To feel that DD2 has ruined ours lives

[Hoverflies]

She is 3.5. Every single day since she was born has been so hard. She fed constantly as a baby and if she was awake and not feeding she was screaming. She was never content as a baby, never slept well and ever since has been screaming at us every single day for huge portions of the day. She has a meltdown multiple times per hour, she screams at us all and hits us constantly and her sister. Every day involves her changing her clothes constantly and screaming that it's too tight, too loose, doesn't feel right. She won't wear any shoes. The car seat is too tight, its too loose, its wonky. She's constantly destroying things and throwing things. She's been screaming got most of the evening because she's hungry but won't eat any of the food, she's cold but won't wear any clothes, she's exhausted but she won't go to bed.

But then at other times and with other people she is a delight. Smiley, funny and happy. Very clever. People actually think we are making it up! Meanwhile we are actually thinking we might need to move house because the walls are so thin that the neighbours will be hearing screaming for almost the entire time we are at home.

We have basically spent the time she has been alive extremely stressed and exhausted. Our good relationship with DD1 was destroyed as we had hardly any energy for her and I end up taking things out on her and being too hard on her. We like to play games together and read and do crafts but it's so hard when DD2 is around because she just ruins it every time. I can barely hear what DD1 is saying to me most of the time over the shouting. My relationship with DP is in the toilet because of the stress.

I don't know if she has PDA or if she has got extremely high cortisol levels as she was basically starved as a newborn, she lost so much weight and took months to put it back on because she couldn't feed properly.

I constantly think of the lovely time we would all be having without her here which I know is awful. I do love her so much but our lives at the moment feel far worse for her being here.

I recognise and respect other family members have a right to a life free from this violence.

This is the worse advice possible, please ignore.

Letting a three year old rule the roost and be pandered to at every turn. I dont call that good advice.

No one is suggesting that. Parenting neuro divergent children simply means changing tack in how you approach things. This calms them down and allows you to be more in control. Constantly battling with a child is not useful.

Its not being a dictator setting rules and boundaries for kids! Its helping them thrive and grow up to be functional socially acceptaptable humans! IMO

It’s ok to feel like this OP. Lots of other parents have had these feelings. My dd is autistic. She was diagnosed at 6, and at 3.5 she sounds similar. By 6 she had violent meltdowns. She would hit me, bite me, I was covered in bruises. She’s now 13, and a lovely young woman who I enjoy spending time with.

I definitely felt like you, and as previous people have said I do even accept that on many ways our lives would have been simpler and easier if we hadn’t have had her. My DS has certainly missed out on some stuff, including attention from me. And things like clubs and activities in evenings, holidays, days out.

But as she got older, I got better at managing her needs, making adjustments and she was better able to communicate. We have now been on holidays, we do go places, and life is calmer.

I have been where you are and thought those things. But my dd is one of my favourite people in the world now. She’s a clever and funny and loving girl, she’s going to achieve great things now she knows what she needs and she’s in a specialist school that supports her. Give yourself a break x

OP this sounds so hard and I don’t judge you one bit for how you worded your post. If I was in your shoes, I would be seeking a private assessment with a paediatrician and child psychologist, possibly a psychiatrist as well (but I would do the first two first). Put it on a credit card if you have too as NHS waiting lists are likely to be several years long and you can’t go on like this. A couple of sessions with a paediatrician & psychologist for assessment, diagnosis, and at least some initial guidance for what is going to work best for your DD on a day to day basis will go a long way.

This is the approach that did real damage to my sister. She was called a demon, naughty, devil child etc. It became a bit self fulfilling and she went off the rails at high school. She was diagnosed ASD in her late thirties and suddenly so much made sense. My mum felt awful.

Also she never learned it wasn’t worth it, that wasn’t how her brain worked. It was worth it for the instan5 gratification.

Your comment clearly proves that people (willingly or not) do not understand a strictER parenting mode setting up healthy and reasonable boundaries.

If you call normal parenting setting often irrational rules and boundaries just because you can., you just sum up everything that is wrong with the lazy permissive gentle parenting you advocate.

Thank you very much for proving my point, and showing who is unreasonable here.

Frankly, your sister's problems are none of my concern. I wish you both well.

Many autistic children are a lot younger than their age. You see age three but most will act more like a two year old. My son is nearly four but his behaviour is more like a two year old.

Yep, so you learn to recognise when your child is getting overwhelmed by the world and the triggers for melt downs, and you put in place strategies. A place to hide, soft blankets, clear routines, fidget toys, noise cancelling headphones, or whatever it is that works. Once you recognise why they melt down you can stop it or stop it escalating and everyone will be happier and safer.

You don’t just expect them to conform to whatever old fashioned discipline you adhere to, because you aren’t recognising the pain they are in.

I think most of us are saying to bring the child To the professionals to see if the behaviour which appears to be sensory/gut related is due to neurodiversity. Waiting to see if they grow out of it by the age of 6 and then trying to get on a waiting list for assessment at that point makes no sense to me tbh

And yet you are clearly unwilling to see the ‘advice’ you are doling out could be deeply damaging to a child and their relationship with their family. How old are you anyway? You sound like someone in your sixties or more with your old fashioned authoritarian parenting views.

That isn’t what is being said. ND kids often need very clear routines, and if you mess with things or change things last minute it is overwhelming. You can have routines, boundaries, ways to deal with melt downs. But if you don’t learn why they are happening then you can’t help a child manage it.

Your mum's deficiencies as a parent have no bearing on me. I am not your mum, and not responsible for your trauma.

But so many people are adamant that because she has an aversion to different textures or fit of clothing proves that she has sensory issues and therefore simply must be autistic.

look, she’s 3. 3 year olds can be awfully hard work, defiant, irrational, pushing every boundary. This does not mean she has any medical issue beyond the realms of what is normal. Even if the other sibling is completely different, that still doesn’t prove anything. They are two separate individuals.

my (now adult) nephew is severely autistic, non verbal, essentially behaves like a 2 year old in a man’s body. Lives with 2:1 carers to keep him, his family and the wider population safe.

So yes it is frustrating to see how many children are being diagnosed as neurodivergent when their behaviour COULD be within the realms of what is perfectly normal, albeit challenging, but could be addressed using other strategies.

@TomatoSandwiches @ThatKeenShaker it's pertinent i think that your two responses are adjacent.
Our second dd had similar tendencies - not to the extreme extent op has described - but lots of instances of being frozen in indecision with massive rage, only being able to wear certain clothes/fabrics. Huge issues with transitions. This went on for many years. My DH assumed she was being manipulative and was doing things purposely to get her own way. I suspected she was struggling with overwhelming emotions she didn't know how to deal with. I was usually the one to deal with the rages, which in later years involved her biting herself to draw blood, headbanging the walls and pulling her hair out in clumps. These incidents often coincided with her having to go to school, on the days where i had meetings i couldn't miss. It was stressful. I took her to the GP who said he 'didn't want to label her' but suspected she had some neurodiverse tendencies. We haven't had an incident for about a year now, I am hopeful that she's grown out of her issues, or at least learned to manage them better.
I think we struggled initially to think our child had neuro differences, and it was difficult to reconcile her behaviour as indicative of these rather than her being naughty. Looking back, this was incredibly ignorant of us, and i carry alot of guilt about failing to meet my DDs needs sooner. Like others have said, please seek professional advice without delay. You will need to pay for it (although when i tried to find a private child therapist there was no one locally with capacity)

I think most posters are agreed that you are giving terrible advice, have an awful attitude to children and generally should be ignored.

At least my mum took it on herself to learn and change when we learned more about ASD. In the eighties it wasn’t a thing. You have no excuse for this ignorance.

Might just be me but I think you can tell at three or four the ND children especially boys. I realise in the playground that he is different to other children his age. If a child is getting a diagnosis then it is because they are most likely to be ND.

You might as well say to put her in barbed wire, that's how some clothes feel to someone who is ND.

OP

Virtually everyone on this thread is thinking Autism, ADHD, PDA so why not treat her as though she has a diagnosis?

I was like you too once. I knew everything.
They I had my daughter and everything changed. Being " strict" with her really would not work. I know, because I tried it before I really understood her. It made everything worse for everyone.If you don't have a child like this, you really have no idea.
It's a bit like asking why a child is being pandered to by going everywhere in a wheelchair. It's high time that they were walking. Look at my child, I was strict with them and they walk everywhere.
It's a disability. Children can't help it.

But she DOES have sensory issues at the moment, that's a fact. Whether those sensory issues are due to being autistic is a different matter

Not that I'd care, but I actually received a lot likes on my posts.

It's not ignorance when someone knowingly doesn't agree with your position. Your anecdotes cannot be generalised or extrapolated to circumstances of every other person. Get over yourself.

Exactly, I agree. she does have some sensory discomfort related to clothing. So do I, so do many other people. It might equal neurodivergence but equally it may not.

It’s just that those who are convinced that it must be because she’s neurodiverse and that it can’t possibly be attributed to anything else is what is frustrating here.