Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to assume this about invitation?

353 replies

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 16:28

Possibly outing, but I'm so angry I don't really care.

Invitations arrived weeks ago for DH's relatives big birthday and it's been discussed for months.

Two arrived for adult age children plus their partners. Then one addressed to "Manners' DH, Manners & the kids"

Living in our house atm with us is our two younger children plus 3 year old relative. Basically an orphan who we have legal responsibility for and who will be with us forever. Has been with us for 18 months. Was part of big family Christmas last year, went to a family wedding on DH's side in the summer - basically has been treated as one of our children as we're their forever home.

Except it turns out is not invited to the birthday party as it's "family only". Only emerged when DH happened to mention us booking two Premier Inn rooms as we can squeeze DN in a travel cot anymore.

How shitty is that? This isn't a small party either. It's about 250 people.

I know people throw words around, but I'm genuinely fuming.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 01/11/2025 20:59

Not unreasonable to assume and disgusting they aren’t invited. I wouldn’t be attending.

BoxesBoxesEverywhere · 01/11/2025 21:00

Not inviting because of age/not wanting young kids there, fine.
Not inviting because of costs and numbers - OK.
Not inviting because "not family?" 😥💔 YADNBU
Awful.

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 01/11/2025 21:02

This has made me so sad. Your poor niece/daughter. You’re doing an amazing thing btw - it sounds likes it’s been traumatic and you’re providing a supportive family for her.

Delphinium20 · 01/11/2025 21:21

If this party includes 'and the kids' I still feel there must be a massive miscommunication between DH and his male relative.

If there are other children going to be there, then why not an adopted daughter of DH? It's utterly bizarre!

I would absolutely call up the male relative and simply as, "Is it true I can bring 6 year old but can't bring our 3-year-old daughter? If yes, why?" And just stay silent and wait for a response.

EdithBond · 01/11/2025 21:43

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 18:56

I bet this is a nasty old crow of a woman as I’ve never met any other type be so spiteful over ‘family over.’

It's a man.

Not a very considerate one, by the looks of it. How unkind when the child’s effectively been adopted by you and your DH.

Bad enough to not include them in the first place, but that could be forgetfulness/thoughtlessness. But to then specifically point out (when reminded it’s been assumed all three kids are invited) that the orphaned child isn’t welcome, is really unkind. Unless numbers are very limited or it’s not suitable for young children, neither of which appear to be the case.

MagpiesAreBastards · 01/11/2025 22:02

Please say your older children are not going either now? I would struggle to forgive that.

Genevieva · 01/11/2025 22:10

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 17:15

It's not a mistake. It was said to DH, he clarified it again at the time and has done so again since.

It's not because of their age. Our 6yo is invited, several other children 3 and under are invited. It's purely because they're not family. They are my relative, rather than DH's,

The irony is that one of the older children is mine pre-DH and when DH said "oh so presumably Xxx isn't invited either then on those grounds?" there was a lot of spluttering and a "maybe I've not thought this through, let me speak to the wife" backtracking.

I'm not going. Kids aren't going (adult or younger). MIL isn't going - she is absolutely livid. DH may go as he was ferrying his Granny to and from the party and her care home and he won't let her down, but if someone else takes that on he's not going either.

I'm absolutely gutted. DH's family have always been wonderful - I have virtually no family as I was brought up by GPs. Had one aunt, one cousin and they're both gone - and I've always felt part of the family. Not now with these ones though.

I'm so annoyed that they think we're being U by assuming. To me it's an entirely natural assumption to make given the way the invitation was worded.

It sounds like all of them except the host are wonderful. Well done your MiL for being principled. Hopefully he was bring obtuse and will apologise profusely and extend the invitation. If he does, I think you should forgive him and you should all go.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 01/11/2025 22:17

I would refuse to be associated with that person from now on. For good. Your precious 3 year old def isn't missing out having such a cunt around them. And neither are you /dh /your other dc.

Owly11 · 01/11/2025 22:19

'The kids' means.....'the kids'!!!! Not one of them or two of them. What on earth is their reasoning for the exclusion? A 3 year old kid is not exactly going to take up much space or eat much food!!! There must be more to this. Do they know that this child is now living with you and that you are adopting them formally?

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 01/11/2025 22:21

To invite everyone in your household to a massive 250 person event but exclude the three year old orphan who you now look after like your own child is absolutely terrible. I’m totally with you on this. He should feel ashamed for excluding a tiny child like this for not being family. In a gathering that large, he’s surely got at least 100 people there who aren’t family!

LadyDanburysHat · 01/11/2025 22:27

YANBU and good on not only your DH but also your MIL having your back. I assume this is MILs sibling. It's quite a disgusting awful attitude from this man, and tells you everything you need to know about his attitude.

likeafishneedsabike · 01/11/2025 22:30

I hope these vile people get food poisoning at their party. You won’t, as you will be at home with your adopted three year old child.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 01/11/2025 22:42

That is utterly, utterly shit.

It's a real kick in the teeth for your poor DN who has already gone through so much.

And a massive fuck you to you and DH for being so selfless and taking on your DN as your own.

Is DN a different ethnicity, or disabled or have a physical impairment? Could it be racism / ableism at play?

Who is this scummy relative anyway? I hope not a brother.

littlefireseverywhere · 01/11/2025 22:43

He sounds like a real charmer. I would totally miss the party. How on earth could he not think that your three-year-old could not come.he's utterly insane.

Sooose · 01/11/2025 22:43

I may be being pedantic here, but the 3 yo child is a relative, so that's family isn't it? How do you know they are not included? Was that made explicit? I'm trying to figure out how you would make that explicit without being incredibly rude.

On the face of it, this would seem really harsh and insensitive to leave the child out. Is there something else going on here?

Alittlefrustrated · 01/11/2025 22:49

MannersAreAll · 01/11/2025 18:56

No he didn't go out of his way to say it as such. It came up when he mentioned that someone has managed to book a different Premier Inn to everyone else. DH then said about us needing two rooms now because of having the three kids and not getting away with the travel cot anymore and that's when it was said that only the two kids were invited as it was a family only invitation.

Show quote history

That's awful. What a b***d.

LaserPumpkin · 01/11/2025 22:51

Sooose · 01/11/2025 22:43

I may be being pedantic here, but the 3 yo child is a relative, so that's family isn't it? How do you know they are not included? Was that made explicit? I'm trying to figure out how you would make that explicit without being incredibly rude.

On the face of it, this would seem really harsh and insensitive to leave the child out. Is there something else going on here?

Might be a good idea to read all OP’s posts. The child has been explicitly excluded.

Ponoka7 · 01/11/2025 22:54

If your DH still does have to drive his GM, he needs to be as petty as fuck and take a book and wait in the car.

With MIL onboard and you pointing out that DD isn't biologically related, he's going to reissue the invitation. I wouldn't want anything to do with them.

Sooose · 01/11/2025 22:55

LaserPumpkin · 01/11/2025 22:51

Might be a good idea to read all OP’s posts. The child has been explicitly excluded.

Show quote history

Yeah, re-reading it now I get that detail. Thanks.

So yes, that's incredibly hurtful.

calanaiscailleach · 01/11/2025 22:57

Very shitty indeed Angry

LaurieFairyCake · 01/11/2025 23:06

I would assume it’s YOU who’s not invited OP. You’re the one who’s ’not family’ ie. Not blood relative

and that by saying it’s the 3 year old they know you would have to stay home with them

londongirl12 · 01/11/2025 23:15

How big is his family to have 250 of them??

londongirl12 · 01/11/2025 23:26

On the positive side, you appear to have a really supportive MIL!! That doesn’t happen often on MN 😂

CantBreathe90 · 01/11/2025 23:27

Good for you, for standing up for your newest family member.

The party organisers are gross and should be ashamed - I actually hope they do see this thread. "Family only" indeed! How much space / food can one more little toddler take up, in a crowd of 250?!

NickyKat · 01/11/2025 23:28

The child is part of your family - blood or not. The rest of the family need to accept that.

Either they get all of you or none you.

If they said no children under a certain age for all families then that's different. But if they're singling out your household then they can do one.