WIBU to assume this about invitation?

[MannersAreAll]

Possibly outing, but I'm so angry I don't really care.

Invitations arrived weeks ago for DH's relatives big birthday and it's been discussed for months.

Two arrived for adult age children plus their partners. Then one addressed to "Manners' DH, Manners & the kids"

Living in our house atm with us is our two younger children plus 3 year old relative. Basically an orphan who we have legal responsibility for and who will be with us forever. Has been with us for 18 months. Was part of big family Christmas last year, went to a family wedding on DH's side in the summer - basically has been treated as one of our children as we're their forever home.

Except it turns out is not invited to the birthday party as it's "family only". Only emerged when DH happened to mention us booking two Premier Inn rooms as we can squeeze DN in a travel cot anymore.

How shitty is that? This isn't a small party either. It's about 250 people.

I know people throw words around, but I'm genuinely fuming.

Absolutely horrible behaviour. I would be totally livid. How can anyone been so mean to an orphaned 3 year old. I would be going out of my way to ensure the little one was included under that circumstances.

That’s awful!

What did your DH reply?

If it was me I wouldn't attend the party and none of my family would. I would see this new child as my own child, and I wouldn't have them being excluded like that. It's wrong.

This is your son or daughter now to all intents and purposes. They should be invited with the other children.

DH needs to get someone else to ferry granny around.

That’s so awful OP. In our family either we all go or none of us go. It’s just cruel to exclude a child like that when they are practically your child even though not technically. You’re not unreasonable in the slightest to be hurt about this. Hugs to you.

This is odious.

Your DH can give granny a lift there and back if he has to, but he does not have to attend. That should raise awkward questions which the odious relative can take his time to answer/justify. Truly horrible behaviour.

Good on you for stepping up to adopt!

Cunts - tell DH you’re not going and if he does he can consider it an affront to your marriage.

Yes. I also thought Good for MIL.

I hate these posts where people are fixated on blood only crap.

Often the justification is to leave out a step child because the DH (if its his family) might split up from the mum, so the child can't be at weddings or in family photos, according to his family.

However, they can't even use this excuse in this case, you've said that your little nephew will be with you as part of your family forever ( which is wonderful that he's got you btw) so he is a permanent fixture.

I wouldn't want to go to their rubbish party either.

I don't think I could ever forgive this or forget it whether or not that horrible man backtracks.

This is just disgusting.
Not only is that child your adopted child, I assume the reason you have them has to do with the loss of your aunt or cousin? So presumably you have also been through a tough and upsetting time which they must be aware of!!!!

I think if he can't get someone else to ferry Granny I think he should stand around like the Ghost at the feast and tell EVERYONE there why he is there on his own.

This is awful but did he double down once this was pointed out? Has his wife not told him not to be such an utter arsehole? I don’t understand his attitude at all - to me, this little one is family but in any case how much room can a 3-year old take up?

Glad you (and MIL) have decided not to go. I'd go out for dinner or a day out instead, something really nice for all of you.
I'd find it unforgivable. If DH has to transport Granny, I'd make a point of dropping her off and leaving, then picking her up later. Even if I had to go to the cinema alone or something to pass the time inbetween.

I mean the way they did this was so utterly crass. Saying bring the kids as if they expected you to KNOW that your little nephew wasn't part of the family. They expected you to think like them, so it didn't need explaining. Disgusting. They couldn't even take the trouble to spell out who actually was invited.

I'd go NC with them over this.

Someone to whom I was very close was brought up by a grandparent and step-grandparent - they were "Mum and Dad", but there was no formal adoption.

The step-grandparent's parents were his "Granny" and "Grandfather". When "GF" died, the only person who kept the family smallholding going - was the adoptee. He did his own work first and then did all the work needed at the smallholding.

Granny died and the adoptive Mum's sibling arrived from the city to empty the house. It was announced that all the grandchildren would be allowed to pick a "minding" from the house. This was done while the adoptee was at work.

When his Mum asked about the adoptee, she was told "There are no bastards in our family."

The adoptee never forgot and never forgave.

YANBU.

If’s really heartening to see that your adult children, you husband and also your MiL have taken a stand here. Especially the MiL; this will be her family member too, and she is standing up for you and your, for all intents and purposes, adopted child. Well done all of you!

Whoever this relative is. He is disgusting. Does he not believe adopted (in all but the name) kids don’t count as family? Odious man. I hope you’ve told him exactly what you think of him.

Why have they?

It reads to me as they'd invite a random 3yr old, let alone a 3yr old who is now actually part of the family.

That is horrible - you all need to pull out of the party and explain why, none of you go.

Which is why I said I think I understand what they’re trying to say but it could also be read as though they are saying the 3 year old orphan OP has taken in is a random child she’s babysitting

So it’s only family? 250 family members?

“So sorry - we must decline your kind invitation . As you know we now have DN living with us permanently. If he isn’t invited, then I’m afraid we’ll have to decline as we don’t have childcare for him. We can’t ask his parents because they’re dead. We do send apologies for any inconvenience this might cause you.”

Wanker…..

I would also have assumed ‘the kids’ meant any and all children living with you. We fostered a baby for several months this year and she was invited to two weddings even though the hosts knew she wasn’t staying with us forever. For his family to purposefully exclude a child who is now a permanent member of your immediate family is cruel and hurtful. But good for your MIL for being on your side and being angry that her family is excluding a child - at least that baby has a nice Grandma who loves them like you do.

Came to say this