To feel that DD2 has ruined ours lives

[Hoverflies]

She is 3.5. Every single day since she was born has been so hard. She fed constantly as a baby and if she was awake and not feeding she was screaming. She was never content as a baby, never slept well and ever since has been screaming at us every single day for huge portions of the day. She has a meltdown multiple times per hour, she screams at us all and hits us constantly and her sister. Every day involves her changing her clothes constantly and screaming that it's too tight, too loose, doesn't feel right. She won't wear any shoes. The car seat is too tight, its too loose, its wonky. She's constantly destroying things and throwing things. She's been screaming got most of the evening because she's hungry but won't eat any of the food, she's cold but won't wear any clothes, she's exhausted but she won't go to bed.

But then at other times and with other people she is a delight. Smiley, funny and happy. Very clever. People actually think we are making it up! Meanwhile we are actually thinking we might need to move house because the walls are so thin that the neighbours will be hearing screaming for almost the entire time we are at home.

We have basically spent the time she has been alive extremely stressed and exhausted. Our good relationship with DD1 was destroyed as we had hardly any energy for her and I end up taking things out on her and being too hard on her. We like to play games together and read and do crafts but it's so hard when DD2 is around because she just ruins it every time. I can barely hear what DD1 is saying to me most of the time over the shouting. My relationship with DP is in the toilet because of the stress.

I don't know if she has PDA or if she has got extremely high cortisol levels as she was basically starved as a newborn, she lost so much weight and took months to put it back on because she couldn't feed properly.

I constantly think of the lovely time we would all be having without her here which I know is awful. I do love her so much but our lives at the moment feel far worse for her being here.

I genuinely don't know.

I think you're a very overwhelmed, stressed out parent who needs a big hug and support. Understandably, you don't want to dislike your own child.

Please try to focus on your next step. I agree with others that autism assessment is sensible, at least to rule it out.

Tbh OP I wouldn't waste any more time in doing your own research, at this point it's not going to actually help and it's just delaying things when it sounds like ye are in crisis. You need to reach out to professionals now to get her on an assessment path, you all need help and support.
Write out what a typical day for you/her is and take it to your GP, the sensory overload around fabrics and restrictive but not compressive enough clothing alone sound incredible intense, she cannot cope and cannot communicate the issue and you are all suffering

I never said it was. I don’t think anyone has said the OPs DD is definitively autistic/ADHD/SPD/allergic to something/whatever. Because that would be irresponsible on MN. Multiple people have suggested that this could be the underlying issue though and professional assessment would be a good idea.

And no, neurodivergence is not a reason to dismiss boundaries. I have to parent ND DC1 significantly more than NT DC2 for behaviour I feel is appropriate. But application of boundaries may look entirely different for different children. And it’s okay to suggest that.

Or you recognise that your child is not feeling the world in the way you are. Rather than forcing them to be something they aren’t, which leads to confusion, rage and that they don’t fit, you recognise and respect that they experience the world differently to you and flex to make room, like you would for a friend. They are children, not play dough.

This! Of course OP's daughter isn't at school yet...my daughter has two formal diagnoses of PDA, and things got so much better from year 9 onwards when she was able to choose her subjects. She is now an adult, living with her partner, doing a job with a lot of autonomy - it is getting them safely through the school years that is the biggest challenge.

Spot on

You sound just like my mother who was abusive to her autistic children.

The approach you are suggesting won’t help the dd1, it will only make life worse for everyone concerned. What will help the dd1 as well as the dd2 is for her disabled sister’s sensory needs to be met and her nervous system soothed so that she can begin to regulate. Meltdown is neurological.

As for the poster who said ‘you have a normal dd1…’

Just wow.

OP, yanbu to feel the way you do. Parenting ND children when you are ND yourself is hard. You clearly love both DDs. You will need to grow a thick skin. People will criticise you whatever you do.

It can get easier. There isn’t really any professional support and a diagnosis doesn’t really unlock any but is still worthwhile imo. For your understanding and for your DD’s understanding of her own brain and where she fits in the world.

Look at the PDA Pandas approach and the neurobears course as a starting point.

Amazing how many people on MN can cure neurodivergence so easily.

I was speaking to a high school guidance teacher who was saying over 1/3 of teens in her high school were either ASd or suspected ASD, so maybe we need to accept this is a bigger thing and work with young people rather than forcing them to conform to our boxes. Maybe if we all looked at the world slightly differently we could all make room for everyone to exist happily.

Indeed, I agree with everything you've said here, you've articulated it well.

It doesn't negate my initial POV or relevance of applying my own experiences/ learnings. It's just my opinion, ultimately OP is free to do whatever she wishes.

This forum, and society more widely, rushes too quickly for diagnoses (and sometimes medication).

Amazing how so many on MN can diagnose neurodivergence so easily. Lmao.

Interesting you say that! Also recognised my mothers beliefs in that comment!

This makes no sense. So you want to enforce clear boundaries but would be happy for your child to forgo socks whenever they don’t feel right? What if it’s not their socks, but their pants, or their top, or trousers/skirt? Socks are the worse for my daughter but all of them have been a problem at some time or other. And yes, sometimes I have acknowledged her discomfort and still said if she doesn’t put them on I will. Only once she has had the chance to choose the ones that feel best, she has been given as much control as possible over what she wears and has had plenty of time to do it herself. Because sometimes we all have to do things we really don’t feel good about because there is a greater reason (wearing pants for example, for hygiene and privacy). My daughter was a lovely happy baby and is still a wonderful child who is kind and thoughtful and sweet when she has slept well, eaten, doesn’t need a wee and isn’t facing any sensory challenges, is well behaved and thoughtful. But it’s a different matter when she gets wet by accident, is overtired, over hungry or needs a wee and has held it for ages because the toilets at school are too dirty. She masks at school but lets it out at home. She’s like someone else, almost an animal. She is melting down, not trantruming. She feels terrible afterward.

OP, it can feel impossible, but help is out there. It won’t solve everything. There will be some things where you need to absolutely hold firm boundaries on, but you aren’t alone and whether your DC needs SEN support or just to grow out of it, you can both get more support.

My point was there are parents out there getting ten pairs of socks out for a three year old who is throwing a tanrum, which is ridiculous and pandering. They wear the socks they're given or go without. They're three. Of course they're going to push boundaries and test you as a parent.

That’s not how a young child with no issues acts. Have you gone to the GP? Does your DD go to nursery, if so have they mentioned anything?

I used to feel a bit like this with DS when he was young- not as bad and he grew out of a lot of the behaviours, he’s an adult now but he’s def undiagnosed ASD. I thought he could be autistic when he was younger, but i didn’t know enough about it and thought I’d be laughed out of the room. Unf DS’s mental health has never been good - he’s had a lot of interventions bur I - and now he - thinks he is on the spectrum.

Basically you need to get the ball rolling and I hope things improve. Hindsight is a wonderful thing - we could’ve saved years of MH issues if I’d been more aware and forceful.

I’m sure that’s the case for your child but if the point of your post is to suggest that my child is ND and masking it then you are incorrect. I was very open to a diagnosis when he was younger but as I said, he grew out of it and his behaviour is very settled and he’s a happy lad.

I am making no point here about anyone else’s experiences or diagnoses or parenting. I just felt it relevant to point out that I had a different experience.

Solidarity!! Sounds like you are were I was last year when my daughter was this age, thought there was no light.. we got a diagnosis- autism with pda profile . Nothing in Respect of her needs have changed BUT the change has been in how we approach everything , look but pda society, instagramer like atpeaceparents and start a low demand approach and see how you go. It goes against every traditional parenting approach I had with my old children and life is hard but a lot easier a year on- we have mellowed a lot and adjusted our own expectations and that’s been the most positive change. How I regulate myself to hold it all together on the bonkers days and not let myself spiral. I feel grief for my older children and how their childhood is impacted and also my marriage but I hold onto hope that there are brighter days ahead!

Autism, Hypermobility Syndrome Disorder, allergies, gut issues and bladder issues often go together.

Screaming as a baby could be sensory issues or acid reflux or allergies/sensitivities to food causing her to be in pain.

Definitely sounds like sensory issues around clothes. (Could be the equivalent feeling to having grass seeds stuck in your clothes but is only the seems or labels) (unpick the stitching on the labels) Some labels really hurt.

Some noises cause physical pain in the ears.

Some sensations on the skin can be physically painful. (Light touch for example)

The child could be in pain a lot of the time from sensory stimuli.

It's your job to work out what is causing the problem and try to fix it. Keep a diary.

Keep well fed, hydrated, not too hot or cold. Reduce demands, give choices, reduce sensory stimulation.

Please educate yourself on autism in girls and also silent reflux - the constantly needing to feed is a major symptom plus screaming when not feeding also sign as that’s what they do - trying to keep the pain at bay by feeding all the time and when they stop they are in agony. It makes behavioural problems a lot worse and will also be ongoing unless you get her on the correct meds and find out if she also has a good intolerance/allergy - often milk protein which includes human milk

Lol did you read the original post?!

Unfortunately everyone is an expert with Sen. I genuinely don’t know why children need diagnosing by professionals anymore because every random on the street knows the answer.

Your child could be Sen. Or she will grow out of this behaviour. I have seen the most difficult/absolutely have adhd pda change the second they hit year 3/4.