To feel that DD2 has ruined ours lives

[Hoverflies]

She is 3.5. Every single day since she was born has been so hard. She fed constantly as a baby and if she was awake and not feeding she was screaming. She was never content as a baby, never slept well and ever since has been screaming at us every single day for huge portions of the day. She has a meltdown multiple times per hour, she screams at us all and hits us constantly and her sister. Every day involves her changing her clothes constantly and screaming that it's too tight, too loose, doesn't feel right. She won't wear any shoes. The car seat is too tight, its too loose, its wonky. She's constantly destroying things and throwing things. She's been screaming got most of the evening because she's hungry but won't eat any of the food, she's cold but won't wear any clothes, she's exhausted but she won't go to bed.

But then at other times and with other people she is a delight. Smiley, funny and happy. Very clever. People actually think we are making it up! Meanwhile we are actually thinking we might need to move house because the walls are so thin that the neighbours will be hearing screaming for almost the entire time we are at home.

We have basically spent the time she has been alive extremely stressed and exhausted. Our good relationship with DD1 was destroyed as we had hardly any energy for her and I end up taking things out on her and being too hard on her. We like to play games together and read and do crafts but it's so hard when DD2 is around because she just ruins it every time. I can barely hear what DD1 is saying to me most of the time over the shouting. My relationship with DP is in the toilet because of the stress.

I don't know if she has PDA or if she has got extremely high cortisol levels as she was basically starved as a newborn, she lost so much weight and took months to put it back on because she couldn't feed properly.

I constantly think of the lovely time we would all be having without her here which I know is awful. I do love her so much but our lives at the moment feel far worse for her being here.

Us too. It is exhausting and has seriously affected our quality of life as a family. The earlier you seek support, the better.

Thank you, I hope she feels that way, She has her Muslin, that she keeps near by, when she’s overwhelmed, she picks that up for comfort. She is a fan of texture/touches most things.
shes amazing i love her, the emotions flash super quick and very big x

It sounds incredibly stressful for you. It sounds like you could use some time each week to step away and have some breathing space. It also sounds like you could use some help to understand what she needs and how to deal with her behaviour. Please don’t beat yourself up about your feelings, you’re exhausted by it all but do seek help.

DD1 was very similar. It turned out to be autism. She was our eldest. Talk to your HV. Ask about a referral to SaLT. We used Boardmaker a great deal for communication to eliminate that ‘demand’. We deferred her school start too which was most beneficial when she started secondary school.

I had a breakdown when she started primary school. I’m not sure I ever recovered.

This is still quite a classic presentation of female autism.

I haven’t read the whole thread but just wanted right say your post stood out to me so much as my DS2 was exactly the same.
DS1 was an angel then 5 years later along came DS2. He arrived 2 months early and literally turned our lives upside down. From the moment he was born, he was hard work. Had awful reflux so I spent hours feeding him for him to them vomit everywhere. Days out were meticulously planned around whether or not he would kick off. Nothing was ever right, his food, his clothes, his bed, his toys. He would scream in his pushchair then scream if we got him out to walk. I vividly remember one day just sobbing on holiday (that was a nightmare too!) as we were in this amazing place but he just couldn’t be happy. There were brief moments of calm and happiness but most of his childhood was spent trying to deal with his meltdowns.
Interestingly when he started school he calmed down a huge amount and we got to see the kind, funny little boy that he was. There were still huge meltdowns but more spaced out than they had been before. His school SENCO suggested in Year 5 to get him assessed for ASD and at the end of Year 6 he was diagnosed with ASD (we went private as after COVID the wait was 5 years here). She likened him to a cup, everyone starts their day off with a cup that’s empty so it can take the stresses of the day. With a child it might be the wrong plate, a broken toy, frustration with a friend or simply being bored. With DS, he starts his day off with his cup already completely full and any tiny little thing which might seem inconsequential to you or I will tip him over the edge. He is now 15 and genuinely one of the kindest, funniest boys there is. We still have explosions as we call them but he deals with them himself for the most part. I wish I could go back and do his childhood again, I spent so much of it wishing he hadn’t been born because he was so hard work, that I never got to appreciate him.

Most likely she’s learned to mask. Which is saving up issues for later.

That would be an easy assumption if you assumed i hadn't given this any thought 🙄
We chat regularly about where she's at and i offer support daily. Lots of issues still around perfectionism and self sabotage, which I'm constantly researching to offer appropriate approaches. I don't think she's masking, i think she's constantly identifying ways to manage.

It really is, being autistic doesn't mean your behaviour or struggle is exactly the same in all stages and places of your life, there's a reason some many females are only diagnosed in mid to late teens

You're describing sensory issues so may need help for her.
Alongside this, you will have to work out some systems for her, sit down and agree rules which should assist if ND.
For example, one outfit in the morning and then you eat lunch and we change into second outfit. She knows the rules and the boundaries and how to comply.

There’s nothing lazy about low demand parenting an ND child. It takes a lot.

I have the upmost compassion for OP and DD1 - I work with neurodivergent children, I see the family struggles day in, day out. Your advice to OP would cause so many more problems for the family dynamic.

Autistic SPECTRUM disorder. The word spectrum is the key. I’m sorry about your nephew.

I said "irrational rules and boundaries".

Sorry, but many parents have very fixed ideas and expect their children to go along with them regardless.

My mother was like this. I had huge sensory issues as a child. I walked on tip toe, screamed the place down when it came to getting water on my face, and could not eat soft, bland food. I craved movement.

But my mother was not interested in any of my needs. For example, all the food we ate was soft and bland. I would sit literally for hours trying to eat it, as she insisted on a clean plate.

This is what I mean about irrational rules.

Too many people insist their child wears x when they want to wear y, that sort of thing. They get the paints out and expect the child to spend the next hour painting, even if the child is bored. Because they said so.

It is this kind of thing I'm talking about. Not eh allowing children to be rude or violent with no consequences.

I don't think anyone gets told to be stricter on a parenting course. The problem is usually the exact opposite - parents try to crack down on unwanted behaviour with punishments, consequences new rules, star charts, escalating to even more of the same when it doesn't work etc.

Instead you are encouraged to show curiosity and empathy, look at your key goals, learn how to keep the child regulated, using de escalation techniques.

I was sent on several parenting courses. I have even done NVR, which is a sort of gold standard parenting course. I can assure you that being strict is not where it's at.

Easy kids respond to any technique. That's not who we are talking about here.

Basically it's horse whisperer versus horse breaker.

I’ve heard of this, they call it ‘autistic burnout’. The child melts down really easily because they’re so exhausted from masking it all the time that they can’t keep their emotions in at home and just erupt.

I'm also guessing there is some sort of neruodivergence going on there which needs addressing ASAP. Neurotypicals can't even begin to imagine what life is like for those on the spectrum.

But if this child has Pathological Demand Avoidance, rather than ‘just’ autism then trying to enforce rules won’t work and will cause far far more friction. My DD was a nightmare too and I had to rally change my parenting concepts for her, but not for DS. I had to parent them differently to meet their different needs. It was excruciating and often soulless. But each year at her birthday time I would think back over the year’s teeny improvements and he very grateful of a light at the ending the tunnel. Now a young adult, still often distant, arguments, awkward but so lovely too, We even hug sometimes!!

@ForNoisyCat your post has given me hope !