To say my DP can’t rent his house to his close female friend for cash

[divisifting]

Been with my boyfriend for over a year now although most of that time was a distance relationship. Since moving closer in August he’s been practically living with me for almost 2 months although not actually moved in.. just living out of a bag staying here every night but usually once a week or so going back to his place on a Sunday just to do washing etc.

Relationship is progressing very well and he’s met all my family and friends yet I’ve not met his. His parents do know about me and he’s promised I’ll meet them this month but an issue has been he has 2 extremely close female friends really his only close friends. They were both married but I was always a bit worried as they would go away a lot the three of them and one of them would say she loves him etc. one of them split from their husband this summer and it’s the only time we’ve argued is when one night he went out with her and her kids when the other friend was away and tried to hide it from me pretty much.

also call it coincidence but when he started living with me coincides with the time I briefly met the other friend and it was a very awkward short interaction, my instinct is she’s jealous as afterwards I heard her husband was upset and my bf was devastated because she told him things wouldn’t be the same and they’ve not been as close.

he said this was also because of the other friend though who’s rapidly got with a new partner involved with kids etc after a very short time. Not sure why but this friend has been living with her kids at the other friends house.

then last week my DP/boyfriend said she wants to move into his house for a bit of cash while her marital house sells and I gather so she can also have this new guy stay with her and her kids. This has caused a big argument as I said we hadn’t even discussed his contribution living with me or him moving in properly and this would change it from being a choice and pretty easy going if he wants to go back to his to actually him moving in for 8 weeks plus because he wants cash.

Tbh I also feel weird about it that he seems to be prioritising these female friend always and the thought of her moving into his house sleeping in his bed makes me really uncomfortable and I feel like not only would he be here by obligation but anytime he went back to his or left for a day etc I’d be super anxious he was there with her!!

we had a big argument and he’s now sent me 140 he says he’ll pay each month. He’s doubled down and now said what if she just rents it for 4/5 weeks over December with a contract and the cash goes in a joint pot for spending on activities for us but I still feel worried about it can I have any thoughts please AIBU? He’s said he’ll be upset if I say no and it makes no different to me but I think it does and she doesn’t need the house she just wants it for cheap rent.

No. Too little too late. He has made it clear that his needs and wants come before yours every step of the way. Throw him back@divisifting, you deserve better.

No! Absolutely not!

He’s using you to pay off his debts. He’s going to be costing you that much at least so you won’t benefit at all from this.

How much is your single occupier council tax rebate that you’ll lose? Anything else impacted, any benefits you receive?

You can’t afford this, and it’s really risky.

so cocklodging, up to his eyeballs in debt, expecting you to somehow shoulder the cost of his fuel to visit you, committing fraud and probably cheating with 1 or both of these women and maybe others. But you are so passive you are looking for excuses for him and his behaviour.

This is a good post.

OP, respectfully... what are you thinking?

Do you think it’s not possible that his friendship with these women is above board then? I always feel like I’m being jealous

This is so not the most important issue here!

He is expecting you to house him for £140 a month whilst he makes cash on the side from his lady friend? Don't be a mug!

You'll spend more than on food for him and then you'll lose your council tax discount!

Find a boyfriend that doesn't treat you like dirt...

No. He's an ass and wanna be cocklodger.

You don't trust him.

I think he's hiding something big from you. You say you've known him for eight years, you're a year into a relationship and you haven't met his parents.

You should be in the honeymoon period of your relationship and he's got 2 women friends you're uneasy about, he's making weird financial choices and using you as lodging to make his friend's life easier, not yours. This should not be so much trouble a year in. I think he sounds shady AF and I don't do shady cocklodgers with myself.

This.
The desperation for a man is so sad.
He's been screwing her financially and now wants to ratchet it up another notch.

A debt ridden user who has found a woman to live off.

You’re letting yourself be treated like a doormat.
And he knows it.

maybe he wants her to move into his and him to yours and then him move back and forth between the pair of you.

So if he mugs you off just a little bit less then would any of us lie down like a doormat?

I’ll ask again - what does he contribute now?

Whats your monthly expenditure including food? I bet it’s more than double what he’s offering.

Are you honestly that desperate for a bloke that you’ll let yourself be taken for a fool.

@divisifting Quite frankly, he sounds daft.

Once his friend moves in, she and her new bloke might decide that they’re not going to move out and he’ll be stuck with them. It’s a tough rental market out there and I bet it’ll take a while to find somewhere even if they’re making a big effort -and they may not bother if they’re comfortable at his house.

In your shoes, I’d tell your DP that you’ve changed your mind about him moving in and you’d like to get back to seeing each other just a few days a week, not six days as it currently is. It’s far better that he lives almost FT in his own house given these odd friendships, plus you haven’t even met his family yet.

Until he’s got himself sorted out, he’s not serious partner material tbh. Set high standards @divisifting, you deserve better than this. 💐

This is not a relationship that is capable of seeing you happily through the rest of your life. End it now before you’re stuck with his feet under your table and a much bigger problem than you already have.

This man is treating you like a convenience. If you choose to continue like this, you’ll only have yourself you blame when you’re miserable another year from now.

So he wants to sponge off you (£140 per month is a joke) while giving his 'friend' a freebie. I think you need to listen to your gut and act accordingly. At the very least, tell him he's not moving in and take 10 steps back.

How much rent are you paying OP? If he's going to live with you, it should be half of that.

Does he pay for food when he's been staying at yours? Does he help with chores etc?

Because on first reading it sounds an awful lot like he was planning to come and live at your place for free while he made a nice bit of tax-free cash for himself by renting his place out, and would have done that with no qualms if you hadn't quite rightly kicked off about it. 140 per month is a staggeringly tiny amount and it sounds a lot like he's an amoral sponger who is taking you for a ride, both financially with this pathetic rent offer, and emotionally, with his odd overly close relationships with these two equally strange sounding women.

My advice: run a mile.

well it was 6 days but this week was the first he stayed 7 and he thinks its basically no change as he can go do other stuff and his washing at the launderette but yeah I’m not happy about it and I’m going to tell him today

As pp said you're not allowed to rent shared ownership. She's probably going to pay his rent/mortgage while he pays you £140 a month. He's quids in.

Cocklodger.

So he’s saving himself an absolute fortune in utility and food bills by staying at yours 6 days a week, but still has massive credit card debts and can only afford to give you £35 a week towards your bills… can he even afford to live in his own property? After all, the gas, electric and water usage will be absolutely minimal, almost just the standing charges.

I think he sees this agreement with his friend as his way out of some of his debt and you as a meal ticket.

Also, what was the husband’s issue? Surely he would be pleased that his wife’s male best friend had found a partner?

This really is only going to end up badly on you OP.

I do believe you get to have a say in what your partner is doing, especially as his decision means you’re living with him while his friend squats or rents from him. I don’t understand the comments that say you don’t.

OP I would be super uncomfortable with this for reasons you have given. It does feel like a cuckoo moving into his place. I also don’t believe that close friendships like the one your partner have is platonic. He’s got a connection with atleast one of them with the other as a cover of “I have female friends”

I can only relate my experiences and men who have close friendships with girls secretly fancy them.

I’d want to get specifics from him. What will the friend pay him per month and how will it divvy up between you and him.? What happens if you split up and the friends still at his place? What happens when the friend moves out? I can see why he wants to help a friend and pay off some debt - it’s win win for him. But it needs to work for you too.

If he could go back to his mums if you guys split up and if he is ok to move out again after and if you are going to benefit financially then I’d be ok with it.

Maybe just say (as I think a PP said) that you have a lot on in the run up to Xmas and he can probably only stay 2-3 (or less) nights a week. His reaction and next steps might answer some questions for you.

He is using you OP. £140 a month is a derisory amount! He couldn't get a room in a shared house for that. Not only that , but, he is unlikely to be able to rent out his shared ownership property as you are generally required to live in the property. Shared ownership is a way for people to get on the property ladder, not to make money by sub letting. He would need to check his lease very carefully indeed before agreeing to this.

With regards to the married friends, King Charles had a couple of married friends when he married Diana. One of them is dead, the other is Queen Camilla.

Please set your sights a little bit higher than this man.

It doesnt sound like you trust him . This early on thats a good indicator it wont last long term .

or just say - no you are not moving in. no excuses, no lies, no apologies - just no.

You're asking the wrong question. You'd be stupid to carry on with this idiot

Yes I meant it should be a week