To feel that DD2 has ruined ours lives

[Hoverflies]

She is 3.5. Every single day since she was born has been so hard. She fed constantly as a baby and if she was awake and not feeding she was screaming. She was never content as a baby, never slept well and ever since has been screaming at us every single day for huge portions of the day. She has a meltdown multiple times per hour, she screams at us all and hits us constantly and her sister. Every day involves her changing her clothes constantly and screaming that it's too tight, too loose, doesn't feel right. She won't wear any shoes. The car seat is too tight, its too loose, its wonky. She's constantly destroying things and throwing things. She's been screaming got most of the evening because she's hungry but won't eat any of the food, she's cold but won't wear any clothes, she's exhausted but she won't go to bed.

But then at other times and with other people she is a delight. Smiley, funny and happy. Very clever. People actually think we are making it up! Meanwhile we are actually thinking we might need to move house because the walls are so thin that the neighbours will be hearing screaming for almost the entire time we are at home.

We have basically spent the time she has been alive extremely stressed and exhausted. Our good relationship with DD1 was destroyed as we had hardly any energy for her and I end up taking things out on her and being too hard on her. We like to play games together and read and do crafts but it's so hard when DD2 is around because she just ruins it every time. I can barely hear what DD1 is saying to me most of the time over the shouting. My relationship with DP is in the toilet because of the stress.

I don't know if she has PDA or if she has got extremely high cortisol levels as she was basically starved as a newborn, she lost so much weight and took months to put it back on because she couldn't feed properly.

I constantly think of the lovely time we would all be having without her here which I know is awful. I do love her so much but our lives at the moment feel far worse for her being here.

I have 4 children on the spectrum. If this is all accurate, she is so clearly autistic. Call your health visitor and get her the help she so desperately needs.

Lots of sensory needs. Have you tried anything like headphones, chew toys or weighted blanket to see if it improves things? I would ask for a referral to an occupational therapist for help with the sensory needs and also start the assessment process for ASD/ADHD in parallel.

Poor you, it is shit, but also poor her.

OP if you can afford it, book an appointment with a private paediatrician and go in with a list of everything you've written above. It could be SEN, it could be a food allergy, it could just be you've got a miserable kid who hates life or you've got a child who needs firm boundaries and routine to cope. But with medical tests, you can eliminate the possibilities and then move forwards.

My eldest was a horror of a toddler, by the time she went to school I was one step away from a padded cell. But as she got older, she completely mellowed. Looking back, I think she got very angry and frustrated when she couldn't articulate what was wrong/was she wanted. And she was very easily overstimulated. Getting her sleep routine off to a fine art was probably the biggest step in managing her needs.

Also how is her sleep - if it’s poor then I would try melatonin (can buy online from US eg Piping Rock). This is controversial advice as it’s prescription only here, but the UK is unusual in this and personally I would have no issues giving it a try. Poor sleep will make any ND issues far worse, more sleep won’t cure but will help.

the poor OP is on her knee, she's exhausted, her own relationship is struggling.

The last thing the child need is MORE "kindness" and destroy her family even more with her tantrum!

yes, because the gentle parenting of the OP who is literally on her knees seems to be working so very well.

The child is a nightmare - by the description, I am just reading it! Screaming when she doesn't get her way. It's not healthy, and it's not helpful.

Look at the check list
Sensory Processing Disorder Checklist https://share.google/fMRYk6Hq82mDlel19

She needs therapy input sensory OT
and you op and her other parent if around need support reach out to hv and gp

Says the ignorant poster!

Dear god I hope you don’t have any contact with SEN children.

That’s got all the hallmarks of neurodivergence.

She’s living in a world where everything is too overstimulating for her.

This was DS1 at that age. If it’s any consolation, shy of maybe the first 3 months, age 3 was the absolute worst year of my life. He was basically horrendously dysregulated for an entire year.

He’s autistic with demand avoidance. He has an exceptionally high IQ. He is also probably ADHD but that’s less clear cut. He’s nearly 6 and still a lot of hard work, but it’s overall easier than when he was 3.

The 1950s called, they'd like you to go back and take your outdated and harmful attitudes with you

Our good relationship with DD1 was destroyed as we had hardly any energy for her and I end up taking things out on her and being too hard on her. We like to play games together and read and do crafts but it's so hard when DD2 is around because she just ruins it every time. I can barely hear what DD1 is saying to me most of the time over the shouting.

Even if you don't care about the OP, no one cares about the DD1? They don't matter?

Who's the disgrace here! Aren't both allowed to live in peace at home, instead of one running riot and making everybody's life a misery?

My DD is 17, she’s bright funny and doing really well at school etc ( head girl, brownie leader) she does have challenges, friendships are hard but she is out tonight at the cinema with lovley friend.

when she was younger I could have written your post word for word..

she has a diagnosis of ASD and PDA.. we have also been low demand ( not no demand as I believe life has demands and you have to learn how to manage these… )

We got an NHS diagnosis around 5 and then a private assessment pretty soon after.

She hated this age…she was just not in control and she hated it.. she screamed and screamed and we had a lot of meltdowns.

As she got older and we understood how to help her feel in control it got easier.

it’s not easy now but it’s so much better and I know she is destined to achieve great things as she is able to use her incredible focus to achieve things and has learnt how to overcome anxiety and do things anyway.

she also knows how to rest and recover, what feeds her soul ( Lego and music) and how to get me to do things that make her feel incontrol!

it’s not perfect but I am so proud of her…

what helped me most was researching PDA, getting a diagnosis and assessment and using the info to help all of us understand her and then fight for the adaptations she needs- at home and school…

I am really happy to answer any questions and am sending you very big hugs as this is such a tough time but it will get easier

it's your lazy "gentle parenting" which is outdated, and unhelpful.

You are not trying to help the OP, you are insulting a poster you don't agree with . Says it all really.

Same experience and exact same diagnosis with my DD. Age 3 was just awful.

although she is now nearly 10 and actually THIS is the worst year of my life. Sorry.

I agree… think about everything you can do to reduce sensory overwhelm and do it! It makes the biggest difference.

Saying a dc with sensory issues needs firm handling is like saying a man with a broken leg should walk more.
Sensory processing disorders actually present as pain.
Clothing hurts, a comb hurts, food is slimy, loud noises really hurt.
You have no idea.

You realise you’re talking about a 3 year old…?

You have mentioned PDA - are you trying the strategies recommended for it, or is it your way or nothing? Or more likely somewhere in between?

If it is PDA you will know your child is basically having panic attacks. When you frame it like this, it is so much easier to come at her from a place of compassion rather than discipline.

I have a daughter with PDA and I know how much these kids will fight you if you try the strict boundaries approach. Please join PDA Facebook groups for starters. Read The Out of Synch Child and also The Explosive Child.

Well done for asking for help.

Do you have personal experience with children with PDA?

PDA is part of an autism diagnosis, it is not a stand alone thing. It does sound like your dd has extreme sensory needs, which does point towards autism.

jesus Christ, I am not saying to put the poor kid in barbed wire!

I am just saying to just be normally firm - the child is not running around naked day and nigh, or sticking her fingers in electric plugs, or putting her life in danger (because her parents, reasonably, don't let her!)

Just apply the same principles for everything reasonable, no more but no less.

No one likes itchy labels, OF COURSE you behave like a normal human being and you don't torture the child, but you keep them safe and don't let them in charge because they like a colour and not the other. Good luck with school uniforms later on!

I agree about the fabric conditioner but be careful of smells… my DD couldn’t stand anything with a smell so have to find a softener with no smell!

also, had soft clothes with no waistband and no hair clips/ hair bands etc….

Food is so important for us, catching her before she is to hungry is still key and making sure we always have food that she will eat…

we don’t all eat together… this is just to much for her and we try to follow whatever is the latest food interest. This is tricky and hard work but so worth it! She will
literally not eat for days if the right food is not available!