingly out of character (as it would be for my deeply decent and respectful DP) I'd investigate.

If it's the mask slipping on a sleazy wanker, divorce and run for your life.

Also, respect to the woman (she’s not a girl) who reported him. That can’t have been easy.

I would divorce him.