To say my DP can’t rent his house to his close female friend for cash

[divisifting]

Been with my boyfriend for over a year now although most of that time was a distance relationship. Since moving closer in August he’s been practically living with me for almost 2 months although not actually moved in.. just living out of a bag staying here every night but usually once a week or so going back to his place on a Sunday just to do washing etc.

Relationship is progressing very well and he’s met all my family and friends yet I’ve not met his. His parents do know about me and he’s promised I’ll meet them this month but an issue has been he has 2 extremely close female friends really his only close friends. They were both married but I was always a bit worried as they would go away a lot the three of them and one of them would say she loves him etc. one of them split from their husband this summer and it’s the only time we’ve argued is when one night he went out with her and her kids when the other friend was away and tried to hide it from me pretty much.

also call it coincidence but when he started living with me coincides with the time I briefly met the other friend and it was a very awkward short interaction, my instinct is she’s jealous as afterwards I heard her husband was upset and my bf was devastated because she told him things wouldn’t be the same and they’ve not been as close.

he said this was also because of the other friend though who’s rapidly got with a new partner involved with kids etc after a very short time. Not sure why but this friend has been living with her kids at the other friends house.

then last week my DP/boyfriend said she wants to move into his house for a bit of cash while her marital house sells and I gather so she can also have this new guy stay with her and her kids. This has caused a big argument as I said we hadn’t even discussed his contribution living with me or him moving in properly and this would change it from being a choice and pretty easy going if he wants to go back to his to actually him moving in for 8 weeks plus because he wants cash.

Tbh I also feel weird about it that he seems to be prioritising these female friend always and the thought of her moving into his house sleeping in his bed makes me really uncomfortable and I feel like not only would he be here by obligation but anytime he went back to his or left for a day etc I’d be super anxious he was there with her!!

we had a big argument and he’s now sent me 140 he says he’ll pay each month. He’s doubled down and now said what if she just rents it for 4/5 weeks over December with a contract and the cash goes in a joint pot for spending on activities for us but I still feel worried about it can I have any thoughts please AIBU? He’s said he’ll be upset if I say no and it makes no different to me but I think it does and she doesn’t need the house she just wants it for cheap rent.

You can’t stop your DP from renting his house out to his friend but you can say that he won’t be staying with you while he does

THIS!! Neither of you have talked in an adult way about your financial expectations, who is to contribute what and for what reason and what each of you would expect to take out if and when you split up.

You refer to this man as your DP/boyfriend. There is no partnership in what you have described.

Honestly OP he is too involved with these women friends.
His life is too complicated.
He is forcing the issue of moving in with you.
I see nothing but problems and hurt and precious little happiness if you continue your relationship with him.

It’s already messy, entirely down to him. This is in your honeymoon period. You shouldn’t be feeling so anxious , his behaviour is doing that.

He’s also showing cocklodging tendencies. He should already be contributing given how often he stays one way or another. But £140 a month ( I had to check as even weekly it would be a good deal )! He is an absolute chancer, bin him off. Under no circumstances move him in.

He knows the issue is that it’s her. He says his relationship with her has changed now that he has a new guy and I said I don’t know how to take that so I feel confused about their relationship and I don’t know what conversations are happening without me knowing. He works with them both as well one more than the other (the married one) and then send long messages but he says it’s about work which is possible. I don’t know what to do as he said he needs the money to pay his credit card but after the big argument he’s now saying it can go in a joint account for both of us but I don’t know if a bit of cash is worth the stress and anxiety for me

That is low I know but i know his plan is that he wants to buy a house together etc but he talked about wanting to buy his house out (yes shared ownership I think) to rent it

Do you think it’s not possible that his friendship with these women is above board then? I always feel like I’m being jealous

This man is (ab)using you emotionaly and financially.

Kick him out of your place. Then he doesn't rent it to his 'friend' because he's living there ...

You do not need to help him in any way. Decent people manage their own lives/finances. If the cost of petrol is making the 'relationship' with you difficult for him, unfortunately, he's just not that in to you ... because people who want to see you will make it happen (without complaining or asking for a hand-out)

It’d be a no from me. First you have a conversation about living together, including how it will work financially, then he can rent out his house. He doesn’t get to rent out his house and then just tell you that he is moving in.

Yes I said if this was 6 months down the line maybe i would be happy with it but it feels like it’s being pushed on me because he just says it’s no different he can do his washing at his parents or go to the gym when I want space but I said that makes me feel like I’m being used as a place to stay to benefit him and his friend

It literally doesn't matter.

He is a cuckoo. Moving in, telling you what you'll accept.

I'm not trying to be a bitch but honestly if you accept this now, you are telling him you'll put up with his shit. He isn't looking for amloving relationship He is looking for someone to exploit and if he has to tell you he loves you so he can do that then he will. You are being mugged off.

Not one word in your post about this ‘relationship’ speaks in terms of affection, theres’s no description of any positive aspects that'd make you eager to involve yourself with him. All you've got is stress and confusion!
You are being played for a fool here, and whatever the hell is going on with his little stable of dependent women back home is going to get a damn sight more onerous for you if you don’t put a stop to this immediately.
Things escalated to a worrying level of need for support from you very fast indeed, and it’s all far too messy and sketchy to be a good idea, OP.
No woman needs a man so much that any of this folderol would be worth her while! Come on; gird your loins and chuck him out, sign nothing.

If you don't act fast, you'll find you’ve been inveigled into some kind of emotionally twisted scam you'll rue for many years.
He's not being kind, generous, or thoughtful (unless it’s to his other lady pals); he's just exploiting what you can provide for him. Finish this, asap.

He doesn't think you need to be consulted on his plans even when they affect you directly. He only comes up with some minimal solution when you call him out -till that moment he has given you not one second's thought.

He doesn't see you as a person OP, he sees you as a service, or aet of services, and he invests the absolute minimum to keep you sweet.

This is his view of his life -what can I get out of people (including his female friends). He is no gentleman, and I very much doubt you could ever rely on him to so anything for you unless he felt he was getting more in return.

Nothing in your posts say that you adore him, he cares for you, you can’t wait to see him, you’re excited for your future together, he’s the person you most want to share your inner world with, etc

He just sounds as if he’s doing your head in, he’s hiding you, playing mind games and has the potential to be a piss-taker with your home and finances (if not full blown financial abuse).

I would say ‘run’ but actually stay put, change the locks and bin him off.

You deserve more.

He’s looking for somewhere cosy over winter where he can be kept! Kick him out

Shared ownership houses are for you to live in not rent out ,so he needs to be careful.

Quite frankly, if you’re feeling this jealous after a year, the relationship isn’t working for you. You don’t trust him. And it sounds like you have potential red flags as to why you shouldn’t trust him!

I’m wondering if part of the reason why you let him stay with you all the time is your way of trying to minimise the opportunity for him to do something untrustworthy i.e. cheat.

You can’t tell him what he can do with his home. He can let whoever he wants stay there. But it goes both ways. He can’t tell you what to do with your home either! He sounds like a cocklodger. I think you would be better off reducing the number of nights he stays at yours. Let him stay a max of 4 nights per week. I appreciate that you will probably feel like you’re going insane with jealousy for those 3 nights when he’s not with you but that’s a red flag in itself. You need to tackle this and find out if you’re the problem or he is. I strongly suspect it’s him.

No I do love him and I believe he loves me he’s been there for me as a friend for 8 years on and off before we got into a proper relationship and he is reliable he helps out with the house and things. But I do realise that he’s only offering me to share the money (unspecified amount) because I kicked off over it and I do worry what conversations have and are going on with these women without me knowing as he’s so defensive

I said that makes me feel like I’m being used as a place to stay to benefit him and his friend

That's because you are being used.

However, the problem is not him, it's you. You are allowing this. If you stop allowing it, it won't happen.

Tell him he can't live with you.

Leaving aside the question of the female friends - is he HONESTLY saying he will live with you 7 days a week and pay £140 a month???? Did you not tell him he's having a laugh? Your electricity bill will go up, your food bills will go up, and meanwhile he gets cash from his 'tenant'? So what if he has bills - how is that your concern? He is automatically thinking he can come and scrounge off you! I'm so annoyed on your behalf.

Decision made then. It’s too soon regardless of anything else.

If he wants to make money from (most likely illegally) subletting his home, he can stay with his parents and give them a pathetic £140/month instead.

If you love each other then presumably that love is not dependent on where he lives? He can live in his own house can't he.

I was really worried about his friends especially as he seemed reluctant for me to meet them so then when I moved here I thought this is it I’ll meet them he was going on weekends away etc but then when I was time to meet one of them as I said it was so awkward she was really off with me I got very bad vibes so to speak and I feel like if she was happy for him she’d be excited and want to meet me properly if she’s so close to him and loves him etc but then there was something with her husband being unhappy too and the dynamics changing at that same time which is also the point he started staying with me

This is a disaster.

No you can’t live with me and actually whilst we are on the topic - I want to spend one night a week at yours, you spent one night a week here and the rest are on my own or date night.

so we wants to pay you £3 a night for board and lodging, food, bills and sex whilst he rents out his house (illegal and gives her rights) and makes a profit - is he insane? . Please throw this one back. This is not a good man - already lying and hiding stuff and definitely looking for a free ride.

He’s manipulating you into moving himself in and he reaps financial benefits. It is shockingly soon for for his friend to move a new partner in with her dc and the whole situation likely very unstable. Tenancies are a minimum of six months and carry responsibilities as a ll which he is conveniently overlooking. However his friends are not really the issue for you, he is a red flag.