WIBU to assume this about invitation?

[MannersAreAll]

Possibly outing, but I'm so angry I don't really care.

Invitations arrived weeks ago for DH's relatives big birthday and it's been discussed for months.

Two arrived for adult age children plus their partners. Then one addressed to "Manners' DH, Manners & the kids"

Living in our house atm with us is our two younger children plus 3 year old relative. Basically an orphan who we have legal responsibility for and who will be with us forever. Has been with us for 18 months. Was part of big family Christmas last year, went to a family wedding on DH's side in the summer - basically has been treated as one of our children as we're their forever home.

Except it turns out is not invited to the birthday party as it's "family only". Only emerged when DH happened to mention us booking two Premier Inn rooms as we can squeeze DN in a travel cot anymore.

How shitty is that? This isn't a small party either. It's about 250 people.

I know people throw words around, but I'm genuinely fuming.

What a shit your IL is, a three year old loses both parents and they can't see their way clear to inviting them to a party. As least your MIL is a decent person, I hope she gives this relative a tongue lashing they won't forget

Your DH should have told the other H that your 3 yr old is very much part of the family and he’s very offended by this

I would have assumed “..And the kids” meant all the kids, including your extra one.

That is disgraceful @MannersAreAlland I’m glad to hear you will all boycott it. This person doesn’t deserve to have any of you there to celebrate with them.

Why are you being vague about “DHs relative”? It’s awful whoever it is but more awful if it’s dhs parent or gp than if it’s a second cousin twice removed.

How vile of him @MannersAreAll

Your husband should not go either to really drive the point home, i.e. all or none.

Your BiL can collect granny 🙂

At least the most important people around you are supporting you .Send a nice message of stick your party right up your arse.

That's awful of them. To me any child that is living with you, be that biological, adopted, foster, SGO, step-child... would be treated as family. It'd never occur to me to exclude the 3 year old, or that they would be excluded. I'm so sorry you/your husband have a shitty family member.

YANBU. How did this conversation come about though? Surely he didn't go out of his way to say "just checking you realise DO is not invited?"
If he didn't, how did it come up in conversation, given your natural assumption that "kids" meant all kids.
Edit for spelling

Not sure how I’d be able to forgive this one, they have essentially tried make a small child who essentially has only you after losing their parent(s) an outcast from a family event.
How mean spirited can people be…. They obviously as you said. forgot about the eldest one not being biologically related when doing the invites.
Im so sorry you’re in this situation, it says everything about them and nothing about you and if they backtrack now, I would be telling them where they can stick their party!

Poor little soul orphaned at 18 months old and has been given a loving new home with you and your husband. Only now, the poor child, is being pushed out for not being 'family'. Absolutely dreadful behaviour, and your husband's relative should be utterly ashamed of themselves. I don't blame you for not attending, and that your children aren't either. Good on your MIL for supporting you. People amaze me and disgust me in equal measures.

The 3yr old is now your family. What a shitty, nasty thing to do and none of us would be going. I’d let my adult kids decide but the ones young enough for me to choose wouldn’t attend. Make sure DH lets them know why because you now have 5 children and 1 has been excluded and you won’t leave 1 alone with a babysitter and take the others as it would be cruel and unkind, and have him handle it. Definitely let him do it as it’s his family and you are at risk of being badmouthed. Not that you should care! I bet this is a nasty old crow of a woman as I’ve never met any other type be so spiteful over ‘family over.’ By that token you’re also not family as you’re not blood related 😆

Actual monsters

No he didn't go out of his way to say it as such. It came up when he mentioned that someone has managed to book a different Premier Inn to everyone else. DH then said about us needing two rooms now because of having the three kids and not getting away with the travel cot anymore and that's when it was said that only the two kids were invited as it was a family only invitation.

I bet this is a nasty old crow of a woman as I’ve never met any other type be so spiteful over ‘family over.’

It's a man.

I would have also assumed that an invitation worded as “…and the kids” included all the children living with the people named on the invite.

I can’t imagine in what world anyone would want to exclude an orphaned 3 year old, other than if it was something like “no under 12s”, but then you’d expect that to be made clear (and I know OP has said that isn’t the case here anyway).

I wouldn’t be having anything to do with those family members again.

That's so bloody nasty, wtf is wrong with some people?

You were not being unreasonable and they have been hurtful. They may not realize how poorly this reflects on them. If it were me, I wouldn't go and absolutely let them know why. I hope the rest of my immediate family would decline as well.

Wow, I definitely wouldn't go. The poor child may pick up on this so knowing you and your DH have stood up for them by not going will speak volumes about how much you care for them, and will also speak volumes to the organizers of the party about who has the moral high ground here!

What horrible people would exclude a 3 year old?

YANBU at all. I wouldn’t go.

YANBU. This poor little one has already lost so much and they want to exclude her from a family party? Fuck that shit. I wouldn't be going and I think your DH should back you up.

If the child is a relation, they are family. Bring them too, or just don't go. It would be so mean to leave the child at home, and they are terrible to even suggest it.

I know it's not the point of your post (and id be furious too! What an arsehole!!) But I love that your MIL is livid on your behalf.

Not exactly the point but what a lovely thing you are doing.

Anyone who would not count that DC as family is an absolute twat.

Have you said what relation they are to DH and I have missed it?

edited to agree with PP- so nice to see a MIL mentioned on here in a good way

That’s just cruel. What kind of horrible fucker thinks like that about an ORPHANED CHILD