Would you forgive this?

[charlotte82]

Hello, I desperately need other people’s perspectives as my mental health has taken a battering and I’m struggling to know what to do.
Been with husband 18 years and we have two children together.
He has been sacked from his job due to sexual harassment. We’ve never had issues with anything before, or him with work.
Hes been saying sexual words at work, saying that colleagues are attractive and fit and in good shape. Comments on customers bodies, saying her boobs are massive, she’s really fit and attractive. This one girl at work has raised this all about him but there are witnesses to the comments. Apparently he’s quite touchy feely with her, only stuff like hand on shoulder when talking, brushing her hair away to look at her earring etc. But she obviously feels so uncomfortable to have brought it to this point.
He hasn’t cheated and I don’t believe he has or would! Although on the flip side I would never in a million years have thought that he’d say these things at work either.
This is a massive trigger for me, cheating and trust issues. It’s plagued me for my whole life and I did have therapy when younger due to boyfriends cheating on me etc.
How am I ever going to be able to move past this without constantly thinking now that he’s looking at other people or I’m not good enough, slim enough etc.
Please, please tell me what you’d do in my situation. My head is scrambled and I don’t know what is the right thing to do for our children and my own well-being.

Could anything have happened to him or was this a new job. From my experience it takes a lot of significant things for somebody to be fired for sex pestery but if you say this is new behaviour on his part I would want to see if anything else is going on?

(Edit: or of course he could have been like this for years and this is the first time something was done about it. I know you said he has not had an affair but I think this is worse.)

There’s no ‘only’ about his actions towards this girl. He sounds utterly vile. It’s understandable that your mental health has taken a battering.

i could and would not forgive this. Awful behaviour.

I don't think I could move past it. I'd feel sick everytime he touched me knowing that he had sexually harassed someone.

Because if the behaviours are genuinely out of character and everyone who knows him agrees then it would be ridiculous not to seek some check to see if there has been something medical going on.

Except the OP has said nothing of the sort.

She said...

"We’ve never had issues with anything before, or him with work."

All that may simply mean is that he doesn't act like that in front of her and in previous jobs, no-one reported him.

It's quite possible that other people who know him may not be surprised at all.

This point, which several people have raised, is relevant though.

If it is genuinely completely out of character it could be a symptom of the onset of a neurological or psychiatric disorder. Sudden onset disinhibition and the sudden onset of risk taking, socially unacceptable behaviour in people who genuinely didn't behave that way before can result from various psychiatric illnesses with adult onset (including schizophrenia) and from neurological trauma (accident or stroke/ embolism), from brain tumours, and from Alzheimer's...

Is it genuinely completely and shockingly out of character? Have you observed any other apparent personality changes in the same time period?

Either he's a sleeze and always was, but has perhaps stopped trying to behave appropriately as his seniority increased and he thought he could get away with it, or he needs to see his GP ...

He's a fucking disgrace

Would it not be a bit weird that it was apparently only ever in work and so heavily focused on this one woman? Come on, it's not an illness.

Of course it’s out of character.

He’s hardly going to behave like this around his wife and kids is he?

If the OP goes down this road she’s handing him an exquisite get out of jail free card!

He can’t use some incredibly spurious health justification to shield himself for the consequences of his being a sex pest.

I doubt the company went straight to fired, he’ll have had warnings and chances or has done worse than he’s saying.
I’d not forgive, no.

Oh no, he's also commented on how massive a customer's boobs are.

Such a charmer.

This isn’t about cheating.

There is no way on earth I'd tolerate this. Apart from the humiliation of having a husband who is ogling over young women (Eugh/Ick etc) I could not forgive him putting our children at risk financially, in a cost of living crisis, due to being a pervert.

All true, but surely to God you can see OP is feeling flayed alive by this business.
She may have been conditioned over the years by his general social demeanour too, so that she automatically diminishes his line-crossing in her mind in order to maintain her equilibrium. No doubt he’s always insisted there’s nothing objectionable is his interactions with women.
Who knows; but OP sounds pretty low right now, and her concerns might be a bit jumbled up, but wouldn’t anyone’s be?

I wouldn't want anything to do with him.

He's vulgar, predatory and lacks boundaries.

It's far worse than cheating as these women were not willing participants.

Is this new behaviour or has he always been like this? I only ask as I’m a nurse and on very rare occasions disinhibited behaviour has been related to neurological conditions. I have experienced men losing absolutely everything and then finding out months later they have a neurological condition.

Completely agree.

Raise your standards OP, this isn't about you and your insecurities but rather that your partner is very simply a disgusting creep.

I suspect that what you have been told is the tip of the iceberg. There must have been overwhelming evidence against your husband, for him to have been fired. Not only has he been saying sexual comments to colleagues, but he's said similar about customers. He's made one colleague so uncomfortable with comments, and 'innocent' looking touches, that she felt she had to report your husband. I bet this colleague is younger and most likely in a lower position in the company too. He's at best a creep but at worst a sexual predator who gets kicks out of making young women feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. As others have said, if this behaviour is completely out of character, there's a very slim chance there could be medically something wrong. However, I doubt it, I rather think he's perfectly aware of his behaviour, and all comments are said deliberately. He can't be so stupid to think that these comments are acceptable within the modern day work place? In my view his behaviour is much worse than an affair. An affair is consensual between two adults who are both attracted to each other. This isn't consensual at all, it's your husband thinking he's entitled to make comments about colleagues and customers bodies and attractiveness, making them feel uncomfortable. Going forward.. your husband needs professional help to understand why he's behaving in this way, and why he thinks it's acceptable. As for your relationship, I couldn't forgive him for this. It's just appalling behaviour, there's no excuse or reason to justify it either.

Is this new behaviour or has he always been like this?

I think only his friends and ex colleagues would be able to answer that.

If he hadn't have been sacked, the OP wouldn't know about any of this right now.

Has he asked you to forgive him? And if so what has he asked you to forgive? Losing his job and being unable to financially support his family? Or sexually harassing his colleagues and clients at work?

You do need to try and stop yourself from fretting about whether you are sexually attractive enough for him. And start thinking about whether you want to remain married to him. You can take your time with this. Reflect on whether he has accepted responsibility for his actions and is taking steps to change his behaviour. How he acts to your friends, family, you and your kids.

Lean on family and friends and get through Christmas for the kids.

Start making some decisions in the new year based on what you want and not out of fear for what you think he wants or will do.

How on earth have you managed to turn this into all about you and whether you cant 'trust' him and whether he might cheat on you???

At a wild guess I assume that she's devasted and doesn't know which way to turn? Have a bit of empathy for THIS victim for fuck's sake

Perhaps it's worth doing some digging?!

If this happened with my DH I would, because it would absolutely blind side me and OP stated there have never been any problem like this.

Yes, I’m sorry too OP. You sound like a sweet and vulnerable person. Hope you find someone better. XX

No. Couldn't forgive it. My husband losing his job, the source of family income, because he couldn't help himself from objectifying women. Fucking gross.