I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

[NannyNinn]

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

Call their bluff it won't last trust me. They rely on you far too much to cut out your contact with the grandkids. There's no way that grandads wife will take on minding 5 kids for 5 days a week. They need to pay for childcare and if it's childcare whilst they work they can claim it back from universal credits. Your daughter's sound very selfish and self entitled. Where's these kids father's can they not look after their kids or maybe ask the grandparents from those sides of the family to help out and give you a break if they are genuinely finding childminders unaffordable

Your DDs say their kids will be devastated by you looking after them less frequently ... but also threaten to cut contact with you if you don't do as they say. Hmm. Wouldn't that also 'devastate' their kids? Selfish little madams full of BS. You're saving them a fortune in childcare.

Tell them what you're prepared to do in childcare, what you're not and stick to it. They obviously wind each other up and have a thing about your DS being the favourite etc. Tell them each individually and then make your plans. They can't make you wait in your house or come get their kids for childcare time. Tell them there are things you want to do for YOU other than childcare. That is completely valid - it doesn't have to be about making time for other grandkids. Any moron should be able to understand that, especially considering how much you've already done. They are taking advantage. Time to take back some control over your time and lifestyle. Be firm and remember when they inevitably challenge you with their brass necks that 'No' is a complete sentence.

As someone who has never had any family support, I am shocked at the entitlement and rudeness.

Use their tactics back on them. “Oh, so dad’s wife is happy to watch junior, sounds great let’s work out a schedule now. I can do Monday and they can do the rest - what a great idea!” Stand firm no extra days.

I would also not share going forward when you are visiting your son. For whatever reason that fracture is in the family, it’s upsetting when discussed. It’s not their business what you do in your own personal time. You are their mum so you don’t answer to them.

Your daughters are selfish, and also mean to blackmail you about their dad’s wife doing it instead and the children being devastated. Actually, they’re being emotionally abusive to pull this.

If you were doing this as a paid job you’d be entitled to paid time off - no one is expected to work without time off for their private pursuits and interests. Even if self-employed you’d schedule down time/time off.

I think you should put your foot down and say “this is what I’ll continue to do x, y and z and I’ll spend the remaining time on my own hobbies and interests” and stick to it. Be prepared for them to over react and tell you not to anything - they’ll soon come running back.

You need to call their bluff. At the moment they need you more than you need them. I wonder if dad’s new wife knows and has agreed to have her free time committed like this?!

I mean, seriously, what would they do if you were ill or needed to recuperate after an operation or something? They’re taking the piss and it’s ok for you to choose how you spend your time.

Sounds like you need a holiday.
Do you have any friends you could go away with for a week or two - not to your son just time spent on yourself for a change.
Give your daughters sufficient notice about your plan and then take a well-earned break.

You'll be stronger on your return to set new boundaries.

I doubt they will follow through on cutting you out as they clearly need you too much or are avoiding spending money on childcare which is their responsibility as parents, not yours.

Are they jealous his life is going better than theirs? Could be why they're being so bratty and resentful. Stay strong, set your boundaries and call their bluff.

Omg OP, you’re so kind to have put up with this for so long. Of course yanbu!!! My mum was looking after my nephew for 2 days a week from age 1 to 2 and towards the end she was going crazy, and I don’t blame her as he was such an active toddler.
please put yourself first.

Accidentally clicked YABU - sorry, you’re definitely not being unreasonable!

I’d let them crack on with getting their fathers new wife to take over 😉 they sound highly manipulative and completely ungrateful on top of being entitled. If you’re minding kids weekdays and weekends it sounds like you’re coparenting with your daughters, not childminding.

You are going to run yourself into the ground if you carry on the way you are. It sounds like you’ve very little free time to yourself and can’t meet your friends or do anything on a whim. Presumably you’re retired -this is supposed to be your time not an opportunity for your daughters to burden you full time with another job, an unpaid one at that. Spending quality time with your grandkids is one thing but you’re being bullied into having them so your daughters don’t spend money on childcare -and have to abide by rules which would be set in such an environment.

I suspect your son isn’t as entitled and probably more successful than your daughters hence their resentment of him. The facts are your daughters are going to need you before you’ll need them. Put your foot down and tell them you didn’t make these kids and aren’t obligated to commit full time to working for free. They are taking advantage of your love and bond with the kids. Moreover you will enjoy seeing the grandchildren more when you aren’t being forced to have them. Don’t ask them to make other arrangements for childcare, tell them.

Give them 3 weeks notice and let them know from X date I will not be available to mind the children full time. I can take them on X day and Y day. I’m giving you this time to find other arrangements. There’s no way their step mother will be doing half of what you did, so their threats about keeping you from the grandkids are empty.

You deserve to have a personal life. Hobbies, travel, and friends should all be included on your calendar.

I would tell your daughters that as of X date you will only be providing emergency child care and the occasional social event coverage. Give them time to find a replacement, but just stop.

You do not need to pay for it. You should be spending your money on yourself. Take some classes or something, but don’t subsidize them.

Yep, this

"I can't do Fridays or Mondays anymore"
"Right, well Carole said she would love to have them, and she might even do Tuesdays and Wednesdays and you will hardly see the kids"
"OK, glad you're sorted, see you Thursday"

Difficult though it is, you need to get into the mindset that you're never going to please your daughters, so 'pull that sticky plaster off' and tell them which days you can care for their kids and which days you have other arrangements - lay it on the line.

tyoe up a rota showing them which days you'll care for their kids, according to your new schedule from Jan 2026. This gives them time to sort out other arrangements. Tell them you're doing this to be fair to balance your time between DGC. If they push back tell them fine, up to them.

you've made a rod for your own back unfortunately.

Hang on - have I read this right. You're caring for 5 kids, aged 2-7, 5 days a week and ALL the holidays ? WTabsoluteF !! Your DD's are bullies. Do you get any time off other than weekends? This is unsustainable, even if you didn't have a son a plane trip away who you want to visit. I'd hope your DDs are reimbursing you for your time, food, activities etc, but as you're contributing to school fees I doubt that very much.
Actually I'm going to take back that your DDs are bullies and upgrade them to full blown financial abusers.

I would strongly suggest you sit yourself down and give yourself a good talking too. You're retired, on a pension (even if it's a good one), probably working harder now in retirement looking after 5 kids, with no time to keep up with your son and friends. You and I are probably of an age - and there's no way I would have the physical energy to care for 5 kids all week and I'm accustomed to quite a physical job. You deserve to enjoy your retirement, not be a scivy.

Give them notice - after Christmas there'll be changes - 1 day a week and one week only in the summer holidays max. No wrap round care either - gets in the way of those long lunches with your friends. And this is the last academic year you'll be paying towards any child's school or nursery fees. They are bleeding you dry, physically, emotionally and financially. Big note here - don't ask, TELL. And if they ask why tell them - you want to live your retirement, not work your retirement.

Other posters are right - they need you,more than you want to see them. I teach older adults and I had so many retired women start my classes and then find themselves under pressure to take on regular child care. I know of one lady who went back to work to get out of childcare for her DDs

This is what you need to tell your daughters. Shout it if you must.
Bloody bullies! There's no way your ex's new wife will want to provide day care 5 days a week to multiple kids. They're not her grandchildren and I doubt she'll feel responsible for providing any childcare at all.

My lovely parents helped me out when I had my DCs but this is as guided by them. I kept checking in on what they could do and it worked well.

I think just think what you need first and let them know when you can help.

I would agree with this and I would put in in an email so can lay it out without emotion

What awful selfish daughters you have
They do not care for you or your health in the slightest
And once those children do not need childcare,you won't see them for dust .
Your poor son
I would book in advance with my son when I was visiting him ,and giving the daughters two months notice to find alternative childcare I would give them in writing the dates I was visiting my son ,and will not be available for childcare.
I would be visiting my son every month ..and if the daughters don't like it ,they are free to go elsewhere for childcare.
I would also be telling them from next year ,no more childcare in the holidays

You've raised your children. You clearly love to be a hands on granny but at the end of the day, they are your grandchildren, not your children.
Personally, I would start booking some time away every few weeks (either to see your son or do your own thing) and let your daughters know you are unavailable in those particular dates. You are then taking control of the situation and changing the dynamics.
Let them try threats and emotional blackmail but do not engage - shut down conversations that head that way.
My parents have 5 grandchildren, all live quite close and adore their grandparents, but my parents were always clear that they were not going to take on regular childcare. They are fully involved in our lives, but equally have their own. They will obviously drop everything in an emergency!
Good luck

Stop paying their childcare fees.

stop being their free childcare.

Yanbu ti want to spend equal time with all 3 children and all 7 grandchildren.

Let their dad and SM do it. Don’t feel threatened by that enjoy the freedom it brings.

Stop offering to pay. I despise bullies and as you say they are ganging up on you call their bluff! Start booking events in advance . I am going away for xy and z for this duration, you will have to sort childcare out. Thats a great ideas asking fathers wife ( always woman never their beloved father).

Ps you are meant to be retired and they are treating you like a slave with NO gratitude. Its time for you to be granny instead of Cindarella.

Say no, it is easy just say no

I know here grandparents have to drop everything and do whatever they are told to do but you can say no in the real world

Ps how old are you OP. Energy levems go down as we get older. Your daughters sound so selfish

Adding to the myriad of voices saying you are being taken advantage of.

Maybe offer 1 more term to Easter, then say tue-thur only after that and 2 weeks in summer holidays. That gives them 3 months to sort term time and Easter, and 6 months to sort the long summer.

Then stick to it.

Not RTfullFT but I'd wonder whether, during this threatened great cutting off, they still expect your 1/4 school fees contribution. Any devastation to the children is entiion them. You're not the one threatening to pull all contact.
Previous posters have nailed it. This is actual bullying.

This is completely insane. You should be living YOUR life… that much childcare and help is ridiculous. I’m disgusted with your daughters and hope they see this thread.