To feel that DD2 has ruined ours lives

[Hoverflies]

She is 3.5. Every single day since she was born has been so hard. She fed constantly as a baby and if she was awake and not feeding she was screaming. She was never content as a baby, never slept well and ever since has been screaming at us every single day for huge portions of the day. She has a meltdown multiple times per hour, she screams at us all and hits us constantly and her sister. Every day involves her changing her clothes constantly and screaming that it's too tight, too loose, doesn't feel right. She won't wear any shoes. The car seat is too tight, its too loose, its wonky. She's constantly destroying things and throwing things. She's been screaming got most of the evening because she's hungry but won't eat any of the food, she's cold but won't wear any clothes, she's exhausted but she won't go to bed.

But then at other times and with other people she is a delight. Smiley, funny and happy. Very clever. People actually think we are making it up! Meanwhile we are actually thinking we might need to move house because the walls are so thin that the neighbours will be hearing screaming for almost the entire time we are at home.

We have basically spent the time she has been alive extremely stressed and exhausted. Our good relationship with DD1 was destroyed as we had hardly any energy for her and I end up taking things out on her and being too hard on her. We like to play games together and read and do crafts but it's so hard when DD2 is around because she just ruins it every time. I can barely hear what DD1 is saying to me most of the time over the shouting. My relationship with DP is in the toilet because of the stress.

I don't know if she has PDA or if she has got extremely high cortisol levels as she was basically starved as a newborn, she lost so much weight and took months to put it back on because she couldn't feed properly.

I constantly think of the lovely time we would all be having without her here which I know is awful. I do love her so much but our lives at the moment feel far worse for her being here.

She’s still little and the sooner you get proper clinical support the better.

Have a read of the book ‘the explosive child’ if you haven’t already

You have a normal dd1. Cherish her. Help her. It is not easy on her.

Edited as was meant to quote previous poster

My sister had these meltdowns as a small child before we knew what ASD was. She was strictly disciplined 80s style. It did not work. It made it worse.

we thought she was allergic to food colourings, and she was, but that was only part of the story. She was overwhelmed, overstimulated and couldn’t’t manage her emotions. You can’t bully that into a kid.

Seriously? Is that your advice? What would you have OP do with her other daughter?

My girls don’t give a shit about consequences.
It’s great for you that your kid can manage with normal consequences and discipline.
Until you have been in OPs shoes you will NEVER understand the mental beating of being terrorised on an hourly basis. No matter what you do, nothing helps. When your kid calms down for 5 mins and simply looking at them the wrong way sets them off again.
I’ve been suicidal because of it. But you’re right. They just need some good consequences and everything will be grand. 🙄

DD2 is showing so many markers of neurodivergence - she isn’t choosing to act those ways to be naughty and spiteful, she doesn’t have a choice in this!!

where is your compassion!!

You "disciplined him properly" sounds chilling.

A lot of parallels with my son who is autistic with a PDA profile. Please get a diagnosis and support in place as soon as you can. We found going from nursery (where they have a fair bit of autonomy) to school (many demands) was hard and then his school placement broke down completely and we’re clawing our way back into formal education,

He was also my second child. We find divide and conquer the best scenario for ensuring 1:1 time with his sister.

This was my dd 18 years ago. I have to say “she was an awful child”, she cried a lot, hated people looking at her or touching her in any way, sensitive to clothes, issues with feeding and eventually really fussy with food and textures. Age 2-5 was probably the hardest. My dd was diagnosed autistic when she was 4. She’s now almost 22, has just finished uni and I can now say “she didn’t ruin my life, she made life hard because life was hard for her”. It does get easier but there will always be some challenging times.

This is what my Asd dd was like.

It’s so hard.

It's OK to feel like this. It is especially OK to feel like this if you are neurodiverse yourself and feel overwhelmed. You have been honest about your private feelings which is so brave.
Your child might be neurodiverse and have sensory issues which could explain a lot of this. Ask for support for a possible diagnosis and how to parent an autistic/ ADHD child.

And the sensory stuff? Where does that fit in with your "she's a brat" theory? It's actually the key here.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond and for your insight. I really love her and am trying to be what she needs but I can see that I am falling short. I am going to try to learn more so I can be better for her and hopefully we can find a way to make things work as a family

My dd was much like this. She was finally diagnosed as ASD at age 9. That diagnosis didn’t matter very much. It mostly just was a relief. We no longer had to feel guilty about the choice we had made to parent her exactly as she needed to be parented.

she is now a teenager thinking about which university to attend. She has friends. She works part-time during school breaks.

those early years were very, very hard. Some days now are still hard. Mostly though, we are just parenting like any other parent now. We have a routine and it works for all of us.

But the sensory issues are nothing to do with behaviour or parenting.

It was very similar for me when our (adopted) DD1, now 16, was small. She caused no problems at either nursery or primary school; she kept it all in and then used to let rip once she came home. Better ages of 6-10 she used to be violent towards me and occasionally to DD2. She would scream and throw or break things. She still throws things now, and shouts, though she hasn’t been violent towards me for a long time. (It is possible to reason with her now.)

I’ve since read that girls who are ND ‘mask’ at school and then let it all out with their parents, who are their ‘safe place’. Not easy for the parents to cope with that, though!

I’m sorry it’s so difficult, OP, YANBU to find it really hard.

Parents who are having an average to easy time parenting are not likely to post on MN. Parents who are having an extremely difficult time parenting are. If I was having slight issues with a child disliking her clothers and being a bit of a pain about it I probably wouldn’t make a MN account and post about it. If I had a child who was removing her clothes tens of times a day all whilst screaming and crying and resorting to violence to avoid having to wear anything I probably would. That’s why there is an above average amount of threads of kids with extreme behaviour.

Those of us who have been through this before are likely to still be around. We spot the signs and symptoms and can apply pattern recognition. It’s not about condoning bad parenting. Heck, there is definitely bad parenting out there. It’s about recognising that there is a common constellation of signs and symptoms that has lead to a professional diagnosis in our children. Not always, sure, but very often. Especially in the case of a family with otherwise ‘normal’ other children.

Seriously, you need to see your GP as soon as possible and ask for a referral to a paediatrician and/or CAMHS for a proper assessment. It would also be well worth getting an assessment by an occupational therapist with qualifications in sensory integration issues - you might have to access that privately.

Does she go to nursery? What do they say about her?

This. My friend has a child like this - spends such a long time in the morning having meltdowns over her socks being the wrong colour or her coat sleeves being too tight. She and her poor sibling are late to school every day because she is constantly being pandered to.

Her grandma brings them to school once a week and shockingly enough, they always manage to be on time, because she refuses to be dictated to by a tantrumming five year old.

Sure, some kids are on the spectrum. Some are just little shits.

If the OP is such a shit parent who produces ‘little shits’ why is her DD1 not showing these issues?

<silence>

@Cocopops22 it must be really hard as a single parent but honestly I think you’re overestimating how much help a partner can be. It isn’t enough for one parent to take one child and one parent to take the other and say child 1 is fine because they are kept away from sibling. Besides, at least one parent will have to work FT, usually,

Is your friends 5 year old a ‘little sh1t’?

where is your compassion for DD1

even if you have none for the OP?

It really isn’t fair to judge someone in this situation unless you’ve walked in their shoes. I honestly can’t imagine coping myself with a child who demands so much of your time and focus at the expense of others in the family. OPs relationship with her other dc and her husband is fractured, and it must be exhausting.